Don't be surprised by suffering

If God is good, why does He allow evil (pain and suffering)? This is the age-old question and the reason many give for why they don't trust God.

But could it be that God allows and seeks to use our pain to humble us so ¹we might see that life can not and does not work without Him? Could the reason for pain and suffering be this simple and come with such loving intentions?

What most do not consider is pain and suffering are the eventual outcomes and natural consequences of ²arrogant independence i.e. the belief that ¹we can make life work without acknowledging the Creator of it; that we can extract what we need from creation that which we long for most.

But pain can also become the ³means by which God humbles us, if we let it. Evil itself is bad but humility and whatever is needed to humble ¹us and draw us closer to God is good, not bad (though often unpleasant). A seeming contradiction?

Our inability to find true and lasting life and love outside of God - a very painful and humbling realization - can direct us back to Him. But only if we turn from our arrogant and stubborn belief that we can obtain these without Him. If we persist in our unbelief, the painful consequences of this rebellious distrust of God - i.e. the evil and harm it brings on us and others - are not His fault, but our choice. 

We rarely grasp the far-reaching significance or impact of our rebellious distrust of God - i.e. how harmful and destructive it truly is to ourselves and others - until we experience the pain this distrust causes. And even then, we rarely recognize the true reason we experience it. 

The fact that we are surprised, put off, offended or upset with God by pain and suffering (evil) is proof of how little we understand the far-reaching impact and severe consequences of our distrust of God.

The suffering caused by evil should not surprise us. It is the natural outcome of believing we can make life work without God when all the pain it causes tells us otherwise. 

Believing we can make life work without God is a lie. Life only works as God intends when we are in perfect alignment and union with God our Creator - the source of life, love, and all things - in whose image we were created. If we truly understood how essential He is, we would not be surprised at all by the pain ¹we experience by not being aligned and in tune with the very Source of life.

We all have the capacity to see far more than we now see about God, ourselves, and life (such as how much pain and suffering our unbelief causes). The only thing blocking us from seeing more clearly is our lack of humility - refusing to acknowledge our need for and dependence on God for all we have and are. 

For a further discussion of how God uses evil for our good click here...and here.

The greater the evil the greater the opportunity for healing/grace click here.

For a discussion on the key lesson from the book of Job, click here.

For a discussion on the value of paradox, click here.

For a discussion of how big God is click here

For a discussion on the necessity of humility, click here.

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Footnotes:

¹I'm not saying that our individual pain and suffering is necessarily because of anything specific we haven't or have done. I'm referring to the pain and suffering the world experiences in general. Certainly, there often are negative consequences for our individual poor choices, but humanity in general suffers from being in a broken world because of the world's collective rebellion toward God. And even if our suffering is a direct result of individual poor choices, the remedy is not guilt and shame but humility i.e. increased recognition of our dependence on God. That we can't get from life what we ultimately need apart from Him. 

There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. All things work for the good of those who love God. 

 

²Even suicide is an act of arrogant distrust of God. Someone ends their life because they believe it is not worth living. Yet they don't consider the foundational reason they are in despair is the absence of God i.e. their lack of trust in God and His wisdom and love in allowing pain (the organic and rightful consequences of unbelief) to continue.

³God is so wise, powerful, and good, that he even uses evil for good - even though evil is still bad. Only He can. But we will never see or understand this if we do not trust Him. 

"Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! 

“For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?” “Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?” For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen." Rom.11.33-36

For a more in-depth look at Rom 11:33-36, click here. 

Two vital truths in pursuing God

Knowing the following truths is essential for our spiritual advancement.

1. Our utter inability and failure to consistently live according to God's perfect design and will.

2. God's perfect love, acceptance, and embrace of us because of Christ, regardless of our failures to do the above.

To see the importance of pursuing God, we must understand the following:

1. The ²negative impact on us and others of not pursuing God.

while also fully understanding

2. God's perfect and total acceptance and embrace of us (if we are in Christ), regardless of our failures, circumstances, or indifference.

The first does not cancel out the second.

The first is about understanding our design as creatures in our Creator's image and the significance of not living according to His design. It is understanding 

*why we are here 

*what our purpose is and

*respecting (fearing) God's commitment to conform us to His purpose and design - for our greatest good and His highest glory 

*the consequences if we refuse to conform. 

The second

Is the good news of God's perfect acceptance and embrace of us and His perfect commitment of unrelenting love toward us 

- because of Christ's efforts and performance to perfectly honor God 

- regardless of our failure to conform to His designs and our lack of honoring Him i.e. God's acceptance of us is not based on our efforts but Christ's.

These 2 realities of God's perfect standard and perfect acceptance are always in tension (and appear to be at odds). Yet knowing both are absolutely and equally vital to truly knowing and fully experiencing God and all ³the good He desires for us as bearers of His image. 

We must constantly and deliberately seek to keep both of these in view and in balance.

If we are struggling with guilt and shame over our failures and shortcomings, we must contemplate God's infinite love and perfect acceptance of us in Christ and that He uses even our failures to bring about His ultimate purpose and perfect design for us.

If we are indifferent to faithfully pursuing God, we must contemplate God's relentless commitment to conforming us to His image (design) for our highest good and His greatest glory. We must remind ourselves of the positive results of our conformity and the negative consequences if we don't conform i.e. we reap what we sow, both good and bad.

Both are vital in our pursuit of God and equally true as if the other were not true.

For a further discussion on the consequences of not conforming to God's design click here

For a further discussion on being perfectly freed from our internal and external struggles click here.

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²this is because God designed us to be in alignment with him, with who He is and what He desires (wills). If and when we are not, we are not all we are meant (designed) to be i.e. we do not bring God his rightfully due honor or function to the maximum of our potential but break down or short circuit.

³good but not necessarily easy.

Why should we avoid sin

Should we avoid wrongdoing? Yes, and no. No!?

As God's child, we are not to avoid harmful behavior (sin) because of guilt, shame, threat of judgment, or fear of punishment. Why? Because Christ ¹already addressed these fully and perfectly!

Also, note, that in those situations, the focus of guilt and shame is usually not about others but ourselves, i.e. my guilt and my shame, etc. It isn't on how I am hurting others, but on how guilt and shame affect me.

Then why should we avoid wrongdoing?

Because it's incredibly harmful and destructive to others, not just ourselves. (This is primarily about others, not just us - God first and loving our neighbor as we love ourselves). 

Harmful (wrong) behavior cuts us off from the source of our spiritual and emotional development, violates our design, and prevents us from reaching our greatest potential, thereby dishonoring our Creator and Designer, others, as well as ourselves.

It would be equivalent to a child growing up severely malnourished, resulting in them wearing leg braces or needing a special needs education when genetically he or she had the initial capacity of being an Olympian or great inventor.

Wrong, harmful behavior (sin) no longer matters when it comes to our good standing - legal status - before God or his perfect and total acceptance of us but it matters dramatically when it comes to our being all we were created to be for God and our neighbor.

And because it no longer affects our good standing (legal status) before God, this frees us to focus on being all God designed us to be out of love for and trust in Him. Understanding this is absolutely essential to living for God as He intends us to - out of love and trust, not guilt and shame.

God's total acceptance, love and embrace of us - because of Christ's efforts - is the spiritual and emotional nourishment we need and must have to thrive, flourish, and be all God designed us to be.

This is the essence of Paul's words in Rome 8:1-4:

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death (i.e. guilt, shame, and condemnation). For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit."

To the woman caught in adultery...

Jesus stood up and said, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.” - Jn 8:10‭-‬11

Though Christ clearly forgave her, it was also clear that he wanted her to abandon a life of destructive behavior (to others as well as herself); not to make her more acceptable to God but because he had already fully accepted (forgiven) her and desired her best, i.e. he loved her.

We are to avoid wrong behavior because we love Him who loved us first.

For a further discussion of the full extent of our forgiveness and God's love, click here.

For a discussion on the righteousness of Christ assigned to us, click here

For a discussion on guilt feelings versus actual guilt, click here

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¹To live in guilt and shame for our wrong doing and bad choices is saying Christ's work on our behalf did not adequately address these. This is an insult to Christ's work for us which dishonors him.

Righteousness vs shame

Righteousness is a dirty word for many today. In the minds of more than a few, it suggests someone who is self-righteous or hypocritical. This is justifiably unappealing to anyone. 

However, the Bible offers a very different definition. 

Righteousness means to be and feel presentable, acceptable i.e. right. To pass inspection and be approved and found acceptable and in right relationship with another, even pleasing in the eyes of someone I wish or seek to please. 

We want to be approved by someone we value and even more so by someone whose opinion we value most; someone who is ¹highly valuable themselves that we highly regard or value. The more important they are to us and others the more significant their approval.

We all desire to be well-pleasing - approved, accepted, praised, and impressive in the eyes of another. 

Shame is feeling just the opposite - it is feeling rejected,  unacceptable, unapproved, and insignificant.

Prior to the rebellion in Eden, there was no shame, i.e. No sense of being unacceptable or unpresentable; of not feeling or being right. We were totally comfortable being uncovered with nothing hidden - not just physically, but in every way. (Hiding indicates guilt and shame. Before the rebellion in the garden, there was neither). We felt no need to hide or cover anything, particularly failure since there had been none.

And the man and his wife were both naked and ⁵were not ashamed.  Genesis 2:25 ESV

Why does shame matter? 

Ever since the rebellion of our original parents in Eden we have been under the burden of a deeply buried sense of shame from failure. This sense of shame (failure) has a very powerful hold and control over us. So much so that Adam and Eve felt compelled to hide - to cover themselves in an attempt to hide their failure to heed God's directions and its resulting shame. 

Since the original rebellion of Adam, we are now filled with shame because of alienation from (and absence of) our Creator - the true and rightful source of our significance and value. 

We severed our connection with God (and our sense of His acceptance and approval) by turning away from Him and refusing to heed his warning to not eat from the forbidden tree. 

As a result, we had to be removed from the garden - i.e. paradise, home - so we could no longer eat of the tree of life while ²in this state of rebellion. This would have allowed us to live indefinitely without having to deal with and face the consequences of our rebellion. This is contrary to who we truly are - i.e. creatures designed to be in harmony with their Creator and willingly participating and experiencing life with and in God. Their choice severed their relationship with our Creator.

Ever since our rebellion we have also longed to be restored and return to Eden; to be welcomed again; to be complete again; to have peace and contentment again; to be filled with love and joy without interruption again - as we were originally and are still designed to be now. 

We long to be "home" i.e. in a place where we feel we belong and are safe. A place where we are welcomed, held, and cherished.

But we want this on our terms, not the terms we were designed to live under. We have rebelled and continue to rebel against God and our design. We now refuse to trust Him and seek Him to fill this longing for "home."  We seek "home" anywhere and in anything other than God.

Our rebellion may not be conscious on our part but every time we look to anything other than God for our sense of value, it is an act of rebellion, i.e. distrust of God. We put our trust in anything but God - who alone can give us our true sense of value (glory) - and look anywhere except to Him for life - i.e. for meaning, significance, purpose, value, identity, fulfillment, glory etc. This is now our default response on how we handle life (until God gets hold of our hearts). It is a response of rebellious distrust of God.

We may not feel or be fully aware of the depth of our shame, but we are often keenly aware of a need for approval or praise - or when we are disapproved of or rejected i.e. shamed. At the heart of our need for approval and praise is a sense of shame and a desire to avoid it at all costs. 

We always carry with us a sense of rejection (and a fear that our shame can't be fixed if our failures are ever exposed), a sense of restlessness, of being out of the environment we were meant to be in, of being "away from home." 

Our need to constantly be affirmed (and prove) we are significant, important, and loved - i.e. worthy of these - is because we don't feel we are but should be. ³We are in a constant state of shame, no matter how deeply buried it may be or how unconscious we are of it. 

We may feel good about ourselves in our best moments, but as soon as we mess up - or are simply accused of messing up, the shame - ever lurking under the surface - rushes to the top and rears its ugly head. 

Our failures are devastating because we depend on our successes to feel significant, accepted, and loved - i.e. to feel good about ourselves - instead of looking to God for these things.

Once we get a hold of the fact that we are significant, accepted, and fully loved in Christ, these failures and the fear of them being seen have far less sway over us. The more we believe (abide) in God's love, the less our shame or fears control us and the more we operate from love for God and others. Shame is all about me. Love is about others. 

In Christ, we are free from the need to be approved by others - or even ourselves. As we more fully grasp that we are ⁴approved by the most significant person of all - the very Creator and Sustainer of life and all things - we are increasingly freed from trying to win the approval of others. If He is for us, then who (including ourselves) can be against us?

God constantly seeks to reveal to us how much we depend on something other than him for life (feeling accepted,  loved, and approved). This occurs most often in our pain and struggles. He seeks to strip away our ⁶idols and draw us closer to Him (which usually feels more like death at the time, not a means to life). He is always calling us closer because he knows in Him alone is true and eternal life i.e. to draw us closer is not only for his greater glory but our highest good - our best interest. 

The maturing process is increasingly turning away from those things we derive our worth (and identity) from and more to Him. God is constantly seeking to help us see that finding life - i.e. a sense of value, meaning, and significance - is only in Him and not the other things we look to and have grown to count and depend on. 

As we mature we come to see – by God's love and Spirit - how much we look to ⁶everything but Him for “life.” 

The only question is will you return to him? Christ has done all that is necessary for you to be perfectly accepted and fully embraced by His Father. It is up to us now to receive (believe) this (His) offer. To not, is to continue on our current path, rejecting His offer and Him i.e. to continue on our path of shame and destruction. 

For a discussion on the meaning of life, click here. 

For a discussion on pleasing God, click here

For a discussion on good and bad self-confidence, click here. 

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¹And who is greater, more significant, more valuable and worthy of our respect, honor, and worship then the Creator and Sustainer of love, life, and all things? No one and nothing! For from him through him and to him or all things!

²To continue living in a state of rebellion unchecked by death, only results in increasing destruction by us. 

³I am speaking of humanity in general when in a state of separation from God. We can be and are freed of these things the more we understand, receive and partake of the love of God.

⁴And not only are we approved by the Creator of all things - the most significant person in the universe - but this same person provided for us all that was necessary for that approval. This in great part is why He is so significant.

⁵God's description of us just before we rebelled.

⁶ An idol is anything we value more than God. 

⁷To get an idea of our shame consider having your private thought's or actions played out and posted to a YouTube channel the entire world is subscribed to. Thoughts or acts of anger, lust, fear, disloyalty, lying and hatred and so on we might engage in over the course of a several days. 

Would we be proud of everything revealed or embarrassed to show our face in public? Would people want to embrace us or avoid us after watching? To avoid shame we may go as far as saying any rejection we experience is the fault of others, not our own.

condemnation removed - righteousness assigned

We have two subtle and deeply embedded needs. We need relief from guilt, shame, and a sense of failure. We also need to know we are valuable, significant, worthwhile. The former removes something bad from us, and the latter asserts or gains something good for us. 

Though these are separate needs, they are connected. The former (guilt/shame/failure) eats away and diminishes our sense of the latter (value/significant/worth). To fail at a task is to feel worthless; a loser as they say. *Guilt and a sense of worthlessness are directly tied together. 

When we speak of Christ's work for us, we usually focus on the former - God's removal of the just condemnation for our **rebellion. Our greater awareness of this need, more than the need for a sense of value, maybe due to our constant and deeply embedded feelings of guilt and shame. Being ***relieved of pain (shame) can feel more urgent than gaining something we strongly desire (importance) e.g. We are not going to be concerned about our appearance or achievements right after dropping a large rock on our toe. 

For this reason, the need for being valued and significant is not often thought about when we consider all that Christ offers us but is at least equal to, if not more important when it comes to our long-term faithfulness to God. 

Christ lived a life of perfect faithfulness (obedience) to His Father - never-failing and always succeeding - to the point of feeling abandoned by His Father and enduring the most shameful death. This perfect life of faithful obedience is now fully assigned-credited to us as if we lived His life of perfect faithfulness if we accept his offer. When we do we are viewed by God as perfect in our faithfulness - even though we are far from it. 

We are now equally admirable and loved by the Father as Jesus is. This isn't a feeling, it's an objective reality. It is how God sees us if we are in Christ. 

John 15:9 as the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love.

How would we describe the Father's love for His Son? Whatever way we describe it, it is the same love the Son has for us. This kind of love is not possible unless we are perfect in God's eyes. A perfection lived out by Christ and fully assigned-credited to us. Just as Christ was treated as the rebels we are - wholly condemned - we are now seen as a perfect and complete success the same way Christ is - wholly accepted and approved of. 

For an extended discussion of our guilt and shame, click here and here.

For a further discussion on being hard-wired for greatness, click here. 

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*Depression is the result of a deep sense of failure and guilt, leading to a feeling of worthlessness. If this is left unaddressed, it can lead to suicide.

**i.e. Our rebellious distrust of God. Distrust leads to unfaithfulness in giving God his rightful and due recognition as the one and only all-glorious God worthy of all thanks.

***The most successful people in business I have known over the years said they were driven far more by fear of loss than a desire for gain. 

Good or bad guilt?

Are there different kinds of guilt? Can there be good and bad guilt? 

Most of us experience guilt feelings whenever we hurt or damage someone (intentionally or not) in some way and even more so if we are called out on it by others or even ourselves.

But how should we respond when this happens? 

I would suggest guilt is guilt - i.e. guilt is real, not simply a feeling and we are either guilty (objectively) or we are ¹not. The real question is how do we process and respond to guilt feelings? 

It's not that there is good or bad guilt per se but rather a constructive (good) or a destructive (bad) response to it.

Destructive response

We beat ourselves up (shame ourselves) over it, which ironically is an attempt to minimize (downplay) the hurt we caused someone else in order to relieve our shame (our hurt) - i.e. this is a focus on us and not the injured party, where it should be. It is self-centered not other-focused. As a result, we attempt to defend our actions. 

Constructive response

When we immediately recognize and acknowledge the hurt we caused, ask forgiveness, and seek to restore the injured party whenever and wherever possible, as quickly as possible. This is the healthy and appropriate response.

"Now I am happy, not because you were made sad, but because your sorrow made you decide to change (constructive). That is what God wanted, so you were not hurt by us in any way.

The kind of sorrow God wants makes people decide to change their lives. This leads them to ²salvation (constructive), and we cannot be sorry for that. But the kind of sorrow the world has will bring death (destructive)." 2Co 7:9-10

How do we "do" good guilt and not bad? 

It's a matter of the heart. When we are secure in God's love and know all our guilt before God -- and the ultimate legal consequences of our hurtful behavior from God -- is already fully taken care of (satisfied, removed) we are free to more clearly see and admit the hurt we cause others and no longer seek or attempt to ease our sense of failure. 

This is not something we try to do it is something that simply happens when we fully recognize and know who we are in Christ i.e. fully loved, forgiven, and accepted vs shamed.

For a child of God, the question isn't if we are ever guilty of hurting others. We are all guilty of offenses and all of us are also offended. The only question is how we address that guilt; in a constructive or destructive way. Because of Christ, it can always be constructive if we receive and believe his offer. The more we do the more we are able to.

For more on God's remedy for offenses click here.
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¹some are surprised to know that guilt feelings do not necessarily involve actual guilt.

For more discussion on guilt, the following may be of interest...

Driven by guilt and shame

Feeling shame versus true guilt

²Paul is talking of salvation in the sense that good guilt leads to our turning away -- it delivers (saves) us -- from destructive behavior. It is constructive, practical deliverance from destructive behavior, not legal justification. This is not about being saved by works, it is about works that come forth because we are already freed of the just condemnation for harmful behavior.

Co-dependence

We hear a lot about co-dependence these days. But what exactly is it, what causes it and how does it work? 

A co-dependent relationship is a mutually accepted arrangement between two people to take or get from the other what they need i.e. a relationship where each party agrees to use the other to meet their needs (not necessarily ¹consciously or verbally, but often - if not always - an unspoken understanding/agreement). 

When there is "giving" it is not truly to give but is giving in order to ultimately get. It is based solely on getting by both party's not based on giving. It is a relationship based on mutual taking. 

Co-dependent relationships can and often do work for an extended time as long as circumstances are good, i.e. good money, good sex, mutual goals, pleasant circumstances, etc. When circumstances become hard, the underlying weakness of this type of relationship is brought to the surface and exposed.

Co-dependent relationships also become unglued and unravel when one party becomes healthy and the other doesn't. For these relationships to continue working well, each must remain unhealthy (i.e. co-dependent) and circumstances remain easy/comfortable.

Health vs co-dependence

Healthy relationships may look very similar on the outside to co-dependent ones but operate totally different "under the hood" (on the inside). The motive that drives and holds a healthy relationship together is completely different from an unhealthy one.

A healthy relationship is based on giving not getting. Because of this, it is virtually impossible to distinguish between a co-dependent relationship and a healthy relationship on the outside - though there are often red flags that give us a clue when a relationship is more co-dependent. Only as we become spiritually and emotionally whole/healthy are we able to more clearly see the difference (not necessarily or always with others, but more with ourselves).

All relationships may have some co-dependent elements mixed in. It depends on the individuals within the relationship. The healthier the individuals, the healthier and less co-dependent the relationship. Most relations are a mixture because few of us are completely whole/healthy spiritually and emotionally.

How do we become healthy? By looking to our Creator as we were designed to and deriving our sense of worth, value, and love from Him as our ²primary source. 

The greatest emotional health can only come through knowing we are perfectly and infinitely loved. And that can only occur by and through the Infinite Source of love - i.e. God - and ³not until then. 

The more we draw our sense of love and value from God in all his infinite love, the more whole/healthy we become.

For a further discussion of the necessity of trust in a healthy relationship, click here.

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Footnotes:

¹When Adam and Eve rebelled from their dependence on God, they cut themselves off from the only source of true life and love. As warned by God, the consequence of this was death. The essence of death was not only physical but no aspect of their existence was whole/connected/unified any longer. Not only was their relationship and connection with God severed, but unity with each other, the rest of creation and self as well. We experience this same disconnect to this day.  

One result of our disconnect with self is we no longer have a clear awareness of our heart and true motive for acting. We not only hide our true condition from God, but from ourselves as well as from each other.

The essence of death is separation from God, the source of life and love we were designed to operate in and by. This resulting in fragmentation of all other aspects of our existence. 

Without God, nothing works as originally designed. Everything is broken. In short, we are spiritually dead and therefore emotionally empty/ bankrupt; so much so that we are often in denial of this in our present condition.

We are so full of pain from the guilt and shame of our rebellion and subsequent failure to be who we were designed to be - i.e. recipients and conduits of God's love designed to love God with all we have and are and our neighbor as ourself - we are unable to acknowledge the depth of our brokenness; doing so is simply too painful and overwhelming. Only the love of God - His perfect acceptance and embrace of us as we are - can free us to take an honest look at our broken condition. 

When we come to trust Christ did everything necessary to remove our guilt before God and restore us back to the relation of infinite love we were originally designed for, only then are we able (feel safe enough) to acknowledge the extent of our brokenness to him and ourselves. We can only fully acknowledge our true condition in and through Christ.

For a further discussion on pain, click here.

For a further discussion on what it means to be broken click here. 

For a further discussion on the solution to guilt and shame click here.

For more posts discussing guilt and shame click here.

²God shows His love through others but that love will only be received as it should be when we recognize those who love well only do so because they have learned to receive God's love well. It is God Himself that they are indirectly experiencing through others. 

³Since the '60s when "free love" was heavily promoted and took a foothold in American culture, the cohesion of the family unit has deteriorated significantly in America.

Before then more kids grew up in a relatively stable and supportive family environment resulting in them feeling safer, more loved, nurtured, valued etc. (not necessarily because today's parents are unloving but because they were together and more unified in their commitment to the child and each other) which also gave the child a stronger sense of worth. This resulted in healthier individuals and less co-dependent relationships. 

The ultimate result of the breakdown of the family unit is that co-dependence is on the rise. The fruit of this is the rise of narcissistic self worship e.g. the age of the selfie and a major focus on loving ourselves.

The irony (silver lining to this cloud of dysfunction) is it is when we are weakest, at our worst, we are most likely to look to and appreciate God for help most. 

Driven by shame

Those who try to shame others into behaving the way they desire (i.e. to control them with shame) are themselves usually influenced or driven by shame (i.e. guilt feelings). We do who we are.

Why do most of us operate out of shame? 

The further away from God's ¹design we operate, the greater our guilt (real guilt vs guilt feelings). The greater our guilt feelings - i.e. sense of shame - the more it drives us and becomes our modus operandi -- the way we operate i.e. our actions are driven by guilt and shame instead of love as we were designed to operate.

Instead of seeking God to help us change the behavior that results in our shame, we often seek to get others to approve our behavior to find relief. We may not like the consequences of conduct that violates our design, but we like having no restrictions on our choices even less.

Because we are designed to ²give and receive love but cannot do so -- unless "plugged in" to the Source of love -- we never operate as we were designed, but are always operating with guilt and shame -- though we typically are not fully conscious of it unless some event triggers and surfaces it.

The more we operate out of shame the lower our sense of value/worth i.e. The more worthless we feel. This process often leads to depression and can ultimately lead to suicide if not addressed.

This is why we are constantly trying to do things to make us feel better about ourselves; to feel more important/ significant. We are in a constant state of pain and shame and always looking to relieve it.

As a result, we try to avoid things that make us feel worthless and cause shame -- like admitting we failed to accomplish a desired goal or are wrong when we mistreat others.

The only way to break free from this cycle of bondage, guilt, and shame is the grace of God -- the good news/gospel -- found in Jesus Christ alone.

For a further discussion of why we avoid the cause of guilt and shame click here.

For a further discussion of the cause and removal of guilt and shame click here.

For a discussion on the futility of engaging in guilt and shame click here and here.

For a discussion on our being designed for greatness/glory click here and here. 

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¹we are like God, designed for love. God is love, giving and receiving it back again. We need love (God); to receive it (Him) and reflect it to others and back to Him. We are most complete when we operate in this way - as we are designed to.

² "Positively" by outdoing/outperforming others. 

Negatively, by criticizing others to feel better about ourselves.

As God's rebellious image bearers, we run on empty (due to our rebellion) because we are disconnected from the Source of love. As a result, we attempt to get and take love instead of give and receive it as we were designed. At some level, we know this. For a further discussion on this point click here. 

I am putting "positively" in quotes because even though outdoing/outperforming others is considered constructive behavior, it is still behavior in an attempt to bolster our own sense of worth outside of God. This kind of behavior may be positive in the eyes of others but is contrary to who God designed us to be.

using evil for good

As we mature and our trust in God grows, we discover that pain is maybe the primary means of getting to know God, be that self-imposed by chosing self-denial - i.e. taking up our cross and following Christ - or imposed on us through circumstances outside our control/choice. 

Through our pain and struggle, we find we must grow deeper roots in God in order to weather life's storms and overcome its challenges. We come to see our pain and struggles are used - even designed - to aid us in developing a stronger connection with God so we might ¹know and experience him who is love and life itself, more fully. The bigger the challenges are and the stronger the winds of life blow, the deeper our roots into God must grow to anchor us. This is not necessarily a fun process but it is a good one and ultimately in our best interest.

The more we see (believe/trust) this the more ²thankful we become in and even for our pain. To embrace pain in ³this way becomes the means by which we are able to more wholly embrace God.

Pain is bad

Ironically pain, in itself, is not good. It is the fruit of our rebellion. When Adam and Eve chose to be their own god, they rejected the only true God, resulting in their separation from him and ⁸loss of their continued participation in his unobstructed love and presence. Everything came "unglued" afterward. Thorns and thistles now existed in working the ground, causing pain and hindering our effort to be fruitful/productive - pain in childbirth - decay, death and destruction - alienation from ourselves (guilt and shame), each other through offences and unforgiveness and most importantly from God himself.

We get further indication of the destructive nature of evil if you look at the definition in the OT hebrew... 

H7451b  רַע - ra (948c); from the same as H7455; evil, distress, misery, injury, calamity: — adversity (7), calamity (4), disaster (2), evil (94), harm (2), harmful (1), hurt (1), ruin (3), surely (1), trouble (2), unpleasant (1), wickedly (1), wickedness (1).

Knowledge of good and evil

The following are key passages in Genesis using the word for evil (H7451b); all dealing with "the knowledge of good and evil" except Gen 31 which instead translates the word as "harm." There is clearly a direct connection between harm (suffering) and evil. To say it another way, that which causes harm/injury is evil and evil always causes harm/injury in some form or fashion i.e. either physically, emotionally or spiritually.

Gen_2:9  Out of the ground the LORD God caused to grow every tree that is pleasing to the sight and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil^H7451b.

Gen_2:17  but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil^H7451b you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die." 

Gen_3:5  "For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be ⁴like God, knowing good and evil^H7451b."

Gen_3:22  Then the LORD God said, "Behold, the man has become ⁵like one of Us, knowing good and evil^H7451b; and now, he might stretch out his hand, and take also from the tree of life, and eat, and live forever"—

Gen 31:29  "It is in my power to do you harm^H7451b, but the God of your father spoke to me last night, saying, 'Be careful not to speak either good or bad to Jacob.' 

Simply stated, pain in itself is not good but evil and was not part of God's original creation. It causes destruction and harm due to our disconnect from God and his presence. If it were part of his ongoing design God would allow it to ⁴continue instead of do away with it all together one day.

So how can something evil be used for good? 

Even though pain in itself is not good but bad (evil), causing harm/injury, it becomes the means of appreciating the good that is God i.e. the greater the absence of good, the greater the ⁶appreciation of its presence. As an old saying goes, the negative accentuates the positive. Evil/harm/pain reveals to us the desperation and injury that occurs from the absence of God thereby increasing our appreciation for the presence of God and all the good that flows from him. 

Though directly, evil is bad, indirectly it is good. Or to say it more precisely, it is the means by which God brings about our ultimate good i.e. our discovering and experiencing more of God, who is our ultimate good. But it does so indirectly, by being contrasted with good i.e. our appreciation for good is enhanced by experiencing the absence of good i.e. by experiencing harm/evil. Experiencing bad enables us to better appreciate its opposite.

The good news is evil does not thwart the good purposes of God but actually becomes a tool in his hands to help us see our need for him and bring us closer to him. It is the ongoing means of drawing us ever nearer to him if we let it. 

To say it simply, God is bigger than evil and uses evil for good, our good. The most dramatic example of this is recorded in Act 2:23  

"...this Jesus, delivered up according to the definite plan and foreknowledge of God, you crucified and killed by the hands of lawless men..."

The highest purpose of God - revealing his infinite glory in sending Christ and restoring rebellious men and women to himself - was accomplished by means of the hands of lawless (evil or wicked in many translations) men. Consider this for a moment. The greatest good was accomplished by means of the greatest evil. When we "get" this, it shifts our entire view of suffering and life.

As Joseph said to his brothers who sold him into slavery - clearly an act of revenge and evil - "you ⁷meant it for evil (harm) but God meant it for good."

God is in perfect control and accomplishing his perfect plan even (maybe especially) through evil. 

For a further discussion of how we are in a constant state of pain click here.

For a further discussion of how God uses evil for our good click here...and here.

The greater the evil the greater the opportunity for healing/grace click here.

For a further discussion of the significance of paradox click here.

Were Calvin and Arminius both wrong? Click here.

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¹The exact opposite of what we normally think. Normally, when we go through great pain we think God has abandoned us. He no longer cares or loves us. When in fact he loves us so much he desires we experience his love to even greater degrees and knows that is often best accomplished through pain. Pain causes us to press into him and his love more fully, which is ultimately for our greatest good because God himself is our greatest good i.e. our knowing and being in union with him is far more beneficial than immediate relief from pain or avoiding it all together. One day when we are fully in God's presence and face to face with Him, pain will no longer be needed but will have completed its purpose and done away with completely and forever "...for the former things have passed away.”

It is also the exact opposite of what we experience if we do not receive our pain in faith; faith that God is using it for our good, not our harm.

I once heard it said, pain can either make us better (press us closer to God) or bitter (cause us to turn further away from God). The difference is faith...in knowing and believing God is working for our good in and through the pain. 

²Actually we are not thankful for the pain itself, but the fruit of that pain i.e. the stronger connection with God that comes through the pain. In short, we are thankful for seeing and experiencing more of God. 

³If God allows you to experience great pain, it is only because he trusts your faith in him. He knows your faith in him and trust in his love for you is strong enough to ultimatetly press you closer to him, empowering and enabling you to handle it. 

1Co_10:13  No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

God's desire is to increase your faith so that you might experience him even more and find in him greater comfort and joy than in what we lost. The greater your faith the greater your opportunity to experience more of God. 

If you know and believe this, pain will be the means of your advancement. If you do not, it will only be the means of your harm and destruction. 

This is why scripture says "all things work together for good of those who love God..." If there is no love in our heart for God, it is because there is no trust in God (he's already proven his love in Christ so now all that is left for us to do is believe Him). 

If no trust, then no gain from "all things" we go through. To gain, we must trust. To trust we must love. To love we must first believe in his love for us. For evidence of his love we look to Christ and all he did to restore us back to the Father.

⁴Though pain discontinues for us it still exists. Those who are separated from God will continue in this state of separation and the pain that comes from it. 

⁵Though experiencing ("knowing") evil in itself is not good, knowing (having a growing appreciation for) good contrasted to that evil is. 

This is why the knowledge of good and evil (evil contrasted with good) is a legitimate part of God's character.

⁶Victory is sweetest when the greatest adversity is overcome. The greater the adversity, the greater the sweetness and joy in overcoming it. 

Christs victory over death (caused by our rebellion and the evil it brought) is the ultimate victory. It is also our victory if we are in Him.

⁷This is the key to forgiveness. Joseph was freed of righteous anger towards his brothers and was able to let the hurt go (which was real i.e. it really happened with real consequences) because he came to see there was a much higher/bigger/ good purpose in the offense against him - he saw beyond the offense. God was involved and working for his good in/by the evil his brothers intended. 

This was also what enabled Christ to say, "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" while in the throes of hanging on a cross and suffering the greatest evil/injury possible; an evil being committed by the very ones he asked his Father to forgive. He understood there was a much higher purpose in and through the evil he was experiencing which enabled him to embrace and overcome it. 

⁸Note, they hid from God not the other way around. God sought them out from the outset of their turning away from Him. The loss of His presence and everything else was the result of them turning away from God not him turning away from them.