Loving ourselves… part II

More and more we hear talk about loving ourselves.

Why? My observation of myself and of others, is this comes from a deep, often unconscious, sense of feeling unloved, often connected to our ¹family of origin.  

When you grow up knowing - and believing - you are truly and deeply loved - ultimately by God but also well conveyed to those who were blessed enough to have godly loving parents - you rarely think about being loved any more than you think about eating right after a very large, satisfying meal. The more loved (valued) you feel, the less likely you will be allured by the offer of love from temporary, unhealthy, or destructive sources. To use an analogy, healthy, godly love inoculates us from catching the bug of unhealthy, fleeting love. When we know we are infinitely loved, we become givers instead of takers, comforters of others instead of those who seek comfort. 

We all have a deep sense of feeling unloved simply because we are disconnected and separated from our Creator - the source of love and ²life Himself. However, this sense will be more or less exaggerated and felt depending on how much true sacrificial love we did or did not receive from our parents.

People usually resort to self-love because they have been deeply hurt and ³disappointed by others. And in truth, not even the most loving parents or any other person can give us the love we were designed for. Only God can. As a result, we are more inclined to no longer trust others to come through for us. We believe we can only trust ourselves, so this is where we go for love. As meager as self-love may be, it is better than nothing, plus we have some control over it. At least we feel we do.

Our ability to trust - or lack of it - starts with our parents. We are already naturally inclined to distrust. It was the disposition of our original parents (Adam and Eve) and continues to be ours. But our earthly parents help lay the foundation on which trust is either nurtured or damaged more. 

Because of the breakdown of the family unit at large and the huge significance of the support (or lack) it offers, there is an increasing number of children that grow up experiencing a greater sense of missing love, resulting in increased efforts to self-love. The greater the breakdown, the greater the effort. Hence the rise of Narcissism, the appeal of self-love, and the age of the "selfie."

The challenge, however, is when all is said and done, we are designed for infinite love. A finite being - you and I (including our parents) - can never give us infinite love i.e. an infinite need can never be met by a finite solution. Only infinite love will do.

Though our parents are our first and most significant relationship through which our self-concept is shaped, ultimately no parent can give us what we were designed for; infinite, uninterrupted love. 

Since perfect love (God's) is available to all of us, to not accept it is on us individually, not our parents. We may be damaged because of inadequate parental love but this is only an opportunity to experience and appreciate God's love all the more - if we can learn to trust it.  

Loved well...or not

When a child is loved well (consistently) by parents who also know they are loved well - due to a strong sense of love of feeling loved by the Creator - and the parents clearly convey to their child the reason they love well is because of God, the child will easily transfer their sense of love and trust from their parents to God when they eventually move out on their own and no longer under the direct care of their parents.

God never fails even if others do

The beauty of God's love is even if and when someone does not receive healthy love and support from their family of origin, God also uses this to show the greatness of his love by contrast.

Psa 27:10  Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child]. Amplified version.
______________________________

¹However, the root cause is we are all alienated from our Creator, the source of love and life. If we are designed to be in a loving relationship with our Creator and are absent that relationship, we will always have a sense of feeling unloved no matter how loving our parents or others are. 

²though we still have access to and use of created things and use them as God/love substitutes -- which includes other creatures i.e. animate and inanimate.

³The beauty of being a believing parent is God's forgiveness of us and unrelenting love for us frees us to acknowledge our mistakes and ask for our child's forgiveness when we make them -- and we will make them. Being a good parent isn't about being perfect, it's about being real and demonstrating the love and grace of God in our brokenness. Our brokenness becomes an opportunity to demonstrate how the grace of God works in our lives as imperfect bearers of God's image (and in this sense the same as our kids - we all need and are recipients of grace) and therefore can be the same in the child's life as well. 

Believing we are loved

God telling us we are fully loved does not necessarily mean we believe we are fully loved. We can read and clearly see where God says he loves us and even comprehend the reasons for how and why, but that is not necessarily the same as actually believing it. 

If we are to experience and fully participate in the love that God truly has for us we must accept his assessment, fully believing it is true and reject our own or that of others (including Satan, the great accuser and deceiver).

Indications of unbelief…

How do we know if we are not fully believing? If you ever go through a hardship that causes you to question his wisdom, power, presence, or care/love for you; that very questioning is due to unbelief. I am not saying it's uncommon but it's unbelief nevertheless. 

Or if you choose to follow your directions over his directions, this also tells us we trust ourselves more than God; especially when he has clearly shown you an area you do this that you weren't previously aware of.

This questioning or choosing does not actually stop God's love, but it does prevent us from experiencing and fully participating in it.

Possible causes…

This happens for various reasons but perhaps the biggest reason is it is simply too hard for us to accept love offered to us that has nothing to do with whether we are lovely or not i.e. all our experience of being loved prior to God's love is based almost exclusively on our being "good enough" to be loved (the exceptions might be loving parents and family for those blessed enough to have such people in their life). 

It is hard to comprehend that God's love is based solely on someone else being good enough for us, on our behalf i.e. that someone removed the barrier that obstructed God's love for us and we had nothing to do with or for it. It is fully ours because of someone else's efforts. All we must do is believe it - accept it.

Our having trouble accepting Gods love can also be due to being mistreated so severely that we can not believe we are ever worthy of being loved.

Whatever the reason, we are called to believe God loves us not only because he says so but took action to prove it i.e. he told us the reason Christ came and died is because of God's love. In light of this action, the only question now is if God is for us who can be against us? 

What do you say? Do you believe?

Longing… Painful or Pleasant?

Longing for meaning, purpose, and happiness is both painful and pleasant. 

Too long for something is to desire what you do not have. 

To not have what you desire is to feel lack or emptiness. 

To lack or be empty is not pleasant but painful.

However, there is also no longing without hope.

If we have no hope, we cannot allow ourselves to feel longing out fear of not getting what we long for.

Without hope, our longing must be shut down or numbed or it will drive us to despair.  The reason people commit suicide is they lose hope. 

If we have hope of obtaining what we long for, we pursue it with excitement and anticipation of fulfillment. The greater the hope, the greater the excitement and anticipation. 

For these reasons, longing is both painful and pleasant at the same time.

Rom 8:24  For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25  But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. 

Rom 15:13  May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

Changed by love...literally

God's love for us is the means of our transformation/sanctification/ spiritual formation.

Prior to eternity, we experience his love *primarily by faith. In our present existence, we are called to believe that he loves us no matter what we are going through. The main proof of his love is the past work of Christ on our behalf.  

*I say primarily by faith because God occasionally demonstrates his love through our experience and circumstances. But even these we benefit from by faith (do you know for sure a positive experience or circumstance is from the hand of God? Yes, but by faith i.e. it could be things went well by luck or happenstance. Of course, we know for the true believer there is no such thing as luck or happenstance. But we know this by faith as well) and these are still secondary to the demonstration of his love for us in Christ's past work on our behalf. 

Once we go into eternity we experience his love firsthand by sight. As we continue to gaze upon him and take in his love we are transformed and our capacity for that love expands throughout eternity.

An illustration:

What is fascinating about talents shows like "American Idol" and "The Voice" is the transformation that occurs with the contestants as they continue to progress in the competition. As they do their view of themselves changes. Often after years of rejection and no recognition, they are beaten down and begin to doubt they have anything worthwhile to offer. They must believe against all odds to continue. 

But as they progress on the show they are confirmed in their belief/confidence and begin to have that belief reinforced that they really are capable after all and do have something valuable that others want. They begin to believe in their own value and talent. As they do you notice they become more relaxed, more confident and even more creative and productive (and if they recognize their gifts are from God, more humble). They begin to perform in ways they didn't know they were capable of. In short, they actually look better and perform better. The full talent that they possess blossoms more and more. 

This is a picture of the transformation that occurs with the child of God as they begin to realize God really does love and value them.

The big difference, of course, is our value is not based on our talents and efforts but ultimately on that of another i.e. on Christ's efforts on our behalf.