loving and valuing...the same?

In considering the definition of love, I found the word value helpful. But I have also found myself wondering how ¹value is similar and different from love. 

Is there a difference? If so, what is it? Let's dive in.

Objective vs personal value

Something can be objectively valuable without us personally valuing it or our even being aware of its value.

To say it another way, something can be infinitely valuable (objectively) without being valuable to us personally (subjectively).

God would be a classic example. He is infinitely valuable (without Him nothing would be) though He is ²not personally valued by most - at least not to the extent of His true value. 

For something to have actual value means there is something objectively and innately valuable - important or significant - about a person or thing first, regardless of whether we personally value them (it) or not. 

How are subjective value and love connected?

To personally value something is to also have affection for it i.e. to feel love for something. Loving affection involves emotional delight in that thing or person we value. Loving affection is an indication we have personal regard ³for the value of someone or something. It is both subjective, as well as objective. 

Valuing something for more than it's worth

On the other hand, to value someone or thing does not necessarily make them or it valuable objectively, only subjectively. This involves personal affection toward what is considered valuable - by the beholder - when it may not be valuable objectively, i.e. it is not actually or objectively as valuable as we think or feel. 

For example, we can meet someone charming that we feel could be important to us, who turns out to be nothing like they presented themselves to be. The reality of who they are doesn't match the appeal of who we thought they were or who they presented themselves to be.  

Valuing things vs persons

A classic example of a thing (vs a person) not being as valuable as we thought would be a product that doesn't equal or live up to the promise or "sales pitch" e.g. a job, a certain level of wealth, a potential partner, a particular car, a bigger house, even something simple like a purse or a pair of shoes etc. As we learn more about these things, the actual value doesn't match the hope - or hype if you prefer. As a result, we often despise the very things we sought so diligently when they do not deliver what we sought them for. 

It is pretty common for all of us to place a higher value on someone or something more than it's actually worth. 

Overvaluing is not the same as something having no value at all

Overvaluing something doesn't mean there is no value. Certain things may give you some happiness initially, but not to the extent you hoped, thought, or were told. They may be good things, but not the best thing and not to the extent we thought.

One reason this difference is significant is we may have a greater affection or love for something beyond what it deserves. We can love something to the point of worshiping it (and often do) when in reality it will never deliver long-term what we want, need, or believe it will. 

Not fully experiencing somethings true value

We can also appreciate the beauty and value of something objectively without ever personally participating in its full value e.g. we can see and smell an exquisite meal -- which is participation on a limited level.  And observe others eating and enjoying it, but we will not fully experience or benefit from it until we eat it ourselves. It is no less valuable because we don't eat it, it is just not fully valuable to us experientially or personally. 

We can observe the beauty or strength of another, yet never personally experience these qualities through direct participation. A fiancé can admire the physical beauty of his soon-to-be bride (or the strength and protection of her soon-to-be husband) but not fully partake of and experience that beauty (or strength) until they are married.

Value is ⁴foundational and a fundamental part of loving. It must exist first. But having loving affection for someone is personal in nature, whereas someone or something having value is an objective fact. 

Valuing from afar vs the nearness of love 

Valuing has more to do with our recognition of something's value from afar. Love/affection has more to do with intimacy (closeness) and personal enjoyment of that which is valuable.

Also, when we value something, it is usually more utilitarian or functional than affectionate.  

The most valuable of all

God is the Creator and Sustainer of all things, thereby making Him the most significant and valuable being in the universe. Without Him, nothing exists, including you and I. 

Yet many do not recognize this or have any affection toward Him i.e. God is valuable (objectively) even when He is not ⁵personally (subjectively) valued.  

A skewed view of God

Some even despise God for various reasons, despite His infinite worth. Usually, this is because He didn't come through for them in the way they thought he should. For these people, even though God is objectively valuable, he is not personally (subjectively) attractive.  

The problem however isn't with God but our view that He is some kind of celestial butler who should cater to our every whim. But this would not be God at all. God is all-knowing, loving, and able to do what He knows is best, not what we may think is best. 

By definition, God is controlled by no one. He is guided by His perfect understanding, not our limited understanding. He is the reason He does what He does in the way He does it. Because only He is all wise, loving, and powerful. We are not - though we often think and act as if we are. We are often pretty foolish (fooled).

God values us?

God not only values us as His image bearers but enjoys our interaction with him. He is delighted when we are delighted in Him. He is happy when we are happy in Him. He finds pleasure in our experiencing pleasure in and from our relationship, fellowship, and communion with Him. In short He not only values us, He loves us. Or if you wish you could say He not only loves us but values us. 

God values all his image-bearers by virtue of them being like Him, but he does not have a personal relationship with or affection for all of them. That relationship with the accompanying affections is experienced by those who recognize Him as the Source of love, life, and all things. Those he has personal affection for he pursues and draws to himself. 

If this article tugs at your heart in any way, He is pursuing you. If it doesn't, pray He has mercy on you and stirs your heart to seek Him. No one comes to Christ unless the Father draws them. Jn 6:44

For a discussion on why God delights in our delight click here.

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¹by value I simply mean something of importance, e.g. When we say someone has strong values, we mean certain things are very important to them, such as family. When we say someone has strong family values, we mean they place high importance on their family over other persons or things. 

²The only reason God is not personally valued, i.e. loved by most is because they do not recognize and acknowledge all they are and have is from Him. By definition, this is part of what makes Him God i.e.  He is the Creator and Sustainer of all things.

And this is usually because of all the pain and suffering they experience and see others experience. They assume if God existed he would address all the pain and suffering (which He has, only not on their terms but on His - which are the best terms, because only He knows what is best since He knows and sees all things). We question and doubt God's love and goodness because we don't understand the cause and purpose behind pain. For a further discussion on this click here.

³something cannot be truly loved or worth loving until it is first valuable (objectively) and then valued (subjectively).

⁴The opposite is true for the same reason. Someone who has personal regard for us also has affection for us. 

This, however, doesn't mean someone has to have affection for us to treat us in a loving manner. They can treat us well simply because they recognize our value, i.e. that we are worth being treated well by virtue of being in God's image - i.e. like God. And because God has called us to treat others as we wish to be treated and we desire to honor his wishes. 

⁵How many people regularly and consistently show God gratitude for all they are and have? Do you do this yourself? 

Here's a clue. None of us do. That's why someone else (Christ) had to do this for us and actually did it. If you believe this, He will credit this to you as if you did it.   

Don't be surprised by suffering

If God is good, why does He allow evil (pain and suffering)? This is the age-old question and the reason many give for why they don't trust God.

But could it be that God allows and seeks to use our pain to humble us so ¹we might see that life can not and does not work without Him? Could the reason for pain and suffering be this simple and come with such loving intentions?

What most do not consider is pain and suffering are the eventual outcomes and natural consequences of ²arrogant independence i.e. the belief that ¹we can make life work without acknowledging the Creator of it; that we can extract what we need from creation that which we long for most.

But pain can also become the ³means by which God humbles us, if we let it. Evil itself is bad but humility and whatever is needed to humble ¹us and draw us closer to God is good, not bad (though often unpleasant). A seeming contradiction?

Our inability to find true and lasting life and love outside of God - a very painful and humbling realization - can direct us back to Him. But only if we turn from our arrogant and stubborn belief that we can obtain these without Him. If we persist in our unbelief, the painful consequences of this rebellious distrust of God - i.e. the evil and harm it brings on us and others - are not His fault, but our choice. 

We rarely grasp the far-reaching significance or impact of our rebellious distrust of God - i.e. how harmful and destructive it truly is to ourselves and others - until we experience the pain this distrust causes. And even then, we rarely recognize the true reason we experience it. 

The fact that we are surprised, put off, offended or upset with God by pain and suffering (evil) is proof of how little we understand the far-reaching impact and severe consequences of our distrust of God.

The suffering caused by evil should not surprise us. It is the natural outcome of believing we can make life work without God when all the pain it causes tells us otherwise. 

Believing we can make life work without God is a lie. Life only works as God intends when we are in perfect alignment and union with God our Creator - the source of life, love, and all things - in whose image we were created. If we truly understood how essential He is, we would not be surprised at all by the pain ¹we experience by not being aligned and in tune with the very Source of life.

We all have the capacity to see far more than we now see about God, ourselves, and life (such as how much pain and suffering our unbelief causes). The only thing blocking us from seeing more clearly is our lack of humility - refusing to acknowledge our need for and dependence on God for all we have and are. 

For a further discussion of how God uses evil for our good click here...and here.

The greater the evil the greater the opportunity for healing/grace click here.

For a discussion on the key lesson from the book of Job, click here.

For a discussion on the value of paradox, click here.

For a discussion of how big God is click here

For a discussion on the necessity of humility, click here.

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Footnotes:

¹I'm not saying that our individual pain and suffering is necessarily because of anything specific we haven't or have done. I'm referring to the pain and suffering the world experiences in general. Certainly, there often are negative consequences for our individual poor choices, but humanity in general suffers from being in a broken world because of the world's collective rebellion toward God. And even if our suffering is a direct result of individual poor choices, the remedy is not guilt and shame but humility i.e. increased recognition of our dependence on God. That we can't get from life what we ultimately need apart from Him. 

There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. All things work for the good of those who love God. 

 

²Even suicide is an act of arrogant distrust of God. Someone ends their life because they believe it is not worth living. Yet they don't consider the foundational reason they are in despair is the absence of God i.e. their lack of trust in God and His wisdom and love in allowing pain (the organic and rightful consequences of unbelief) to continue.

³God is so wise, powerful, and good, that he even uses evil for good - even though evil is still bad. Only He can. But we will never see or understand this if we do not trust Him. 

"Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! 

“For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?” “Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?” For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen." Rom.11.33-36

For a more in-depth look at Rom 11:33-36, click here. 

The necessity of dependence

The very acts of eating, drinking, and breathing are daily reminders that we ¹depend on things outside ourselves for life. They also remind us of how fragile life truly is when we can not access these basic essential resources.

When we stop to consider it, what is necessary for life comes to us from ²without, not within. If we do not partake of these physical resources, we physically die. We usually don't give this much thought until the threat of not having these presents itself.

This is not only true physically but spiritually as well. Without God - and these physical resources created, sustained, and given to us by Him - we cease to ³function as we were designed to.

So we are indirectly sustained by God through the things we must have for life. Without God, these things would not exist, and neither would we.

No amount of resistance to dependence or the desire to be ²independent - "free" - of our physical or spiritual needs (or limits) will change our dependence. We may ignore, resist, or deny our dependence, but to do so ultimately leads to death - physically and spiritually. 

To continue receiving and benefiting from what we must have for life requires acknowledging our ongoing need for and dependence on them and their Source. Otherwise, it will lead to continued separation from the very Source of life and ultimate separation from all created things after this present existence.

Even though we often despise ²dependence, in the above examples dependence is good, not bad, because it helps sustain our lives.

Every day and every breath are gifts. They are not guarantees or rights we can demand or become angry over losing. Without God and all He provides, only death is certain, not life. Be grateful for your life and all it offers and seek to use it to honor the Giver.

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Footnotes:

¹Even though eating, drinking, and breathing are activities of dependence, we all love a good meal when hungry, a cold refreshing drink when thirsty, and fresh air when we are suffocating or couped up in a place where the air is stale or unpleasant. We grow to love and appreciate these even more when we have gone through times when they were not readily available or temporarily unavailable. 

This is why suffering the temporary loss of these gifts gives us a whole new perspective on life and appreciation for these basic needs. Who hasn't heard of someone's entire outlook and approach to life forever changed because of a near-death experience from lack of one or more of these resources? This kind of event causes a major shift in our view of life and the world. 

This is true of hard circumstances as well. Those who have lost their freedom or some other blessing appreciate it all the more when they get it back. 

Eating, drinking, and breathing are so much a part of our lives we do not see or treat the use of them as "acts of dependence." But this doesn't make them any less so. It simply indicates how much we take for granted the good things we have. It is only when we do not have them that we fully appreciate their value and the reality of our absolute life-or-death dependence on them.

In fact, isn't this the value of suffering? It humbles us and makes us aware of our true status of being dependent creatures, i.e. it brings our understanding of who we are more in line with reality - a "reality check" if you will. 

Reality is good, however, not bad. Living in the "real world" maximizes our flourishing and minimizes harm to us and others. Embrace the reality of your dependence. In the long run, your life will flourish more because of this. This in part is what the bible means when it says we find life through death. Death to independence in this way, leads to life.

No one likes pain or suffering and many use its existence to justify being angry at God, when in truth they are the organic result of rejecting dependence on our Creator and His creation. Pain is designed to bring us back into alignment with our Creator and remind us of our absolute dependence on Him for our very breath.

It is not the gifts we despise, but our general dependence we dislike. We wish to be free of all "restraints." However, wouldn't we all be better off if we learned to embrace all the ways we are dependent in the same way we do these everyday gifts (breath, air, water etc) we usually take for granted, i.e. with gratitude?

It is worth noting that Christ characterized Himself as the bread and water of life. This implies we need far more for real life than just what this physical life offers. As believers, these are comforting promises, and we gladly embrace this truth about Christ.

²We are told in scripture that our very breath comes from God. Not only our breath but everything we are and have are gifts from our Creator, regardless of whether we acknowledge this or use them as God intends and designs.

Unfortunately, not acknowledging this leads to the permanent loss of these gifts and all blessings of life. If we reject the Giver of these things, we eventually lose both the Giver and His gifts. Why would he continue to extend them to us, if we refuse to acknowledge the cause for them? To continue having and using the gifts without acknowledging the Giver would be living in a delusion or lie. 

³When not aligned with our Creator, we not only cease to function well, but we ultimately go into eternity on this same course - i.e. without Him - but also without access to the creation we presently enjoy. For more on this click here.

Forsaken and abandoned?

When we experience pain - emotionally or physically - our biggest struggle is thinking we are forsaken and abandoned by God.

Yet God's greatest promise is nothing - especially suffering - will ever separate those who trust and love Christ, from his love.

God's greatest proof is sending His Son to suffer what should have been our pain so He could restore us to Himself. This will ultimately free us from all pain in eternity, if not now. 

Because of this, our pain is not only temporary but actually becomes the means by which we are drawn closer to God - but only if our pain is received well - i.e. by faith that God is using our pain for our good. It is preparing us for an eternal glory that far outweighs any temporary loss. 

We may be certain that we are a child of God and believe He loves us simply because He proved it by sending Christ, even when we are constantly bombarded with experiences that seem to indicate otherwise.

If our faith - that God is good, loving, wise, and all-powerful in allowing our pain - is not strong, the difficulties and struggles of life will beat us down when God is actually seeking to build us up by drawing us closer to Himself - i.e. to purify and strengthen our faith through these challenges.

God is not judging us nor has he abandoned us when we go through adversity. Struggles are a part of our ¹broken condition and ²the broken world we now live in (brought about by humanity's general overall rebellion). 

Though we are perfectly loved in and by Christ, we are not yet fully in union with God (we are not yet face to face with Him and in the fullness of His presence and fully glorified or totally free of pain). All of creation (especially us) is presently in bondage, awaiting our total deliverance. 

For a further discussion of how God uses evil for our good click here...and here.

The greater the evil the greater the opportunity for healing/grace click here.

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¹And what is the nature of our existence? We are limited in our understanding and ability to gain what we most need - not only because we are not yet fully connected to God - the Source of life, love, and all things - but simply because we are limited, dependent creatures. 

But we are also spiritually dead (outside of Christ) and disconnected from the Source of all things and therefore impotent in our ability to live as we were designed to. 

We question God's love at the drop of a hat and the slightest breeze of adversity. We are damaged goods - "traumatized" - full of doubt and distrust when life gets hard. 

As a result, we often beat ourselves up and go through life wondering how and why God would love us. Surely, he has every right to abandon us because of our weaknesses, fears, doubts, and failures. And He does have a perfect right to abandon us, yet He chooses to meet us in our weakness, on our level - in and through Christ - to restore us back to a loving relationship with him, not just once but constantly ongoing with no limits. This is why we call it amazing grace. 

This state of current pain is ultimately due to humanity's commitment to being our own God and our disregard for Christ's work for us. 

Our trust in our efforts to win God's (and other's) acceptance must shift to trust in Christ's efforts (work) on our behalf. We must stop putting confidence in our deeds and put it in Christ's. Deeds which are not only complete but completely satisfy our need and requirement for perfect righteousness i.e. to live right toward God and others.

²The world is full of beauty and wonder, but it is also filled with death, disease, destruction, decay, and conflict. God warned us this would be the outcome if we rebelled and broke trust with Him. 

It is no wonder life is often so difficult. Instead of being surprised or put off by adversity, we should anticipate it. Christ said in this world you will have tribulation (adversity). 

But he also said "fear not, I have overcome the world." How? By coming back to life after embracing our pain, suffering, and eventual death so we too would fully participate in His resurrected life one day. 

Adversity has nothing to do with God's love - in the sense that He no longer loves us when we struggle or go through hard times. 

But it also has everything to do with God's love because he uses all things (including and especially the hard things) for our good i.e. to draw us closer to him in greater dependence and trust through those struggles so we might become more like His Son. And that so we would more fully experience and reflect His love out to others i.e. to let our light shine, which is His light shinning in and through us and made brighter by burning away the impurities in us - painful but necessary process.