Don't be weary in doing well

It is true that pursuing God takes energy and focus, which can be emotionally and physically draining over time. 

However, any endeavor worth pursuing can be emotionally and physically depleting as well. 

The key to being sustained in our pursuit of God is more internal (emotional/motivational i.e. in our spirit, if you will) than physical i.e. having the desire to press on, not just the physical stamina. In fact, great desire will push us to exceed what we may think is our physical limitations; the greater that desire the more we exceed those limitations. 

Being weary in doing well and using a lack of motivation as a reason to back off our pursuit of God, is merely an excuse. Not unlike choosing to not do that last set of reps during a workout. "No pain, no gain" applies to the spiritual, not just the physical. We are encouraged to not be weary in well doing for a good reason. 

Perseverance is in fact what exercises and strengthens our faith by constant and increased use. Though we may need to stop and rest on occasion (just as in a work out), it is good to remind ourselves we are also strengthening our faith each time we push ourselves to press on a little harder. 

Faith and hope sustain us

Even though pursuing God can be physically and emotionally draining it is also spiritually (not to mention eternally) rewarding and uplifting. 

Though our outer, physical man is buffeted and encounters numerous "thorns and thistles" in this fallen and broken world and our physical being fades away over time, our inward, spiritual man is renewed moment by moment, day by day each time it is exercised.  

It is important to remind ourselves that our minor momentary struggle is preparing for us a reward far greater in comparison. Not necessarily an immediate reward, but one that never fades and will last forever and ever. 

This is the essence of our hope. And it is this hope we are told to look to, to sustain us. 

2Co 4:16  "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. 17  For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory (i.e. of immense value) beyond all comparison, 18  as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen (i.e. as we operate in faith and anticipation (hope) of reward). For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

Being a victim or playing one

Being a victim and "playing the victim" is not the same. Being a victim is rooted in the reality of being harmed i.e. you or someone else was really and truly hurt and suffered a loss of some kind - physically, emotionally, materially, reputation wise etc. - at the hands of another i.e. an offender. 

"Playing the victim" however is rooted in self-pity and seeking to garner the pity of others by using the harm-pain the victim has experienced to gain sympathy and even attempt to use it manipulate others. Someone may have been genuinely hurt, but "playing the victim" uses "victimhood" often to ¹exact revenge or seek a benefit (or both) from others in order to self-comfort or self-protect.

Being harmed is real as well as wrong and should be fully acknowledged and recognized for what it is. This is ²necessary to help the victim be freed from the offense, - i.e. to be able to forgive the offender - learn what they can through it - about God's forgiveness or self-forgiveness etc. - and move on with their life. 

Seeking self-pity by playing the victim is simply an attempt to self-love instead of depending on and looking to the God of love who ultimately uses all things - including offenses - for the good of those who love him.

Possibly the most important thing to know about unforgiveness (i.e. refusal or trouble in letting go of offenses) is it may be an indication you do not know your own great offenses against God (and others) and the forgiveness offered to you. 

For more on God's solution to offenses click here.

For a discussion on racism and forgiveness click here.

For a discussion on values, culture and racism click here.

For a personal story of being a victim of discrimination click here.

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¹I would suggest a great deal -- though certainly not all that drives the victim agenda in various forms -- sometimes referred to as "social justice" - e.g. "me too" "black lives matter" "men or whites are evil" feminism, racism, etc - is this very desire to hurt others because we have been hurt. To say it succinctly, playing the victim is usually rooted in revenge due to bitterness over past offenses. 

Though there are real issues (offenses) we must look at in all attempts at justice, we can not see offenses clearly until the underlying emotional hurt is addressed first i.e. forgiven. 

Anger/revenge rarely produces objective or clear thinking, no matter what position one takes on different issues. There is unrighteous anger on all sides of the political spectrum.

Any agenda driven by retaliation or retribution is not driven by love. No matter how offended we have been we are still called to love others... even our enemies. Christ modeled this himself best while hanging on the cross when he said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" to those who put Him there. 

One remains in pain if a wound goes unaddressed/unhealed. This is why emotions are just under the surface for those in pain and easily triggered and so passionately vented when a new offense occurs - even if no offense actually occurred or was intended. When there is a real offense, often the response is out of proportion to the offense for those with a victim disposition and mentality. This is our first clue there is unresolved anger/bitterness from past offenses. A response-reaction that comes out of pain is never a rational one but almost always excessive and emotional e.g. filled with anger, hate, etc. 

People are often not able to explain why they are so easily triggered out of proportion to the offense because of it's deep roots (that fester up to the surface and are often ready to erupt at the slightest provocation). 

What is the solution? 

Forgiveness that springs forth from our being forgiven by God. This is so basic it is a major part of the Lord's prayer.

11 Give us this day our daily bread, 12 and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Matthew 6:11-13 (ESV)

²in order to truly and fully forgive and completely be freed we must know the full extent of the harm. To say it another way, if we forgive a small offense when a large one actually occurred, we are not getting to the bottom of the issue and therefore can not be fully freed from it. Forgiveness must be equal to the offense. 

Of course even more fundamental is recognizing the extent of our own offense against God himself and the length to which he went to remedy it... and did,  in and through Christ.  Without a clear understanding of our own offense to God and the full extent of his forgiveness of us, we can never truly and fully forgive others.

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Question...How do you feel about the picture to the right? Some may find it highly offensive. If you do, this actually serves to underscore my point. You may wish to dig inside a little to understand why. If you find yourself "triggered," angry or even feeling rage by this card, it may be a good indication you have unresolved bitterness over past offenses. 

You may be bothered by the picture for another reason. 

It is right to have compassion for those who have been harmed or broken in some way. Christ certainly did. Some may feel this picture mocks this and are bothered for this reason. And that is good. Not that you are offended, but that you care. A significant part of Christ's ministry was to heal those who were damaged - more so from physical than emotional pain, though these are often connected and not entirely separate. The pain people feel is real and deserves being acknowledged for what it is i.e. the fruit of living among broken people, in a broken world, and the harm that comes to us as a result. 

The pain of others should matter to us because it mattered to Christ. It matters to him because he also wrongfully suffered at the hands of others far more than any of us. 

When our pain produces humility we are on the road to healing. If it produces anger, anxiety, depression, etc we may have some work to do yet. 

I personally think the above card is a clever and appropriate analogy of how some use past offenses to "cash in" on their suffering. So would call this "playing the victim card." 

This would be more true of the "leaders" of the "victim movement" themselves, than the actual victims.

The spiritual and our spirit.

The spiritual is that which addresses our spirit which is the essence of our being i.e. our identity, our sense of value, our glory, our capacity to love and be loved and partake of and participate in God who is love, value, and glory.

We are also told God is Spirit. This is not arbitrary but essential to who God is and to understand not only God but ourselves. What makes God a person is not his physicality (he not physical but is Spirit). Therefore, as his image bearer, it is not the essence of our being a person ¹either as image bearers. Since God is not physical, this can not be the essence of who we are i.e. how we are like God. To say it another way, we don't say we have a nose like God (He doesn't have one) but we can say we give and receive love and have value like God - though only in quality, not quantity.  

We are the way we are because God is the way he is. We are like God. To say it another way, if we wish to understand who we are as spiritual beings, we must understand who God is as Spirit. 

The love of God is manifested as the Spirit of God. We are told God is love, and he is Spirit. The Spirit of God is the Spirit of love. The essence of God is love. When the bible says God is Spirit, it is saying God is love, and when it says God is love it is also saying God is Spirit. 

American theologian Jonathan Edwards says while ²the Word (Christ, the eternal Logos/Word) is the perfect self-understanding/ knowledge of God i.e. the light (truth) of God, the Spirit is the perfect love of God for himself as revealed in his Son. To say it another way, the Spirit is the "heat' or passion/love of God for Christ who is His perfect "self-image" if you will. Christ is the perfect expression of the truth/word/understanding
of God and the Spirit is the perfect expression of the love/emotion/ passion of God for himself as manifested in the Son. 

When the bible says God is love, it is also saying God is glorious. His being Spirit and glorious are primary ways of describing God as a being of love i.e. what makes God all glorious is because he is infinite love within himself as Father, Son, and Spirit, which overflows out to others like him i.e. us who are His image-bearers. 

The union/communion/ relationship that exists between the Father and Son is one of love manifested in, by, and through the Spirit. 

In order to partake in this exchange of love within the triune being that is God, we had to be like God i.e. have a spirit or be spiritual. This means we had to have the capacity to receive the outpouring overflow of love between the Father and Son in and by the Spirit and reflect it back to Him and out to others (other image-bearers of God).

This dynamic of who God is and who we are is encapsulated in the 1st and 2nd commandment to love God with all we are and have and our neighbor as ourselves.

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¹Though we are physical and our physicality is still good and not bad, it is not the essence of our being. The body can be dead, but we live on. 

And the value of the body is confirmed because we, as His children, will be given new bodies once our "earthly" body dies. So our body is important and will continue to be throughout eternity. We will exist through eternity as physical being but in a glorified state as Christ himself now does. 

Nevertheless, our body is the vessel that contains or holds the essence of who we are as God's image-bearers and will be glorified when we are with Christ face to face. 

Having a ³body is good and so significant Christ took on a body and is in that body to this very day and will be throughout eternity. Granted it is a glorified body and so will ours be as well.

²For a further discussion of these distinctions within the Trinity click here. 

For a discussion of how we are empowered by the Spirit click here.

³Christ existing throughout eternity in physical form says something of the goodness of creation as well as the value God places in it. 

It also demonstrates the humility of Christ and the willingness to be local and not everywhere present. 

But possibly most of all, the greatness of the love of Christ in being willing to thoroughly identify with us in this most complete way.  

Matters of the mind or heart?

Matters of the heart and matters of faith go hand-in-hand. If one is present, the other will also be.

 

When we take part in and engage God by faith, this is primarily an activity of our heart; of what we believe and trust to be true. 

This is in contrast to matters of the mind or understanding. We can clearly grasp something logically with our minds and even fully agree with it but not necessarily believe in it i.e. with our hearts. To simply comprehend something does not mean we wholly and fully believe it, or "buy into it" as they say. When you do, that means you "put your money where your mouth is," or have "skin in the game" i.e. your beliefs require or cost you something because they result in action i.e. an investment of resources/time/energy.

The evidence that we fully believe something versus merely grasping it in our minds is action/obedience. When we truly believe something, we act on it. If we merely grasp or comprehend something -- even if we fully agree it is according to truth -- but do not take action, we do not truly believe it.

When presented with the truth, we can positively respond in two ways. We can agree it is true, and we can believe it is true. When we agree, we are giving mental assent to something's truthfulness. When we believe it, we are acting on it and staking our resources/time/energy on its validity.

We cannot have the latter (faith) without the former (knowledge) but we can have the former without the latter. 

Good or bad guilt?

Are there different kinds of guilt? Can there be good and bad guilt? 

Most of us experience guilt feelings whenever we hurt or damage someone (intentionally or not) in some way and even more so if we are called out on it by others or even ourselves.

But how should we respond when this happens? 

I would suggest guilt is guilt - i.e. guilt is real, not simply a feeling and we are either guilty (objectively) or we are ¹not. The real question is how do we process and respond to guilt feelings? 

It's not that there is good or bad guilt per se but rather a constructive (good) or a destructive (bad) response to it.

Destructive response

We beat ourselves up (shame ourselves) over it, which ironically is an attempt to minimize (downplay) the hurt we caused someone else in order to relieve our shame (our hurt) - i.e. this is a focus on us and not the injured party, where it should be. It is self-centered not other-focused. As a result, we attempt to defend our actions. 

Constructive response

When we immediately recognize and acknowledge the hurt we caused, ask forgiveness, and seek to restore the injured party whenever and wherever possible, as quickly as possible. This is the healthy and appropriate response.

"Now I am happy, not because you were made sad, but because your sorrow made you decide to change (constructive). That is what God wanted, so you were not hurt by us in any way.

The kind of sorrow God wants makes people decide to change their lives. This leads them to ²salvation (constructive), and we cannot be sorry for that. But the kind of sorrow the world has will bring death (destructive)." 2Co 7:9-10

How do we "do" good guilt and not bad? 

It's a matter of the heart. When we are secure in God's love and know all our guilt before God -- and the ultimate legal consequences of our hurtful behavior from God -- is already fully taken care of (satisfied, removed) we are free to more clearly see and admit the hurt we cause others and no longer seek or attempt to ease our sense of failure. 

This is not something we try to do it is something that simply happens when we fully recognize and know who we are in Christ i.e. fully loved, forgiven, and accepted vs shamed.

For a child of God, the question isn't if we are ever guilty of hurting others. We are all guilty of offenses and all of us are also offended. The only question is how we address that guilt; in a constructive or destructive way. Because of Christ, it can always be constructive if we receive and believe his offer. The more we do the more we are able to.

For more on God's remedy for offenses click here.
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¹some are surprised to know that guilt feelings do not necessarily involve actual guilt.

For more discussion on guilt, the following may be of interest...

Driven by guilt and shame

Feeling shame versus true guilt

²Paul is talking of salvation in the sense that good guilt leads to our turning away -- it delivers (saves) us -- from destructive behavior. It is constructive, practical deliverance from destructive behavior, not legal justification. This is not about being saved by works, it is about works that come forth because we are already freed of the just condemnation for harmful behavior.

Co-dependence

We hear a lot about co-dependence these days. But what exactly is it, what causes it and how does it work? 

A co-dependent relationship is a mutually accepted arrangement between two people to take or get from the other what they need i.e. a relationship where each party agrees to use the other to meet their needs (not necessarily ¹consciously or verbally, but often - if not always - an unspoken understanding/agreement). 

When there is "giving" it is not truly to give but is giving in order to ultimately get. It is based solely on getting by both party's not based on giving. It is a relationship based on mutual taking. 

Co-dependent relationships can and often do work for an extended time as long as circumstances are good, i.e. good money, good sex, mutual goals, pleasant circumstances, etc. When circumstances become hard, the underlying weakness of this type of relationship is brought to the surface and exposed.

Co-dependent relationships also become unglued and unravel when one party becomes healthy and the other doesn't. For these relationships to continue working well, each must remain unhealthy (i.e. co-dependent) and circumstances remain easy/comfortable.

Health vs co-dependence

Healthy relationships may look very similar on the outside to co-dependent ones but operate totally different "under the hood" (on the inside). The motive that drives and holds a healthy relationship together is completely different from an unhealthy one.

A healthy relationship is based on giving not getting. Because of this, it is virtually impossible to distinguish between a co-dependent relationship and a healthy relationship on the outside - though there are often red flags that give us a clue when a relationship is more co-dependent. Only as we become spiritually and emotionally whole/healthy are we able to more clearly see the difference (not necessarily or always with others, but more with ourselves).

All relationships may have some co-dependent elements mixed in. It depends on the individuals within the relationship. The healthier the individuals, the healthier and less co-dependent the relationship. Most relations are a mixture because few of us are completely whole/healthy spiritually and emotionally.

How do we become healthy? By looking to our Creator as we were designed to and deriving our sense of worth, value, and love from Him as our ²primary source. 

The greatest emotional health can only come through knowing we are perfectly and infinitely loved. And that can only occur by and through the Infinite Source of love - i.e. God - and ³not until then. 

The more we draw our sense of love and value from God in all his infinite love, the more whole/healthy we become.

For a further discussion of the necessity of trust in a healthy relationship, click here.

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Footnotes:

¹When Adam and Eve rebelled from their dependence on God, they cut themselves off from the only source of true life and love. As warned by God, the consequence of this was death. The essence of death was not only physical but no aspect of their existence was whole/connected/unified any longer. Not only was their relationship and connection with God severed, but unity with each other, the rest of creation and self as well. We experience this same disconnect to this day.  

One result of our disconnect with self is we no longer have a clear awareness of our heart and true motive for acting. We not only hide our true condition from God, but from ourselves as well as from each other.

The essence of death is separation from God, the source of life and love we were designed to operate in and by. This resulting in fragmentation of all other aspects of our existence. 

Without God, nothing works as originally designed. Everything is broken. In short, we are spiritually dead and therefore emotionally empty/ bankrupt; so much so that we are often in denial of this in our present condition.

We are so full of pain from the guilt and shame of our rebellion and subsequent failure to be who we were designed to be - i.e. recipients and conduits of God's love designed to love God with all we have and are and our neighbor as ourself - we are unable to acknowledge the depth of our brokenness; doing so is simply too painful and overwhelming. Only the love of God - His perfect acceptance and embrace of us as we are - can free us to take an honest look at our broken condition. 

When we come to trust Christ did everything necessary to remove our guilt before God and restore us back to the relation of infinite love we were originally designed for, only then are we able (feel safe enough) to acknowledge the extent of our brokenness to him and ourselves. We can only fully acknowledge our true condition in and through Christ.

For a further discussion on pain, click here.

For a further discussion on what it means to be broken click here. 

For a further discussion on the solution to guilt and shame click here.

For more posts discussing guilt and shame click here.

²God shows His love through others but that love will only be received as it should be when we recognize those who love well only do so because they have learned to receive God's love well. It is God Himself that they are indirectly experiencing through others. 

³Since the '60s when "free love" was heavily promoted and took a foothold in American culture, the cohesion of the family unit has deteriorated significantly in America.

Before then more kids grew up in a relatively stable and supportive family environment resulting in them feeling safer, more loved, nurtured, valued etc. (not necessarily because today's parents are unloving but because they were together and more unified in their commitment to the child and each other) which also gave the child a stronger sense of worth. This resulted in healthier individuals and less co-dependent relationships. 

The ultimate result of the breakdown of the family unit is that co-dependence is on the rise. The fruit of this is the rise of narcissistic self worship e.g. the age of the selfie and a major focus on loving ourselves.

The irony (silver lining to this cloud of dysfunction) is it is when we are weakest, at our worst, we are most likely to look to and appreciate God for help most. 

Driven by shame

Those who try to shame others into behaving the way they desire (i.e. to control them with shame) are themselves usually influenced or driven by shame (i.e. guilt feelings). We do who we are.

Why do most of us operate out of shame? 

The further away from God's ¹design we operate, the greater our guilt (real guilt vs guilt feelings). The greater our guilt feelings - i.e. sense of shame - the more it drives us and becomes our modus operandi -- the way we operate i.e. our actions are driven by guilt and shame instead of love as we were designed to operate.

Instead of seeking God to help us change the behavior that results in our shame, we often seek to get others to approve our behavior to find relief. We may not like the consequences of conduct that violates our design, but we like having no restrictions on our choices even less.

Because we are designed to ²give and receive love but cannot do so -- unless "plugged in" to the Source of love -- we never operate as we were designed, but are always operating with guilt and shame -- though we typically are not fully conscious of it unless some event triggers and surfaces it.

The more we operate out of shame the lower our sense of value/worth i.e. The more worthless we feel. This process often leads to depression and can ultimately lead to suicide if not addressed.

This is why we are constantly trying to do things to make us feel better about ourselves; to feel more important/ significant. We are in a constant state of pain and shame and always looking to relieve it.

As a result, we try to avoid things that make us feel worthless and cause shame -- like admitting we failed to accomplish a desired goal or are wrong when we mistreat others.

The only way to break free from this cycle of bondage, guilt, and shame is the grace of God -- the good news/gospel -- found in Jesus Christ alone.

For a further discussion of why we avoid the cause of guilt and shame click here.

For a further discussion of the cause and removal of guilt and shame click here.

For a discussion on the futility of engaging in guilt and shame click here and here.

For a discussion on our being designed for greatness/glory click here and here. 

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¹we are like God, designed for love. God is love, giving and receiving it back again. We need love (God); to receive it (Him) and reflect it to others and back to Him. We are most complete when we operate in this way - as we are designed to.

² "Positively" by outdoing/outperforming others. 

Negatively, by criticizing others to feel better about ourselves.

As God's rebellious image bearers, we run on empty (due to our rebellion) because we are disconnected from the Source of love. As a result, we attempt to get and take love instead of give and receive it as we were designed. At some level, we know this. For a further discussion on this point click here. 

I am putting "positively" in quotes because even though outdoing/outperforming others is considered constructive behavior, it is still behavior in an attempt to bolster our own sense of worth outside of God. This kind of behavior may be positive in the eyes of others but is contrary to who God designed us to be.