discrimination?

Have you ever felt discriminated against? How did it feel? I experienced what some would consider discrimination only twice in my life. Once, years ago, when I transferred from one college to another. The second time was more recently when I moved from one state to another.

Was I being discriminated against? By today's definition, some would argue yes. At a minimum, I at least felt I was being avoided, but not for the reasons I thought.

Even though my experiences were not on par with a lifetime of discrimination, the solution is the same whether you experience a lifetime of "discrimination" or only once or twice, like I did. It's not how long or often I experienced it, but that I did. As a result, I now understand, to a limited degree, what it feels like.

Indulge me as I share some background to help flesh out what I experienced and learned. 

The first instance was when I transferred from one Christian college to another. I was 21 and had known the Lord for only 4 years. I already attended one college for two years but as the summer after my Sophomore year progressed, it became increasingly clear I would not earn enough to go back. I was discouraged and disappointed. 

A family heard about my situation and anonymously offered to pay for me to go to a different Bible College. I found this out towards the end of the summer, right around the application cut off time. I recall even missing the deadline. Miraculously, I was accepted. Though a little apprehensive about changing schools, I was excited and took this as God's confirmation I was on the right track and in for a treat.

Because I could not transfer all my credits, I was classified as a sophomore again. Bummer! Instead of being halfway through college, I was only 1/4 through - my first obstacle. In addition, I was two years older than the typical sophomore because of working a year after high school and having to redo my sophomore year. When I transferred I was a 21-year-old sophomore when most of my classmates were 19. Two years' difference isn't usually a big deal but after being a year in the workforce and no longer fresh out of high school I discovered two years, in this circumstance, were light-years apart.

My new classmates had also already spent a full year together establishing friendships. Unexpectedly, I walked into a situation where it seemed impossible to connect with anyone. I made friends with a few juniors and seniors closer to my age but they had even longer-standing friendships and what seemed a full plate of friends already, so I didn't make a strong connection their either. I felt surprisingly isolated, in a Christian college no less. It seemed no matter what I did or how hard I tried, people avoided me. Being an army brat, moving around a lot, I had always been able to make new friends fairly easily -- not this time. I was lonely and miserable. So much so I remember telling God it would be ok if he took me home -- not to live with my parents but to be with Him in eternity -- and hoping he would.

The second event... 

was just 4 years ago. This was surprising since I thought I had already sorted this through with the above instance several years before. My daughter and her husband were considering starting a family and asked if I would come out and be a granddad, to which I gladly agreed. So I pulled up roots - I am now single, so not a big deal to move - and moved from San Diego to Austin, Texas.  

I had been in my former church in San Diego for close to 12 years. It was a typical church spanning the full generational spectrum with babies, teens, young adults to a few in their 80's and everything in between. Probably the average age was in the 40's to early '50s. I was 49 when I first started attending, right in the thick of things chronologically. Age-wise I was also right in the middle of the two brothers who co-pastored the church; one a year older than me and one a year younger. I even went surfing with the younger brother a few times. While there, I taught a class for 11 years, lead a home group, a men's group and was co-director of a men's discipleship program. I had established some strong connections. 

A new church and whole new ball game. 

At my new church in Austin, the senior pastor was 40 at the time and my local lead pastor was in his early 30's, along with our two elders and the other lead pastors and elders at the other local congregations -- we are a multi-congregational church at 5 different locations. The original downtown congregation was near a major University with the average attendee's age in their mid-'20s with many under 20. A much younger church than I had ever attended. Plus I wasn't a kid anymore being 61 at the time I moved.

After a few months I began leading a home group where the age ran from late 20’s to mid 30’s. My daughter and her husband were in the group. Right away I "felt" the age difference. I was the "old guy" for sure. During our social time, any conversation involving pop culture went totally over my head. If you talked about music from the 60s and 70s or movies and sports up through the 90s I was right with you, after that, I was not -- not owning a TV for the last 6 years didn’t help. I was from "another era" but it felt more like from another planet. 

On Sundays, I also felt isolated and found it hard to connect -- being one of only a handful of "whiteheads" probably didn't help. My external difference stood out like a sore thumb. In our congregation, there was only a small group of folks close to my age and maybe only one or two at my age or older - this has since changed with several older folks now attending. After church, folks were happy to see each other, touching base and catching up on the past week while I was off to the side looking in. I am also single now. Even those I knew close to my age were married; another area I was "different" from the handful of my peers. Again I found myself in a unique set of circumstances that made me feel even more isolated.  

Why all the background? To illustrate and help explain a very important lesson I learned in both cases, but on a fuller level the second time. 

Where did the learning start? Regarding the first event, while in college I took a class on the Prophets. The book of Habakkuk floored me. Things were really bad in the nation of Israel, yet God was doing something vital and very significant no matter how it appeared otherwise. As a result, Habakkuk gained a new perspective that enabled him to overcome the greatest obstacles. That message landed for me, and my whole outlook shifted. I'll address the result shortly since it is the same for both events. 

Regarding the second event, after being in Texas for 3 years and digging into God's word I was increasingly reminded that His love and presence had nothing to do with my circumstances or feelings. This experience actually forced me to grow deeper roots into the gospel of God's grace. As I let this sink in again, it began to free me up to focus more on the needs of others i.e. I gradually stopped having a pity party - though once in a while I still need to "check" myself. 

In both cases, I was reminded that God is with me and for me, not against me. And guess what happened? People started becoming more friendly as my attitude shifted. Looking back, I think they always were friendly but I was giving off such a negative vibe of desperation; I was repelling people. I felt discriminated against, or so I thought. And maybe, in a way, I was. More on this in a minute.

Regarding the more recent second event, I also learned there is actually a label for people "discriminated" against because of age. It's called ageism. Who would have thought!? It is something I hadn't even considered before then. I'm not saying this doesn't happen, but I came to see that ultimately it doesn't matter. I chuckle a little thinking about it now.

Regarding the first event, once I realized God was working even when it didn't appear or feel like it, my outlook shifted and folks seemed to suddenly "come out of the woodwork" and became much friendlier. Seeing this truth freed me from being the victim. Plus, I gained a whole new group of friends since I was no longer so desperate to find them.

What I learned about others and myself. 

It was good going through these situations to get a sense of what many feel when they are not being treated "fairly" or at least not being treated the way they feel they **should be. But the bigger lesson for me was no one enjoys hanging out with someone who has a chip on their shoulder or constantly "playing the victim card" and feeling sorry for themselves. 

Unless we are tuned in to God and are exceptionally gracious, none of us like being around someone negative, resentful, or having a pity party. If someone is always whining and playing the victim, people avoid *them. It is too emotionally draining and time-consuming for others when they already have a full plate - I'm sure, with little effort, you can think of someone who fits the bill. The irony is the more we complain about being avoided - or "discriminated" against, the more we are avoided. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. We are a major part of the problem. Instead of looking at ourselves and how we contribute to the problem we demand being treated more fairly - often demanding an apology as well, even trying to "guilt" others into treating us as we demand - which pushes people even further away and creates resentment for having a guilt trip put on them.

Actually, we all, in varying degrees, are inclined to avoid others like this. Is this being discriminatory in a negative sense? Maybe, but on a certain level, I think this is normal and even valid. Everyone has their rough periods and we should be there for them during those times. But also we need to be wise in how we handle others who have no genuine interest in becoming better but simply seek to use and take advantage of others. Christ cautioned not to "cast our pearls before swine." He wasn't calling people pigs but using an analogy to illustrate why we shouldn't give something valuable to someone who would not truly appreciate it. There may be times it is appropriate or necessary to reach out to someone who takes advantage of others but we must be sure God is calling us to such a situation. If not, you will not be making wise use of your time and resources and could get burnt out as a result. Christ sought out those who genuinely and humbly appreciated what he offered. He told his disciples to brush the dust off their feet when they leave the town of those who don't. 

The important lesson is how we are treated sometimes has little or nothing, to do with who we are externally - our gender, **** "race" or age - but with who we are internally. It is more about our attitude toward ourselves and others, not our outward appearance or identity. The good news is we may not always be able to change our external characteristics or attributes, but we can always change our attitude. 

We all can probably think of someone who doesn't have a lot going for them as far as the world or a certain group is concerned -- they are the "wrong" height, age, gender, look, color (hair or otherwise), accent, tell the wrong jokes etc.etc. -- but because they have such a great outlook on life, we love being around them. I can think of a few in high school and college like this. One was a small, slightly pudgy wheelchair-bound girl named Debbie with muscular dystrophy, with no hope for a cure. I heard she went to be with the Lord only a few years later. She was probably in her twenties when I met her.  She loved Jesus, and it showed. Even though you could hardly understand her, everyone loved Debbie. She wasn't self-absorbed or self-conscious but friendly, thoughtful, always smiling, and focused on others. As the saying goes, no one likes a whiner and everyone loves a "winner" -- not necessarily on the outside but on the inside. There were lots of reasons people might want to avoid Debbie, but there was one big reason they didn't. She loved others. 

When we recognize God sees us *# as valuable and is working in and through us for our good, regardless of circumstances, condition, status, etc., our attitude and outlook changes. We become more attractive internally and it comes out in how we treat and approach others and how they respond and treat us back. We are no longer victims but overcomers through the love of Christ. Who we are in Christ is far more important than how we are treated or perceived. This doesn't make mistreatment right but it makes it less significant, maybe even insignificant.

As odd as it sounds to me today, I felt at least a little mistreated during these two events. The former because I was the outsider and the later because I was an "old man." As I was freed from negative and destructive thinking, others' treatment of me changed. I was the same guy on the outside; my hair was still white - the 2nd event anyway - but now I was giving off a very different "vibe." As a result, folks began to treat me differently. Instead of avoiding me, they were friendly. Imagine that! 

During the first event, people seemed to avoid me - and probably did to some extent. Even if they didn't, I couldn't see it. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. If they didn't go out of their way to make me feel welcomed, I felt mistreated.

When I stopped thinking of myself

I am not at all suggesting some groups or individuals are not mistreated more than others, nor whether this is right. It is not. Could the folks have treated me better in these different situations? Possibly, but if not handled properly it would only have reinforced my unhealthy attitude. That wouldn't have been in my best interest or theirs. When I was feeling "discriminated against," my concern was all about me, *****not others. This was definitely not loving my neighbor as myself.

The ultimate example of the opposite of a pity party is Christ when he hung the cross and said, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do."

It also helps to stop and consider how things operate in God's economy. Being mistreated isn't ******unusual in a fallen and broken world but neither is it without benefit. If we are his children, God is always working, always with us and always using all things for our good. To focus on being mistreated now or in the past loses sight of this very basic truth and does no one any good. We are even cautioned to not let a root of bitterness grown within us. It, in fact, negatively affects everyone around us. If there is injustice, though it is wrong, it is not for us to demand it for ***ourselves. We can hope for it and seek it for others, but beyond that, we must leave it in God's hands and trust he alone knows how best to address this and will do what needs to be done as we seek to honor him. We are to look to God to fight our battles, not ourselves, assuming one even needs to be fought.

Paul talked about his inward man being renewed as his outer man died. And he spoke of this as gaining for him an eternal benefit far greater than any temporary loss. As his children and disciples, this is the outlook we are also called to have regardless of who we are or how we are treated. 

So there is a tension. It is wrong to mistreat and oppress others, but our life is of far greater significance than what we experience in this present and temporary existence. And as we seek to honor God, we will be mistreated regardless, if just for this reason alone. Christ said if they persecuted Me they will persecute you if you seek to honor me. This is the outlook we are called to have. Demanding justice for ourselves and feeling we are a victim does not bring about God's honor. 

The old saying is appropriate when it comes to "discrimination"... You can please all the people some of the time. Some of the people all the time but you will never please all the people all the time. 

Another way of saying this is some are not going to like us no matter what we do, what color we are, what our nationality or age is, and so on. This happens to everyone regardless of who they are. Yes, we are to be at peace with all men, but it also says as far as it is up to us. You can't win every one, so stop trying. Also, don't make everything about discrimination and assume you are being treated wrongly because of who you are. It may be for that reason but it's not automatic. And frankly, for people who don't treat us well, it's not worth our time and energy to focus on. We are called to be content no matter what our station in life and to love our enemies. As followers of Christ, we are to be about God's mission, not ours. His is about advancing his glory and kingdom throughout the world to all people of every nation and color. When we are wronged - and if you haven't been yet, wait... you will be at some point, regardless of race - remember that Vengeance is mine says, God. I will repay, not us. 

For a further discussion of being a victim click here.

For a further discussion of being a victim vs an offender click here. 

For a further discussion on racism and forgiveness click here. ___________________________________________________________

* or they will find other victims and have a pity party together. Their common bond is an example of classic co-dependence. 

*# as well as created us exactly the way we are and put us where we are. If we take issue with our lot in life we must address that with God first, not our fellow man.

** "should" is the fruit of demanding and is rooted in pride

***Though I think it is right to plead for justice on the behalf of others -- particularly those who are genuinely defenseless and unable to defend themselves, such as the unborn -- it is not for us to do it on our own behalf and certainly not to demand it for ourselves. But that is the key; doing it for ourselves. We must plead our case before God not man and entrust ourselves into His care.

****I put this in quotes because our race is not the primary thing that defines us. In the most important and ultimate sense, it's insignificant. What defines us is who God says we are, not others.

Gal 3:28  There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

Rom 10:12  For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him.

And what else does God say about us? We are all in His image i.e. we are like God. It is in this sense the founders meant that all men are created equal -- they understood that to include both genders. -- We are not necessarily equal in our skills or circumstances but in our value and significance to God. 

***** In fairness it should be pointed out people rightfully get upset when those they love get mistreated. However, the question then becomes what should we do about it. How do we handle it? Certainly, it's worth raising awareness of injustice. But if injustice is not addressed - or while we are seeing to raise awareness - it can become a real opportunity to point those we love to Jesus and to look to him for love, not feeble humanity. This world is broken and Christ told us in this world we will have tribulation, not might have it. But he also said, I have overcome the world. In Him, we and those we love can also overcome it. 

******We all offend and are offended.  For a discussion of the solution click here.
 

 #racism, racial, race