Good or bad guilt?

Are there different kinds of guilt? Can there be good and bad guilt? 

Most of us experience guilt feelings whenever we hurt or damage someone (intentionally or not) in some way and even more so if we are called out on it by others or even ourselves.

But how should we respond when this happens? 

I would suggest guilt is guilt - i.e. guilt is real, not simply a feeling and we are either guilty (objectively) or we are ¹not. The real question is how do we process and respond to guilt feelings? 

It's not that there is good or bad guilt per se but rather a constructive (good) or a destructive (bad) response to it.

Destructive response

We beat ourselves up (shame ourselves) over it, which ironically is an attempt to minimize (downplay) the hurt we caused someone else in order to relieve our shame (our hurt) - i.e. this is a focus on us and not the injured party, where it should be. It is self-centered not other-focused. As a result, we attempt to defend our actions. 

Constructive response

When we immediately recognize and acknowledge the hurt we caused, ask forgiveness, and seek to restore the injured party whenever and wherever possible, as quickly as possible. This is the healthy and appropriate response.

"Now I am happy, not because you were made sad, but because your sorrow made you decide to change (constructive). That is what God wanted, so you were not hurt by us in any way.

The kind of sorrow God wants makes people decide to change their lives. This leads them to ²salvation (constructive), and we cannot be sorry for that. But the kind of sorrow the world has will bring death (destructive)." 2Co 7:9-10

How do we "do" good guilt and not bad? 

It's a matter of the heart. When we are secure in God's love and know all our guilt before God -- and the ultimate legal consequences of our hurtful behavior from God -- is already fully taken care of (satisfied, removed) we are free to more clearly see and admit the hurt we cause others and no longer seek or attempt to ease our sense of failure. 

This is not something we try to do it is something that simply happens when we fully recognize and know who we are in Christ i.e. fully loved, forgiven, and accepted vs shamed.

For a child of God, the question isn't if we are ever guilty of hurting others. We are all guilty of offenses and all of us are also offended. The only question is how we address that guilt; in a constructive or destructive way. Because of Christ, it can always be constructive if we receive and believe his offer. The more we do the more we are able to.

For more on God's remedy for offenses click here.
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¹some are surprised to know that guilt feelings do not necessarily involve actual guilt.

For more discussion on guilt, the following may be of interest...

Driven by guilt and shame

Feeling shame versus true guilt

²Paul is talking of salvation in the sense that good guilt leads to our turning away -- it delivers (saves) us -- from destructive behavior. It is constructive, practical deliverance from destructive behavior, not legal justification. This is not about being saved by works, it is about works that come forth because we are already freed of the just condemnation for harmful behavior.

Co-dependence

We hear a lot about co-dependence these days. But what exactly is it, what causes it and how does it work? 

A co-dependent relationship is a mutually accepted arrangement between two people to take or get from the other what they need i.e. a relationship where each party agrees to use the other to meet their needs (not necessarily ¹consciously or verbally, but often - if not always - an unspoken understanding/agreement). 

When there is "giving" it is not truly to give but is giving in order to ultimately get. It is based solely on getting by both party's not based on giving. It is a relationship based on mutual taking. 

Co-dependent relationships can and often do work for an extended time as long as circumstances are good, i.e. good money, good sex, mutual goals, pleasant circumstances, etc. When circumstances become hard, the underlying weakness of this type of relationship is brought to the surface and exposed.

Co-dependent relationships also become unglued and unravel when one party becomes healthy and the other doesn't. For these relationships to continue working well, each must remain unhealthy (i.e. co-dependent) and circumstances remain easy/comfortable.

Health vs co-dependence

Healthy relationships may look very similar on the outside to co-dependent ones but operate totally different "under the hood" (on the inside). The motive that drives and holds a healthy relationship together is completely different from an unhealthy one.

A healthy relationship is based on giving not getting. Because of this, it is virtually impossible to distinguish between a co-dependent relationship and a healthy relationship on the outside - though there are often red flags that give us a clue when a relationship is more co-dependent. Only as we become spiritually and emotionally whole/healthy are we able to more clearly see the difference (not necessarily or always with others, but more with ourselves).

All relationships may have some co-dependent elements mixed. It depends on the individuals within the relationship. The healthier the individuals, the healthier and less co-dependent the relationship. Most relations are a mixture because few of us are completely whole/healthy spiritually and emotionally.

How do we become healthy? By looking to our Creator as we were designed to and deriving our sense of worth, value, and love from Him as our ²primary source. 

The greatest emotional health can only come through knowing we are perfectly and infinitely loved. And that can only occur by and through the Infinite Source of love - i.e. God - and ³not until then. 

The more we draw our sense of love and value from God in all his infinite love, the more whole/healthy we become.

For a further discussion of the necessity of trust in a healthy relationship, click here.

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Footnotes:

¹When Adam and Eve rebelled from their dependence on God, they cut themselves off from the only source of true life and love. As warned by God, the consequence of this was death. The essence of death was not only physical but no aspect of their existence was whole/connected/unified any longer. Not only was their relationship and connection with God severed, but unity with each other, the rest of creation and self as well. We experience this same disconnect to this day.  

One result of our disconnect with self is we no longer have a clear awareness of our heart and true motive for acting. We not only hide our true condition from God, but from ourselves as well as from each other.

The essence of death is separation from God, the source of life and love we were designed to operate in and by. This resulting in fragmentation of all other aspects of our existence. 

Without God, nothing works as originally designed. Everything is broken. In short, we are spiritually dead and therefore emotionally empty/ bankrupt; so much so that we are often in denial of this in our present condition.

We are so full of pain from the guilt and shame of our rebellion and subsequent failure to be who we were designed to be - i.e. recipients and conduits of God's love designed to love God with all we have and are and our neighbor as ourself - we are unable to acknowledge the depth of our brokenness; doing so is simply too painful and overwhelming. Only the love of God - His perfect acceptance and embrace of us as we are - can free us to take an honest look at our broken condition. 

When we come to trust Christ did everything necessary to remove our guilt before God and restore us back to the relation of infinite love we were originally designed for, only then are we able (feel safe enough) to acknowledge the extent of our brokenness to him and ourselves. We can only fully acknowledge our true condition in and through Christ.

For a further discussion on pain, click here.

For a further discussion on what it means to be broken click here. 

For a further discussion on the solution to guilt and shame click here.

For more posts discussing guilt and shame click here.

²God shows His love through others but that love will only be received as it should be when we recognize those who love well only do so because they have learned to receive God's love well. It is God Himself that they are indirectly experiencing through others. 

³Since the '60s when "free love" was heavily promoted and took a foothold in American culture, the cohesion of the family unit has deteriorated significantly in America.

Before then more kids grew up in a relatively stable and supportive family environment resulting in them feeling safer, more loved, nurtured, valued etc. (not necessarily because today's parents are unloving but because they were together and more unified in their commitment to the child and each other) which also gave the child a stronger sense of worth. This resulted in healthier individuals and less co-dependent relationships. 

The ultimate result of the breakdown of the family unit is that co-dependence is on the rise. The fruit of this is the rise of narcissistic self worship e.g. the age of the selfie and a major focus on loving ourselves.

The irony (silver lining to this cloud of dysfunction) is it is when we are weakest, at our worst, we are most likely to look to and appreciate God for help most. 

Driven by shame

Those who try to shame others into behaving the way they desire (i.e. to control them with shame) are themselves usually influenced or driven by shame (i.e. guilt feelings). We do who we are.

Why do most of us operate out of shame? 

The further away from God's ¹design we operate, the greater our guilt (real guilt vs guilt feelings). The greater our guilt feelings - i.e. sense of shame - the more it drives us and becomes our modus operandi -- the way we operate i.e. our actions are driven by guilt and shame instead of love as we were designed to operate.

Instead of seeking God to help us change the behavior that results in our shame, we often seek to get others to approve our behavior to find relief. We may not like the consequences of conduct that violates our design, but we like having no restrictions on our choices even less.

Because we are designed to ²give and receive love but cannot do so -- unless "plugged in" to the Source of love -- we never operate as we were designed, but are always operating with guilt and shame -- though we typically are not fully conscious of it unless some event triggers and surfaces it.

The more we operate out of shame the lower our sense of value/worth i.e. The more worthless we feel. This process often leads to depression and can ultimately lead to suicide if not addressed.

This is why we are constantly trying to do things to make us feel better about ourselves; to feel more important/ significant. We are in a constant state of pain and shame and always looking to relieve it.

As a result, we try to avoid things that make us feel worthless and cause shame -- like admitting we failed to accomplish a desired goal or are wrong when we mistreat others.

The only way to break free from this cycle of bondage, guilt, and shame is the grace of God -- the good news/gospel -- found in Jesus Christ alone.

For a further discussion of why we avoid the cause of guilt and shame click here.

For a further discussion of the cause and removal of guilt and shame click here.

For a discussion on the futility of engaging in guilt and shame click here and here.

For a discussion on our being designed for greatness/glory click here and here. 

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¹we are like God, designed for love. God is love, giving and receiving it back again. We need love (God); to receive it (Him) and reflect it to others and back to Him. We are most complete when we operate in this way - as we are designed to.

² "Positively" by outdoing/outperforming others. 

Negatively, by criticizing others to feel better about ourselves.

As God's rebellious image bearers, we run on empty (due to our rebellion) because we are disconnected from the Source of love. As a result, we attempt to get and take love instead of give and receive it as we were designed. At some level, we know this. For a further discussion on this point click here. 

I am putting "positively" in quotes because even though outdoing/outperforming others is considered constructive behavior, it is still behavior in an attempt to bolster our own sense of worth outside of God. This kind of behavior may be positive in the eyes of others but is contrary to who God designed us to be.