Driven by shame

Those who try to shame others into behaving the way they desire (i.e. to control them with shame) are themselves usually influenced or driven by shame (i.e. guilt feelings). We do who we are.

Why do most of us operate out of shame? 

The further away from God's ¹design we operate, the greater our guilt (real guilt vs guilt feelings). The greater our guilt feelings - i.e. sense of shame - the more it drives us and becomes our modus operandi -- the way we operate i.e. our actions are driven by guilt and shame instead of love as we were designed to operate.

Instead of seeking God to help us change the behavior that results in our shame, we often seek to get others to approve our behavior to find relief. We may not like the consequences of conduct that violates our design, but we like having no restrictions on our choices even less.

Because we are designed to ²give and receive love but cannot do so -- unless "plugged in" to the Source of love -- we never operate as we were designed, but are always operating with guilt and shame -- though we typically are not fully conscious of it unless some event triggers and surfaces it.

The more we operate out of shame the lower our sense of value/worth i.e. The more worthless we feel. This process often leads to depression and can ultimately lead to suicide if not addressed.

This is why we are constantly trying to do things to make us feel better about ourselves; to feel more important/ significant. We are in a constant state of pain and shame and always looking to relieve it.

As a result, we try to avoid things that make us feel worthless and cause shame -- like admitting we failed to accomplish a desired goal or are wrong when we mistreat others.

The only way to break free from this cycle of bondage, guilt, and shame is the grace of God -- the good news/gospel -- found in Jesus Christ alone.

For a further discussion of why we avoid the cause of guilt and shame click here.

For a further discussion of the cause and removal of guilt and shame click here.

For a discussion on the futility of engaging in guilt and shame click here and here.

For a discussion on our being designed for greatness/glory click here and here. 

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¹we are like God, designed for love. God is love, giving and receiving it back again. We need love (God); to receive it (Him) and reflect it to others and back to Him. We are most complete when we operate in this way - as we are designed to.

² "Positively" by outdoing/outperforming others. 

Negatively, by criticizing others to feel better about ourselves.

As God's rebellious image bearers, we run on empty (due to our rebellion) because we are disconnected from the Source of love. As a result, we attempt to get and take love instead of give and receive it as we were designed. At some level, we know this. For a further discussion on this point click here. 

I am putting "positively" in quotes because even though outdoing/outperforming others is considered constructive behavior, it is still behavior in an attempt to bolster our own sense of worth outside of God. This kind of behavior may be positive in the eyes of others but is contrary to who God designed us to be.

Feeling shame vs true guilt

Shame and guilt are often confused with each other. For us to advance as God desires, we must distinguish between shameful feelings and the actual guilt of not pursuing God as we were designed and called to. The former addresses our feeling the latter our conduct, actions, and obedience.

For a child of God, shame -- or guilt feelings if you prefer -- is a totally useless disposition. Nothing good comes of it. It obscures the grace of God and holds us back from pursuing God sincerely and earnestly. It is an attempt to atone for our own sins -- by wallowing in feelings of shame and self-pity -- when Christ has already atoned for our actual guilt completely and fully. It is a form of self-salvation and dishonors the work of Christ and the salvation he has already fully obtained and provided for us.

Admission of actual failure and real guilt on the other hand -- in contrast to guilt feelings i.e. shame -- is a very necessary and productive exercise. It is the essence of repentance. It is not until we fully recognize and acknowledge our true faults and shortcomings that we see the importance and value of turning from them and looking to Christ. Lack of genuine admission and confession of faults and failures -- actual guilt -- prevents us from pursuing God earnestly and appreciating his work on our behalf.

We usually think shame or guilt feelings are repentance when it's just the opposite. True recognition of guilt - i.e. harmful behavior -- and turning from it is repentance, not feelings of shame and guilt. 

We can be guilty without shame

God knows we're broken. When we mess up, it's no surprise to him. Nor is there scorn or rejection by him. He has no expectations of our being what we are not, nor does he want us to pretend to be something we aren't. After all, it was while we were in our state of rebellion, He did what we necessary to restore our relationship with him i.e. He died for us. He didn't do this because of our perfections, but because of our imperfections. Neither does he need us to be a certain way to fulfill something lacking within Himself. He owns all things, sustains all things, and already has all things. He needs nothing. 

We often think if we beat ourselves up enough, this will somehow reduce the fallout from our bad choices. God may be merciful, but there are always real consequences for our disobedience. However, consequences are not lessened by feelings of self-condemnation and shame. We can not use shame to barter with God. If we are in Christ, there is nothing to barter for. Christ already did our "bartering" for us on the cross. It is now finished. There is nothing else to barter about.

If we are in Christ, we are God's child and already have his total, nonstop love and commitment to our highest good. In fact, the very reason consequences are often not lessened, is so we might learn from the pain of our disobedience, i.e. for our good. Condemning ourselves does not somehow lessen the actual consequences. God allows us to experience the consequences of poor choices to get us to turn from those poor choices. 

So when we do fail, what should we do? We should understand that the failure has already been atoned for and to move forward, rejecting any and all feelings of shame and condemnation. There is no more actual condemnation for us who are in Christ and therefore neither the need to beat ourselves up by wallowing in self-pity and condemnation.

We should move forward fully acknowledging our failure (a fact, not a feeling), recognizing it is a violation of our design and God's desire for us (because he loves us) and therefore harmful to us and others as well as dishonoring to God. 

This isn't an issue of God being mad at us or rejecting us; in Christ, he does neither...ever! It simply means there are always natural and real consequences for our poor choices that are harmful and destructive. Not just to ourselves but others; as well as dishonoring to God. We should avoid them for these reasons alone, not to relieve guilt and shame. And when we understand the true harm of unfaithful behavior, these are enough to make us want to turn away from it. 

How much of your activity ("righteous" behavior) is merely an attempt to "appease" God, ease guilt feelings and reduce shame? We need to identify when and where we are doing so and stop! It is dishonoring to the work of Christ and channels our energies in a non-productive direction. It is what scripture refers to as "dead works." It is a subtle means of trying to earn God's love back. Stop doing it! It's an insult to Christ, to God and his love for you in Christ. 

Instead, we need to honestly and bravely look at our faults and failures squarely in the face, knowing they are totally and absolutely covered by the blood of Christ while at the same time knowing they also hinder us from drawing near to God. We must turn away from them (repent) and accept the love Christ already secured for us so our life might more fully reflect the beauty of the love and grace of God, bringing him greater honor.

"...For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate? Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good.

So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.

So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.

Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?

The answer?

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death (i.e. guilt and shame)..." - Rom 7:14-8:2

2Co 7:10  For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation -- not legally but practically i.e. freedom from destructive behavior -- without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. 

Why should we avoid sin

Should we avoid wrongdoing? Yes, and no. No!?

As God's child, we are not to avoid harmful behavior (sin) because of guilt, shame, threat of judgment, or fear of punishment. Why? Because Christ ¹already addressed these fully and perfectly!

Also, note, that in those situations, the focus of guilt and shame is usually not about others but ourselves, i.e. my guilt and my shame, etc. It isn't on how I am hurting others, but on how guilt and shame affect me.

Then why should we avoid wrongdoing?

Because it's incredibly harmful and destructive to others, not just ourselves. (This is primarily about others, not just us - God first and loving our neighbor as we love ourselves). 

Harmful (wrong) behavior cuts us off from the source of our spiritual and emotional development, violates our design, and prevents us from reaching our greatest potential, thereby dishonoring our Creator and Designer, others, as well as ourselves.

It would be equivalent to a child growing up severely malnourished, resulting in them wearing leg braces or needing a special needs education when genetically he or she had the initial capacity of being an Olympian or great inventor.

Wrong, harmful behavior (sin) no longer matters when it comes to our good standing - legal status - before God or his perfect and total acceptance of us but it matters dramatically when it comes to our being all we were created to be for God and our neighbor.

And because it no longer affects our good standing (legal status) before God, this frees us to focus on being all God designed us to be out of love for and trust in Him. Understanding this is absolutely essential to living for God as He intends us to - out of love and trust, not guilt and shame.

God's total acceptance, love and embrace of us - because of Christ's efforts - is the spiritual and emotional nourishment we need and must have to thrive, flourish, and be all God designed us to be.

This is the essence of Paul's words in Rome 8:1-4:

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death (i.e. guilt, shame, and condemnation). For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit."

To the woman caught in adultery...

Jesus stood up and said, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.” - Jn 8:10‭-‬11

Though Christ clearly forgave her, it was also clear that he wanted her to abandon a life of destructive behavior (to others as well as herself); not to make her more acceptable to God but because he had already fully accepted (forgiven) her and desired her best, i.e. he loved her.

We are to avoid wrong behavior because we love Him who loved us first.

For a further discussion of the full extent of our forgiveness and God's love, click here.

For a discussion on the righteousness of Christ assigned to us, click here

For a discussion on guilt feelings versus actual guilt, click here

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¹To live in guilt and shame for our wrong doing and bad choices is saying Christ's work on our behalf did not adequately address these. This is an insult to Christ's work for us which dishonors him.

avoiding guilt and shame

Why do we avoid experiencing guilt and shame (i.e. resist acknowledging our shortcomings), often with great energy and determination? Because guilt and shame is crippling i.e. It makes us feel worthless. 

This goes against everything in us. We are not designed to feel worthless but cherished and loved. To say it another way, we are hard wired to experience greatness/glory (For more discussion in this see the links below).

It doesn't take much 

Guilt and shame is right below the surface of our feelings and easily exposed/surfaced with the slightest provocation. We are walking guilt and shame time bombs with a hairpin trigger. We see evidence of this with some of the items listed below. 

How do we avoid (or respond to) feelings of guilt and shame? Our options:

·      Lash out at those who cause these (play the victim...common today)

·       Avoid those who cause these (find a "safe space" which can be lonely since none of us are perfect i.e. there are no truly safe spaces since we must engage people all the time).

·      Ignore or pretend our shame doesn't really exist i.e. It's all in our head.

·      Recognize and experience the removal of actual guilt and shame (not just the feelings) through the sacrificial death of Christ on our behalf (the only permanent and real solution).

For a further discussion of the cause and removal of guilt and shame click here.

For a discussion on the futility of indulging in guilt and shame click here and here.

For a discussion on our being designed for greatness/glory click here and here. 

Good or bad guilt?

Are there different kinds of guilt? Can there be good and bad guilt? 

Most of us experience guilt feelings whenever we hurt or damage someone (intentionally or not) in some way and even more so if we are called out on it by others or even ourselves.

But how should we respond when this happens? 

I would suggest guilt is guilt - i.e. guilt is real, not simply a feeling and we are either guilty (objectively) or we are ¹not. The real question is how do we process and respond to guilt feelings? 

It's not that there is good or bad guilt per se but rather a constructive (good) or a destructive (bad) response to it.

Destructive response

We beat ourselves up (shame ourselves) over it, which ironically is an attempt to minimize (downplay) the hurt we caused someone else in order to relieve our shame (our hurt) - i.e. this is a focus on us and not the injured party, where it should be. It is self-centered not other-focused. As a result, we attempt to defend our actions. 

Constructive response

When we immediately recognize and acknowledge the hurt we caused, ask forgiveness, and seek to restore the injured party whenever and wherever possible, as quickly as possible. This is the healthy and appropriate response.

"Now I am happy, not because you were made sad, but because your sorrow made you decide to change (constructive). That is what God wanted, so you were not hurt by us in any way.

The kind of sorrow God wants makes people decide to change their lives. This leads them to ²salvation (constructive), and we cannot be sorry for that. But the kind of sorrow the world has will bring death (destructive)." 2Co 7:9-10

How do we "do" good guilt and not bad? 

It's a matter of the heart. When we are secure in God's love and know all our guilt before God -- and the ultimate legal consequences of our hurtful behavior from God -- is already fully taken care of (satisfied, removed) we are free to more clearly see and admit the hurt we cause others and no longer seek or attempt to ease our sense of failure. 

This is not something we try to do it is something that simply happens when we fully recognize and know who we are in Christ i.e. fully loved, forgiven, and accepted vs shamed.

For a child of God, the question isn't if we are ever guilty of hurting others. We are all guilty of offenses and all of us are also offended. The only question is how we address that guilt; in a constructive or destructive way. Because of Christ, it can always be constructive if we receive and believe his offer. The more we do the more we are able to.

For more on God's remedy for offenses click here.
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¹some are surprised to know that guilt feelings do not necessarily involve actual guilt.

For more discussion on guilt, the following may be of interest...

Driven by guilt and shame

Feeling shame versus true guilt

²Paul is talking of salvation in the sense that good guilt leads to our turning away -- it delivers (saves) us -- from destructive behavior. It is constructive, practical deliverance from destructive behavior, not legal justification. This is not about being saved by works, it is about works that come forth because we are already freed of the just condemnation for harmful behavior.

condemnation removed - righteousness assigned

We have two subtle and deeply embedded needs. We need relief from guilt, shame, and a sense of failure. We also need to know we are valuable, significant, worthwhile. The former removes something bad from us, and the latter asserts or gains something good for us. 

Though these are separate needs, they are connected. The former (guilt/shame/failure) eats away and diminishes our sense of the latter (value/significant/worth). To fail at a task is to feel worthless; a loser as they say. *Guilt and a sense of worthlessness are directly tied together. 

When we speak of Christ's work for us, we usually focus on the former - God's removal of the just condemnation for our **rebellion. Our greater awareness of this need, more than the need for a sense of value, maybe due to our constant and deeply embedded feelings of guilt and shame. Being ***relieved of pain (shame) can feel more urgent than gaining something we strongly desire (importance) e.g. We are not going to be concerned about our appearance or achievements right after dropping a large rock on our toe. 

For this reason, the need for being valued and significant is not often thought about when we consider all that Christ offers us but is at least equal to, if not more important when it comes to our long-term faithfulness to God. 

Christ lived a life of perfect faithfulness (obedience) to His Father - never-failing and always succeeding - to the point of feeling abandoned by His Father and enduring the most shameful death. This perfect life of faithful obedience is now fully assigned-credited to us as if we lived His life of perfect faithfulness if we accept his offer. When we do we are viewed by God as perfect in our faithfulness - even though we are far from it. 

We are now equally admirable and loved by the Father as Jesus is. This isn't a feeling, it's an objective reality. It is how God sees us if we are in Christ. 

John 15:9 as the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.

How would we describe the Father's love for His Son? Whatever way we describe it, it is the same love the Son has for us. This kind of love is not possible unless we are perfect in God's eyes. A perfection lived out by Christ and fully assigned-credited to us. Just as Christ was treated as the rebels we are - wholly condemned - we are now seen as a perfect and complete success the same way Christ is - wholly accepted and approved of. 

For an extended discussion of our guilt and shame, click here and here.

For a further discussion on being hard-wired for greatness, click here. 

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*Depression is the result of a deep sense of failure and guilt, leading to a feeling of worthlessness. If this is left unaddressed, it can lead to suicide.

**i.e. Our rebellious distrust of God. Distrust leads to unfaithfulness in giving God his rightful and due recognition as the one and only all-glorious God worthy of all thanks.

***The most successful people in business I have known over the years said they were driven far more by fear of loss than a desire for gain. 

Righteousness vs shame

Righteousness is a dirty word for many today. In the minds of more than a few, it suggests someone who is self-righteous or hypocritical. This is justifiably unappealing to anyone. 

However, the Bible offers a very different definition. 

Righteousness means to be and feel presentable, acceptable i.e. right. To pass inspection and be approved and found acceptable and in right relationship with another, even pleasing in the eyes of someone I wish or seek to please. 

We want to be approved by someone we value and even more so by someone whose opinion we value most; someone who is ¹highly valuable themselves that we highly regard or value. The more important they are to us and others the more significant their approval.

We all desire to be well-pleasing - approved, accepted, praised, and impressive in the eyes of another. 

Shame is feeling just the opposite - it is feeling rejected,  unacceptable, unapproved, and insignificant.

Prior to the rebellion in Eden, there was no shame, i.e. No sense of being unacceptable or unpresentable; of not feeling or being right. We were totally comfortable being uncovered with nothing hidden - not just physically, but in every way. (Hiding indicates guilt and shame. Before the rebellion in the garden, there was neither). We felt no need to hide or cover anything, particularly failure since there had been none.

And the man and his wife were both naked and ⁵were not ashamed.  Genesis 2:25 ESV

Why does shame matter? 

Ever since the rebellion of our original parents in Eden we have been under the burden of a deeply buried sense of shame from failure. This sense of shame (failure) has a very powerful hold and control over us. So much so that Adam and Eve felt compelled to hide - to cover themselves in an attempt to hide their failure to heed God's directions and its resulting shame. 

Since the original rebellion of Adam, we are now filled with shame because of alienation from (and absence of) our Creator - the true and rightful source of our significance and value. 

We severed our connection with God (and our sense of His acceptance and approval) by turning away from Him and refusing to heed his warning to not eat from the forbidden tree. 

As a result, we had to be removed from the garden - i.e. paradise, home - so we could no longer eat of the tree of life while ²in this state of rebellion. This would have allowed us to live indefinitely without having to deal with and face the consequences of our rebellion. This is contrary to who we truly are - i.e. creatures designed to be in harmony with their Creator and willingly participating and experiencing life with and in God. Their choice severed their relationship with our Creator.

Ever since our rebellion we have also longed to be restored and return to Eden; to be welcomed again; to be complete again; to have peace and contentment again; to be filled with love and joy without interruption again - as we were originally and are still designed to be now. 

We long to be "home" i.e. in a place where we feel we belong and are safe. A place where we are welcomed, held, and cherished.

But we want this on our terms, not the terms we were designed to live under. We have rebelled and continue to rebel against God and our design. We now refuse to trust Him and seek Him to fill this longing for "home."  We seek "home" anywhere and in anything other than God.

Our rebellion may not be conscious on our part but every time we look to anything other than God for our sense of value, it is an act of rebellion, i.e. distrust of God. We put our trust in anything but God - who alone can give us our true sense of value (glory) - and look anywhere except to Him for life - i.e. for meaning, significance, purpose, value, identity, fulfillment, glory etc. This is now our default response on how we handle life (until God gets hold of our hearts). It is a response of rebellious distrust of God.

We may not feel or be fully aware of the depth of our shame, but we are often keenly aware of a need for approval or praise - or when we are disapproved of or rejected i.e. shamed. At the heart of our need for approval and praise is a sense of shame and a desire to avoid it at all costs. 

We always carry with us a sense of rejection (and a fear that our shame can't be fixed if our failures are ever exposed), a sense of restlessness, of being out of the environment we were meant to be in, of being "away from home." 

Our need to constantly be affirmed (and prove) we are significant, important, and loved - i.e. worthy of these - is because we don't feel we are but should be. ³We are in a constant state of shame, no matter how deeply buried it may be or how unconscious we are of it. 

We may feel good about ourselves in our best moments, but as soon as we mess up - or are simply accused of messing up, the shame - ever lurking under the surface - rushes to the top and rears its ugly head. 

Our failures are devastating because we depend on our successes to feel significant, accepted, and loved - i.e. to feel good about ourselves - instead of looking to God for these things.

Once we get a hold of the fact that we are significant, accepted, and fully loved in Christ, these failures and the fear of them being seen have far less sway over us. The more we believe (abide) in God's love, the less our shame or fears control us and the more we operate from love for God and others. Shame is all about me. Love is about others. 

In Christ, we are free from the need to be approved by others - or even ourselves. As we more fully grasp that we are ⁴approved by the most significant person of all - the very Creator and Sustainer of life and all things - we are increasingly freed from trying to win the approval of others. If He is for us, then who (including ourselves) can be against us?

God constantly seeks to reveal to us how much we depend on something other than him for life (feeling accepted,  loved, and approved). This occurs most often in our pain and struggles. He seeks to strip away our ⁶idols and draw us closer to Him (which usually feels more like death at the time, not a means to life). He is always calling us closer because he knows in Him alone is true and eternal life i.e. to draw us closer is not only for his greater glory but our highest good - our best interest. 

The maturing process is increasingly turning away from those things we derive our worth (and identity) from and more to Him. God is constantly seeking to help us see that finding life - i.e. a sense of value, meaning, and significance - is only in Him and not the other things we look to and have grown to count and depend on. 

As we mature we come to see – by God's love and Spirit - how much we look to ⁶everything but Him for “life.” 

The only question is will you return to him? Christ has done all that is necessary for you to be perfectly accepted and fully embraced by His Father. It is up to us now to receive (believe) this (His) offer. To not, is to continue on our current path, rejecting His offer and Him i.e. to continue on our path of shame and destruction. 

For a discussion on the meaning of life, click here. 

For a discussion on pleasing God, click here

For a discussion on good and bad self-confidence, click here. 

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¹And who is greater, more significant, more valuable and worthy of our respect, honor, and worship then the Creator and Sustainer of love, life, and all things? No one and nothing! For from him through him and to him or all things!

²To continue living in a state of rebellion unchecked by death, only results in increasing destruction by us. 

³I am speaking of humanity in general when in a state of separation from God. We can be and are freed of these things the more we understand, receive and partake of the love of God.

⁴And not only are we approved by the Creator of all things - the most significant person in the universe - but this same person provided for us all that was necessary for that approval. This in great part is why He is so significant.

⁵God's description of us just before we rebelled.

⁶ An idol is anything we value more than God. 

⁷To get an idea of our shame consider having your private thought's or actions played out and posted to a YouTube channel the entire world is subscribed to. Thoughts or acts of anger, lust, fear, disloyalty, lying and hatred and so on we might engage in over the course of a several days. 

Would we be proud of everything revealed or embarrassed to show our face in public? Would people want to embrace us or avoid us after watching? To avoid shame we may go as far as saying any rejection we experience is the fault of others, not our own.

Pressure to act...good or bad?

Does guilt and shame ever pressure us to act? 

Constantly! Without the love of God filling us, by and through the grace of God, these are always a part of our actions. 

Should we ever act out of guilt and shame? 

Never! At least not if we are in Christ. 

Shift

Is all pressure to act, bad? 

No. We can feel impelled out of fullness to represent God well which is a good pressure (if we can call it that), a pressure from within; one we can embrace and should heed. 

This comes out of a love for God and desire to honor him because he has loved and honored us in Christ.

Conclusion

We act only for one of two reasons; the glory of God or the glory/comfort/relief of self apart from God.

Why we act (motive) is always key to distinguishing good from bad actions; good from bad pressure.

#Guilt #Shame #Love #ThoughtsAboutGod #ThotsAboutGod

Living by grace... saved by grace. The same or different?

We have heard the expressions "saved by grace" and "living by grace" (sometimes referred to as "living by faith") but are these different? If so, what is the difference? Are they similar? How?

They are the same, but also different.

They are the same in that both address God's love for us based on and secured by:

1. Christ! His work on our behalf, i.e. the gospel/good news.

and 

2. Both are received and experienced by faith.

  

How are they different:

Saved by grace addresses 

1. Our sin problem, i.e. our legal status and standing of guilt and condemnation before God prior to being in Christ. Plus, our internal turmoil of guilt and shame (our internal pain and suffering) that comes from this. 

In Christ both are gone. We are now fully accepted and loved by God in Christ and will never be loved more than we already are. 

Living by grace addresses

2. Our circumstances/ suffering/ hardship problem i.e. our practical everyday experience. This addresses how our external turmoil and suffering from painful circumstances are used by God to advance us. Nothing, no hardship, no loss, no struggle, can or will ever separate us from the love of God in Christ. 

Summary:

1. Saved by grace – God loves us no matter what our sin, i.e. our inside issue of guilt and shame, which is our internal pain and suffering.

2. Living by grace – God loves us no matter what our circumstances, i.e. our outside issue of circumstantial pain and suffering.

We suffer pain both internally and externally. 

Internally because we rebelled and broke away from the source of love and life, thereby living in a state of guilt and shame with a constant need for assurance that we are significant, important, of value, etc.

Externally because we live in a fallen and broken world due to humanity's rebellious distrust of God - including our own - resulting in the mistreatment of each other. 

Not only are all men and women broken and inclined away from God but the rest of creation as well i.e. the planet is in bondage, resulting in disease, decay, and death. We always encounter "thorns and thistles" in all our endeavors. 

By God's grace, we are assured that he loves us no matter how messed up our world is both inside and out!

Amazing grace!!!

A primary passage addressing how we are saved by grace – Romans chapters 3-8:25. 

A key verse is Rom 5:8 "... but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

A primary passage addressing how we live by grace – Romans chapter 8:26-39. 

Key verses are Rom 8:38 "... For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

For a fuller discussion click here

Co-dependence

We hear a lot about co-dependence these days. But what exactly is it, what causes it and how does it work? 

A co-dependent relationship is a mutually accepted arrangement between two people to take or get from the other what they need i.e. a relationship where each party agrees to use the other to meet their needs (not necessarily ¹consciously or verbally, but often - if not always - an unspoken understanding/agreement). 

When there is "giving" it is not truly to give but is giving in order to ultimately get. It is based solely on getting by both party's not based on giving. It is a relationship based on mutual taking. 

Co-dependent relationships can and often do work for an extended time as long as circumstances are good, i.e. good money, good sex, mutual goals, pleasant circumstances, etc. When circumstances become hard, the underlying weakness of this type of relationship is brought to the surface and exposed.

Co-dependent relationships also become unglued and unravel when one party becomes healthy and the other doesn't. For these relationships to continue working well, each must remain unhealthy (i.e. co-dependent) and circumstances remain easy/comfortable.

Health vs co-dependence

Healthy relationships may look very similar on the outside to co-dependent ones but operate totally different "under the hood" (on the inside). The motive that drives and holds a healthy relationship together is completely different from an unhealthy one.

A healthy relationship is based on giving not getting. Because of this, it is virtually impossible to distinguish between a co-dependent relationship and a healthy relationship on the outside - though there are often red flags that give us a clue when a relationship is more co-dependent. Only as we become spiritually and emotionally whole/healthy are we able to more clearly see the difference (not necessarily or always with others, but more with ourselves).

All relationships may have some co-dependent elements mixed in. It depends on the individuals within the relationship. The healthier the individuals, the healthier and less co-dependent the relationship. Most relations are a mixture because few of us are completely whole/healthy spiritually and emotionally.

How do we become healthy? By looking to our Creator as we were designed to and deriving our sense of worth, value, and love from Him as our ²primary source. 

The greatest emotional health can only come through knowing we are perfectly and infinitely loved. And that can only occur by and through the Infinite Source of love - i.e. God - and ³not until then. 

The more we draw our sense of love and value from God in all his infinite love, the more whole/healthy we become.

For a further discussion of the necessity of trust in a healthy relationship, click here.

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Footnotes:

¹When Adam and Eve rebelled from their dependence on God, they cut themselves off from the only source of true life and love. As warned by God, the consequence of this was death. The essence of death was not only physical but no aspect of their existence was whole/connected/unified any longer. Not only was their relationship and connection with God severed, but unity with each other, the rest of creation and self as well. We experience this same disconnect to this day.  

One result of our disconnect with self is we no longer have a clear awareness of our heart and true motive for acting. We not only hide our true condition from God, but from ourselves as well as from each other.

The essence of death is separation from God, the source of life and love we were designed to operate in and by. This resulting in fragmentation of all other aspects of our existence. 

Without God, nothing works as originally designed. Everything is broken. In short, we are spiritually dead and therefore emotionally empty/ bankrupt; so much so that we are often in denial of this in our present condition.

We are so full of pain from the guilt and shame of our rebellion and subsequent failure to be who we were designed to be - i.e. recipients and conduits of God's love designed to love God with all we have and are and our neighbor as ourself - we are unable to acknowledge the depth of our brokenness; doing so is simply too painful and overwhelming. Only the love of God - His perfect acceptance and embrace of us as we are - can free us to take an honest look at our broken condition. 

When we come to trust Christ did everything necessary to remove our guilt before God and restore us back to the relation of infinite love we were originally designed for, only then are we able (feel safe enough) to acknowledge the extent of our brokenness to him and ourselves. We can only fully acknowledge our true condition in and through Christ.

For a further discussion on pain, click here.

For a further discussion on what it means to be broken click here. 

For a further discussion on the solution to guilt and shame click here.

For more posts discussing guilt and shame click here.

²God shows His love through others but that love will only be received as it should be when we recognize those who love well only do so because they have learned to receive God's love well. It is God Himself that they are indirectly experiencing through others. 

³Since the '60s when "free love" was heavily promoted and took a foothold in American culture, the cohesion of the family unit has deteriorated significantly in America.

Before then more kids grew up in a relatively stable and supportive family environment resulting in them feeling safer, more loved, nurtured, valued etc. (not necessarily because today's parents are unloving but because they were together and more unified in their commitment to the child and each other) which also gave the child a stronger sense of worth. This resulted in healthier individuals and less co-dependent relationships. 

The ultimate result of the breakdown of the family unit is that co-dependence is on the rise. The fruit of this is the rise of narcissistic self worship e.g. the age of the selfie and a major focus on loving ourselves.

The irony (silver lining to this cloud of dysfunction) is it is when we are weakest, at our worst, we are most likely to look to and appreciate God for help most.