Good or bad guilt?

Are there different kinds of guilt? Can there be good and bad guilt? 

Most of us experience guilt feelings whenever we hurt or damage someone (intentionally or not) in some way and even more so if we are called out on it by others or even ourselves.

But how should we respond when this happens? 

I would suggest guilt is guilt - i.e. guilt is real, not simply a feeling and we are either guilty (objectively) or we are ¹not. The real question is how do we process and respond to guilt feelings? 

It's not that there is good or bad guilt per se but rather a constructive (good) or a destructive (bad) response to it.

Destructive response

We beat ourselves up (shame ourselves) over it, which ironically is an attempt to minimize (downplay) the hurt we caused someone else in order to relieve our shame (our hurt) - i.e. this is a focus on us and not the injured party, where it should be. It is self-centered not other-focused. As a result, we attempt to defend our actions. 

Constructive response

When we immediately recognize and acknowledge the hurt we caused, ask forgiveness, and seek to restore the injured party whenever and wherever possible, as quickly as possible. This is the healthy and appropriate response.

"Now I am happy, not because you were made sad, but because your sorrow made you decide to change (constructive). That is what God wanted, so you were not hurt by us in any way.

The kind of sorrow God wants makes people decide to change their lives. This leads them to ²salvation (constructive), and we cannot be sorry for that. But the kind of sorrow the world has will bring death (destructive)." 2Co 7:9-10

How do we "do" good guilt and not bad? 

It's a matter of the heart. When we are secure in God's love and know all our guilt before God -- and the ultimate legal consequences of our hurtful behavior from God -- is already fully taken care of (satisfied, removed) we are free to more clearly see and admit the hurt we cause others and no longer seek or attempt to ease our sense of failure. 

This is not something we try to do it is something that simply happens when we fully recognize and know who we are in Christ i.e. fully loved, forgiven, and accepted vs shamed.

For a child of God, the question isn't if we are ever guilty of hurting others. We are all guilty of offenses and all of us are also offended. The only question is how we address that guilt; in a constructive or destructive way. Because of Christ, it can always be constructive if we receive and believe his offer. The more we do the more we are able to.

For more on God's remedy for offenses click here.
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¹some are surprised to know that guilt feelings do not necessarily involve actual guilt.

For more discussion on guilt, the following may be of interest...

Driven by guilt and shame

Feeling shame versus true guilt

²Paul is talking of salvation in the sense that good guilt leads to our turning away -- it delivers (saves) us -- from destructive behavior. It is constructive, practical deliverance from destructive behavior, not legal justification. This is not about being saved by works, it is about works that come forth because we are already freed of the just condemnation for harmful behavior.

Co-dependence

We hear a lot about co-dependence these days. But what exactly is it, what causes it and how does it work? 

A co-dependent relationship is a mutually accepted arrangement between two people to take or get from the other what they need i.e. a relationship where each party agrees to use the other to meet their needs (not necessarily ¹consciously or verbally, but often - if not always - an unspoken understanding/agreement). 

When there is "giving" it is not truly to give but is giving in order to ultimately get. It is based solely on getting by both party's not based on giving. It is a relationship based on mutual taking. 

Co-dependent relationships can and often do work for an extended time as long as circumstances are good, i.e. good money, good sex, mutual goals, pleasant circumstances, etc. When circumstances become hard, the underlying weakness of this type of relationship is brought to the surface and exposed.

Co-dependent relationships also become unglued and unravel when one party becomes healthy and the other doesn't. For these relationships to continue working well, each must remain unhealthy (i.e. co-dependent) and circumstances remain easy/comfortable.

Health vs co-dependence

Healthy relationships may look very similar on the outside to co-dependent ones but operate totally different "under the hood" (on the inside). The motive that drives and holds a healthy relationship together is completely different from an unhealthy one.

A healthy relationship is based on giving not getting. Because of this, it is virtually impossible to distinguish between a co-dependent relationship and a healthy relationship on the outside - though there are often red flags that give us a clue when a relationship is more co-dependent. Only as we become spiritually and emotionally whole/healthy are we able to more clearly see the difference (not necessarily or always with others, but more with ourselves).

All relationships may have some co-dependent elements mixed in. It depends on the individuals within the relationship. The healthier the individuals, the healthier and less co-dependent the relationship. Most relations are a mixture because few of us are completely whole/healthy spiritually and emotionally.

How do we become healthy? By looking to our Creator as we were designed to and deriving our sense of worth, value, and love from Him as our ²primary source. 

The greatest emotional health can only come through knowing we are perfectly and infinitely loved. And that can only occur by and through the Infinite Source of love - i.e. God - and ³not until then. 

The more we draw our sense of love and value from God in all his infinite love, the more whole/healthy we become.

For a further discussion of the necessity of trust in a healthy relationship, click here.

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Footnotes:

¹When Adam and Eve rebelled from their dependence on God, they cut themselves off from the only source of true life and love. As warned by God, the consequence of this was death. The essence of death was not only physical but no aspect of their existence was whole/connected/unified any longer. Not only was their relationship and connection with God severed, but unity with each other, the rest of creation and self as well. We experience this same disconnect to this day.  

One result of our disconnect with self is we no longer have a clear awareness of our heart and true motive for acting. We not only hide our true condition from God, but from ourselves as well as from each other.

The essence of death is separation from God, the source of life and love we were designed to operate in and by. This resulting in fragmentation of all other aspects of our existence. 

Without God, nothing works as originally designed. Everything is broken. In short, we are spiritually dead and therefore emotionally empty/ bankrupt; so much so that we are often in denial of this in our present condition.

We are so full of pain from the guilt and shame of our rebellion and subsequent failure to be who we were designed to be - i.e. recipients and conduits of God's love designed to love God with all we have and are and our neighbor as ourself - we are unable to acknowledge the depth of our brokenness; doing so is simply too painful and overwhelming. Only the love of God - His perfect acceptance and embrace of us as we are - can free us to take an honest look at our broken condition. 

When we come to trust Christ did everything necessary to remove our guilt before God and restore us back to the relation of infinite love we were originally designed for, only then are we able (feel safe enough) to acknowledge the extent of our brokenness to him and ourselves. We can only fully acknowledge our true condition in and through Christ.

For a further discussion on pain, click here.

For a further discussion on what it means to be broken click here. 

For a further discussion on the solution to guilt and shame click here.

For more posts discussing guilt and shame click here.

²God shows His love through others but that love will only be received as it should be when we recognize those who love well only do so because they have learned to receive God's love well. It is God Himself that they are indirectly experiencing through others. 

³Since the '60s when "free love" was heavily promoted and took a foothold in American culture, the cohesion of the family unit has deteriorated significantly in America.

Before then more kids grew up in a relatively stable and supportive family environment resulting in them feeling safer, more loved, nurtured, valued etc. (not necessarily because today's parents are unloving but because they were together and more unified in their commitment to the child and each other) which also gave the child a stronger sense of worth. This resulted in healthier individuals and less co-dependent relationships. 

The ultimate result of the breakdown of the family unit is that co-dependence is on the rise. The fruit of this is the rise of narcissistic self worship e.g. the age of the selfie and a major focus on loving ourselves.

The irony (silver lining to this cloud of dysfunction) is it is when we are weakest, at our worst, we are most likely to look to and appreciate God for help most. 

Driven by shame

Those who try to shame others into behaving the way they desire (i.e. to control them with shame) are themselves usually influenced or driven by shame (i.e. guilt feelings). We do who we are.

Why do most of us operate out of shame? 

The further away from God's ¹design we operate, the greater our guilt (real guilt vs guilt feelings). The greater our guilt feelings - i.e. sense of shame - the more it drives us and becomes our modus operandi -- the way we operate i.e. our actions are driven by guilt and shame instead of love as we were designed to operate.

Instead of seeking God to help us change the behavior that results in our shame, we often seek to get others to approve our behavior to find relief. We may not like the consequences of conduct that violates our design, but we like having no restrictions on our choices even less.

Because we are designed to ²give and receive love but cannot do so -- unless "plugged in" to the Source of love -- we never operate as we were designed, but are always operating with guilt and shame -- though we typically are not fully conscious of it unless some event triggers and surfaces it.

The more we operate out of shame the lower our sense of value/worth i.e. The more worthless we feel. This process often leads to depression and can ultimately lead to suicide if not addressed.

This is why we are constantly trying to do things to make us feel better about ourselves; to feel more important/ significant. We are in a constant state of pain and shame and always looking to relieve it.

As a result, we try to avoid things that make us feel worthless and cause shame -- like admitting we failed to accomplish a desired goal or are wrong when we mistreat others.

The only way to break free from this cycle of bondage, guilt, and shame is the grace of God -- the good news/gospel -- found in Jesus Christ alone.

For a further discussion of why we avoid the cause of guilt and shame click here.

For a further discussion of the cause and removal of guilt and shame click here.

For a discussion on the futility of engaging in guilt and shame click here and here.

For a discussion on our being designed for greatness/glory click here and here. 

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¹we are like God, designed for love. God is love, giving and receiving it back again. We need love (God); to receive it (Him) and reflect it to others and back to Him. We are most complete when we operate in this way - as we are designed to.

² "Positively" by outdoing/outperforming others. 

Negatively, by criticizing others to feel better about ourselves.

As God's rebellious image bearers, we run on empty (due to our rebellion) because we are disconnected from the Source of love. As a result, we attempt to get and take love instead of give and receive it as we were designed. At some level, we know this. For a further discussion on this point click here. 

I am putting "positively" in quotes because even though outdoing/outperforming others is considered constructive behavior, it is still behavior in an attempt to bolster our own sense of worth outside of God. This kind of behavior may be positive in the eyes of others but is contrary to who God designed us to be.

Jesus.. the only way?

Many are offended by Christ's claim to be the only way to God. They say this is ¹narrow-minded and there are many ways to God; that all religions are good and should...

 together.

Sounds reasonable... however, when you consider that every other "path to God" is an attempt to garner ¹God's acceptance and our alignment with Him through our efforts and goodness instead of receiving these as a gift, you understand what Christ offered is unique to every other religion or way or "path to God" i.e. in this very significant and specific way, Christ's offer is not the same as or equal to religion of any kind. Christ didn't simply claim to be unique, he did something unique. 

His claims weren't made out of thin air but are based on what he did and why He did it, as well as who he claimed to be. 

Included in this is His prediction of coming back to life. Only Christ resurrected and is alive today according to the gospel accounts. 

All religion is a prescription of practices or activities designed to align us with God and put us in good standing with Him or reach a state of "bliss." 

Christ, on the other hand, has done this for us and offers the fruit of his efforts - total acceptance now and bliss in eternity - as a gift to be received, not something to be achieved. 

All other "ways to God" are based on our efforts. Christ is the only way to God totally based on God's (through Christ's) efforts/works. No other "way" (or religious figure) makes this claim or offer. i.e. Christ's claim is not narrow per se, it's unique, one-of-a-kind. It is a gift from God when every other way is an achievement by us. 

Overall, these are two very different, diametrically opposed ways. We either are restored and united to God by our efforts - pick your religion - or solely by Christ's efforts. Every other way is based on the former, except Christ. Only Christ offers the latter. This distinction alone deserves our consideration for the validity of Christ's claim. 

A narrow or broad way?

Ironically, because it is a gift, it is actually not a narrow way but broad in that anyone who will come and receive his offer, can. No one is turned away who comes. If it were based on our efforts, some would have an ²advantage over others due to circumstances, upbringing, culture, abilities, etc -- not everyone would have the opportunity to obtain it since not all are equally "equipped" to do so.

Since Christ's offer (way) is based on Christ's efforts, we have a "level playing field"; everyone who accepts his offer will be given it, regardless of race, gender, intelligence, "breeding," talents, or geography. They are sure to be united to God and can know with absolute certainty they will be with him in bliss forever. 

This is why others can never claim to be the way to God but only a possible way - "hopefully" - but only if they meet the requirements. With Christ, everything needed to be restored and fully connected to God has been done for us. How much more generous and broad an offer can there be!? 

And this is why no other "remedy" works. Christ is the only true solution to our ³need/dilemma, we are not; religion is not. We can not deliver ourselves from our brokenness and shortcomings, but must be saved by another. Only Christ is that "other" since only Christ did what was ³necessary to restore us back to God. No other "religious" figure even attempted, much less accomplished, what Christ did. 

The true way to God is unique because it is absolutely certain to achieve its objective since it's based 100% on the perfectly completed efforts of Christ and not on our imperfect, erratic, and inconsistent efforts of living by some prescribed practice, ethic or teaching. 

The only question now is do we believe we can save ourselves by and through our own efforts or must we be delivered from the consequences of our shortcomings and given life by assigning someone else's (i.e. Jesus) righteous efforts to us since our good efforts can never be ³good enough to earn God's acceptance/approval. 

If you believe you can (or must) find God on your own, you will not only be offended by Christ and his claim of being the way to God but reject His offer that true life (nonstop/eternal life) is in and through him alone because only He did what was necessary to restore us.

This is good news only to those who recognize God and the fullness of the life he offers must be found outside of us/our efforts, not by or through them. 

For those who are counting on their own goodness/efforts, this is bad news, not good. It is even offensive to those who think their doing good at their religion (that often includes those who claim to be christians).

This is exactly why the religious leaders of Christ's day condemned and killed him. They refused to accept his claim and the reality that their way was inadequate and therefore off the mark. It could never perfectly align them with God i.e. Religion, no matter which one (including ⁴"Churchianity"), can and will restore us to God because it is based on our inconsistent, insufficient efforts. 

Christ claim to be the only way to God isn't intellectually offensive but spiritually offensive. The issue is pride not intellectual fairness.

Though every religion offers something of value that might benefit us, only a personal relationship with God, secured for us by Christ's perfect efforts, can restore and reconnect us to God.

"This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” - Acts 4:11-12

For a further discussion on why Christ is our only way to be in right standing with God click here

For a further discussion on our alienation from God and the solution, click here. 

For a further discussion on the difference between religion and Christ, click here. 

For a further discussion and what it means to be righteous click here

For a further discussion on why Christ is our only way to be in right standing with God click here

For a further discussion on our alienation from God and the solution, click here. 

For a further discussion on the difference between religion and Christ, click here. 

For a discussion on the meaning of the "broad and narrow way" click here. 

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Footnotes:

¹this is due in part because society at large has rejected the idea of absolute truth i.e. What you believe may be your truth, but it's not the truth since there is no absolute truth. Therefore "my truth" is just as valid as yours. And if no outside arbitrator with absolute knowledge and authority exists to settle the the dispute, this would be a fair and reasonable claim. But such a Being does exist. And this gets to the heart of the matter i.e. we wish to be our own god and refuse to submit to the one and only true God. 

²Or to use a heavily used word, some are born more "privileged" than others. Some are born into poverty or an environment of moral corruption or without a loving family network making it harder to live an honest or loving life. While others are born into a safe, loving, and secure (more privileged) environment.

³none of us honors God according to - in perfect alignment with - his infinite beauty, worth, and majesty i.e. our love for God is not equal to (match up with) the perfect loveliness of God. We all fall short of this i.e. his glory. 

Perfect love and loveliness - God's - can only be appropriately acknowledged by a perfect response i.e. perfect faithfulness on our part. God's perfection calls for and requires our perfection (i.e. perfect faithfulness). Because God is perfect in love, beauty, and majesty, anything less than perfect recognition of this, and total loyalty and faithfulness to him is inadequate.

(Christ alone was perfectly faithful, even to death, which is exactly why he alone is the way to God. He earned it when no one else could or did).

Why does this matter? To not live fully for God's infinite glory steers others away from Him (whether intentionally or not) i.e. it says to others there is something other than God more significant/valuable and worthy of our pursuit and loyalty when in reality there is not.

This not only dishonors God and his true worth and significance, but it's untrue because nothing is more important/vital/essential than God (anything else we pursue other than God only exists because of Him and is dependent on him for its ongoing existence). For us to live as if something other then God is more valuable, vital, and necessary ultimately leads others away from God (who alone is true life) resulting in their harm and ultimate destruction i.e. their missing true life which is only found in God. This harm/loss has eternal significance and consequence and must be remedied to restore honor/respect/dignify to those harmed (both God and our fellow image bearers). 

Since we couldn't resolve this, God (in and through Christ) did this for us and offers to us removal of the consequences of not living according to our design and restoring a relationship with him as a gift. Because of our less than perfect faithfulness to him, it is the only way we can be in good standing and have access to an unobscured love relationship with God.

⁴Many within the Christian church have turned the gospel of grace into a gospel of performance i.e. they try to earn God's love and acceptance through their "good deeds." This in effect says Christ and his efforts are not necessary or are inadequate. For more on this click here. 

Mankind...infinite or finite?

We all have the same basic dilemma. We are ¹finite yet infinite at the same time. 

How? We are ¹finite in resources yet infinite in ²need.

We are infinite in need because we are designed to participate, engage in and experience the ³infinite. 

To experience and appreciate the infinite as much as possible we had to have the capacity to experience it, without being God at the same time i.e. we have to have a capacity that matches or is equal to the infinite fullness of God. 

The greater our capacity the greater our potential to partake of and experience the infinite i.e. God who is infinite in every way - in love, wisdom, power, and goodness.

To meet an infinite need requires an infinite source. The only one who can meet this must be ³infinite.

This means we must also depend on someone or something outside ourselves that is infinite (an infinite source) in order for us to function ⁴optimally. 

This requires trust. Why?

We must trust because we are finite. i.e. We don't know nor can we see everything to be certain God is that source. He says He is and we have evidence He is but intially to act as if He is by faith. 

We also must trust someone who, unlike us, not only knows what is best for us and wants that for us but also has and can offer this to us without limits i.e. infinitely. God claims to be that someone and more. 

For a discussion on how to address the dilemma of our finite state 

click here, 

here and 

here.

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¹limited in ability/internal resources i.e. we are not all powerful, all knowing, everywhere present or all seeing.

²our need for value, meaning, purpose...in a word love.

³in value, purpose, beauty, love etc.

⁴as a bird can not function optimally without unlimited sky or a fish without unlimited water, neither can we without unlimited value, meaning, purpose, beauty etc i.e. love

Addressing fear

Some significant keys in addressing fear: 

• Shift your identity (your sense of who you are; your significance, importance, value, safety) from the approval of others and base it on God's glory i.e. your true identity is based on who God is (the supremely valuable and most glorious of all) and His assessment of you as his beloved, not the assessment/opinion, actions of others or even (and sometimes especially) your own self-assessment.

We are designed to live in honor of God, not to ¹protect ourselves (physically or emotionally) i.e. our design (and therefore our purpose) is to uphold God's honor, not our own. In so doing, God says he will honor us (which includes ultimately protecting us and providing what we ²need most, though not necessarily what we want most at the time).

"Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted..." – Jesus, Mat 23:12   

Our living for his glory impacts others.

The most important thing we can do is bring to others the most important "thing" i.e. our greatest accomplishment, value (and fulfillment) is in bringing awareness of God and his great worth to others. To do so leads them to life itself and it's Source i.e. God

If our conduct (vs our words) says God is most important to us, we are proposing by that conduct He should be most important to them as well. How we conduct our everyday lives will either indicate He is or isn't most important, worthy of their trust and commitment, not just ours.

• We must understand the real lack of control we have in order to learn to trust in God's providence/ sovereignty/control, i.e. God does, is, and will provide what we need most and what is best as we live to honor him. Seek 1st the Kingdom of God and all these other things will be added. 

• You ultimately combat fear through action, not reasoning/thinking, only i.e. taking action on what you fear instead of convincing yourself you have nothing to fear. Your mind (reasoning) is necessary to assess the best course of action, but once assessed, step forward in faith and act. 

Doing the thing you fear confirms the fear is often far worse than the reality. Knowing God is with you regardless sustains you. He will never forsake us no matter what we go through or how much it appears otherwise. We are assured of this because God's commitment to us is based on Christ's perfect efforts/work on our behalf, not our imperfect efforts.

For several posts discussing the significance of our being designed for God's glory, click here.

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¹This is not to say we are not to take reasonable steps to care for ourselves. This simply means self-protection is not our focus. God is. i.e. how do we best honor him in all we say and do. 

This may result in taking actions that seem risky to some, such as doing ministry in a hostile environment, e.g. foreign missions in a region opposed to Christ, etc. However, pursuing God in a hostile environment is safer than pursuing safety itself. Just read the book of Jonah.

²Sometimes what we need most is to have what we depend on most, other than God, removed from us. Dependence on anything other than or more than God keeps us from experiencing our greatest good and joy, i.e. God himself.

man...saint and sinner

Have you ever wondered how we humans have such a great capacity for both harm and good at the same time? Humanity has these two very opposite and contradictory characteristics. This is not only addressed in the Bible but observable in human behavior (ourselves and others) now and throughout history.

Among humanity, we have observed, appreciated, and enjoyed the Michel Angelo's, Leonardo da Vinci's, Mother Teresa's, and Johann Sebastian Bach's of the world while at the same time being appalled at the ¹Stalin's, Hitler's, and Mao Zedong's of the world. We have observed man expressing the greatest beauty and kindness, while at the same time the greatest cruelty and destruction. How can such a great capacity for good and evil reside within the same being?

Humanity was designed to enjoy the greatest bliss possible through a relationship with the most blissful, magnificent, and ultimate being in the universe. But we seek to be our own god. In effect, this is to reject a relationship with this glorious being since He alone is God. We have cut ourselves off from the very source of life, love, purpose, and meaning. As a result, humanity no longer functions as God designed and intended.

Now we seek to fill the void that resulted from this disconnect by anything within our grasp, be it our natural gifts, power, wealth, fame, or pleasure …²fill in the blank. Mankind has an endless and insatiable need to feel significant, important, valuable, worthwhile ... loved. God ³created us this way. Not with a void -- that was our doing -- but with the capacity and desire to participate in the one who is infinite love, wisdom, majesty, and beauty.

When you combine

*great skill, ability, and talent -- all aspects of our being in God's image

 
*and great resources -- i.e. the incredible world with everything in it that God made, including other image-bearers with great ability and similar resources

 
*with the great void of God's absence, you have a formula for the greatest potential destruction.

The greater the vacuum in us for life, the greater the energy needed and exerted to fill it. And what would create a greater void than the absence of the very Source of infinite life, love, and all things?

Some seek to fill this by exerting power and control over others and some with power and control over the creation in general.

When men and women, however, are connected to the Source of life, love, meaning, and purpose, their God-given creativity and abilities are engaged and shine forth for great good, beauty, and joy. In short, they become conduits of the goodness and love of God, instead of emotional and spiritual black holes sucking in and destroying everything in their path.

They become fountains for good because they are filled with the good of the Creator or they become agents of evil to fill the infinite void of God's absence, the unending and inexhaustible source of life.

For a further discussion of what we are created for click here. 

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¹Number killed under the following according to http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/182h4jpdfjpaijpg/original.jpg

Stalin - 23 million
Hitler - 17 million
Mao - 78 million

²Man even uses attempts at "obedience" to win God's favor in order to feel significant and accepted by him. This is true of any religious system, be that so-called Christianity, Islam, or anything else.

I say so-called because true Christianity is CHRISTianity. It is about Christ's efforts on our behalf, not our efforts to win the favor of God and others. It's about knowing God's bottomless love for us, secured by Christ's efforts, and driven by His infinite love.

³God is the only endless and infinite source of love, life, beauty, joy, etc. For us to participate and enjoy him as he is, required us to have a capacity equal to God's infinite fullness, or at least as great a capacity as possible without us actually being God ourselves. Imagine how great a void there must be to have such a infinite capacity and be absent that which it was created to be filled with.