Loving ourselves… part II

More and more we hear talk about loving ourselves.

Why? My observation of myself and of others, is this comes from a deep, often unconscious, sense of feeling unloved, often connected to our ¹family of origin.  

When you grow up knowing - and believing - you are truly and deeply loved - ultimately by God but also well conveyed to those who were blessed enough to have godly loving parents - you rarely think about being loved any more than you think about eating right after a very large, satisfying meal. The more loved (valued) you feel, the less likely you will be allured by the offer of love from temporary, unhealthy, or destructive sources. To use an analogy, healthy, godly love inoculates us from catching the bug of unhealthy, fleeting love. When we know we are infinitely loved, we become givers instead of takers, comforters of others instead of those who seek comfort. 

We all have a deep sense of feeling unloved simply because we are disconnected and separated from our Creator - the source of love and ²life Himself. However, this sense will be more or less exaggerated and felt depending on how much true sacrificial love we did or did not receive from our parents.

People usually resort to self-love because they have been deeply hurt and ³disappointed by others. And in truth, not even the most loving parents or any other person can give us the love we were designed for. Only God can. As a result, we are more inclined to no longer trust others to come through for us. We believe we can only trust ourselves, so this is where we go for love. As meager as self-love may be, it is better than nothing, plus we have some control over it. At least we feel we do.

Our ability to trust - or lack of it - starts with our parents. We are already naturally inclined to distrust. It was the disposition of our original parents (Adam and Eve) and continues to be ours. But our earthly parents help lay the foundation on which trust is either nurtured or damaged more. 

Because of the breakdown of the family unit at large and the huge significance of the support (or lack) it offers, there is an increasing number of children that grow up experiencing a greater sense of missing love, resulting in increased efforts to self-love. The greater the breakdown, the greater the effort. Hence the rise of Narcissism, the appeal of self-love, and the age of the "selfie."

The challenge, however, is when all is said and done, we are designed for infinite love. A finite being - you and I (including our parents) - can never give us infinite love i.e. an infinite need can never be met by a finite solution. Only infinite love will do.

Though our parents are our first and most significant relationship through which our self-concept is shaped, ultimately no parent can give us what we were designed for; infinite, uninterrupted love. 

Since perfect love (God's) is available to all of us, to not accept it is on us individually, not our parents. We may be damaged because of inadequate parental love but this is only an opportunity to experience and appreciate God's love all the more - if we can learn to trust it.  

Loved well...or not

When a child is loved well (consistently) by parents who also know they are loved well - due to a strong sense of love of feeling loved by the Creator - and the parents clearly convey to their child the reason they love well is because of God, the child will easily transfer their sense of love and trust from their parents to God when they eventually move out on their own and no longer under the direct care of their parents.

God never fails even if others do

The beauty of God's love is even if and when someone does not receive healthy love and support from their family of origin, God also uses this to show the greatness of his love by contrast.

Psa 27:10  Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child]. Amplified version.
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¹However, the root cause is we are all alienated from our Creator, the source of love and life. If we are designed to be in a loving relationship with our Creator and are absent that relationship, we will always have a sense of feeling unloved no matter how loving our parents or others are. 

²though we still have access to and use of created things and use them as God/love substitutes -- which includes other creatures i.e. animate and inanimate.

³The beauty of being a believing parent is God's forgiveness of us and unrelenting love for us frees us to acknowledge our mistakes and ask for our child's forgiveness when we make them -- and we will make them. Being a good parent isn't about being perfect; it's about being real and demonstrating the love and grace of God in our brokenness. Our brokenness becomes an opportunity to demonstrate how the grace of God works in our lives as imperfect bearers of God's image (and in this sense the same as our kids - we all need and are recipients of grace) and therefore can be the same in the child's life as well. 

Believing we are loved

God telling us we are fully loved does not necessarily mean we believe we are fully loved. We can read and clearly see where God says he loves us and even comprehend the reasons for how and why, but that is not necessarily the same as actually believing it. 

If we are to experience and fully participate in the love that God truly has for us we must accept his assessment, fully believing it is true and reject our own or that of others (including Satan, the great accuser and deceiver).

Indications of unbelief…

How do we know if we are not fully believing? If you ever go through a hardship that causes you to question his wisdom, power, presence, or care/love for you; that very questioning is due to unbelief. I am not saying it's uncommon but it's unbelief nevertheless. 

Or if you choose to follow your directions over his directions, this also tells us we trust ourselves more than God; especially when he has clearly shown you an area you do this that you weren't previously aware of.

This questioning or choosing does not actually stop God's love, but it does prevent us from experiencing and fully participating in it.

Possible causes…

This happens for various reasons but perhaps the biggest reason is it is simply too hard for us to accept love offered to us that has nothing to do with whether we are lovely or not i.e. all our experience of being loved prior to God's love is based almost exclusively on our being "good enough" to be loved (the exceptions might be loving parents and family for those blessed enough to have such people in their life). 

It is hard to comprehend that God's love is based solely on someone else being good enough for us, on our behalf i.e. that someone removed the barrier that obstructed God's love for us and we had nothing to do with or for it. It is fully ours because of someone else's efforts. All we must do is believe it - accept it.

Our having trouble accepting Gods love can also be due to being mistreated so severely that we can not believe we are ever worthy of being loved.

Whatever the reason, we are called to believe God loves us not only because he says so but took action to prove it i.e. he told us the reason Christ came and died is because of God's love. In light of this action, the only question now is if God is for us who can be against us? 

What do you say? Do you believe?

Longing… Painful or Pleasant?

Longing for meaning, purpose, and happiness is both painful and pleasant. 

Too long for something is to desire what you do not have. 

To not have what you desire is to feel lack or emptiness. 

To lack or be empty is not pleasant but painful.

However, there is also no longing without hope.

If we have no hope, we cannot allow ourselves to feel longing out fear of not getting what we long for.

Without hope, our longing must be shut down or numbed or it will drive us to despair.  The reason people commit suicide is they lose hope. 

If we have hope of obtaining what we long for, we pursue it with excitement and anticipation of fulfillment. The greater the hope, the greater the excitement and anticipation. 

For these reasons, longing is both painful and pleasant at the same time.

Rom 8:24  For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25  But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. 

Rom 15:13  May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 

Changed by love...literally

God's love for us is the means of our transformation/sanctification/ spiritual formation.

Prior to eternity, we experience his love *primarily by faith. In our present existence, we are called to believe that he loves us no matter what we are going through. The main proof of his love is the past work of Christ on our behalf.  

*I say primarily by faith because God occasionally demonstrates his love through our experience and circumstances. But even these we benefit from by faith (do you know for sure a positive experience or circumstance is from the hand of God? Yes, but by faith i.e. it could be things went well by luck or happenstance. Of course, we know for the true believer there is no such thing as luck or happenstance. But we know this by faith as well) and these are still secondary to the demonstration of his love for us in Christ's past work on our behalf. 

Once we go into eternity we experience his love firsthand by sight. As we continue to gaze upon him and take in his love we are transformed and our capacity for that love expands throughout eternity.

An illustration:

What is fascinating about talents shows like "American Idol" and "The Voice" is the transformation that occurs with the contestants as they continue to progress in the competition. As they do their view of themselves changes. Often after years of rejection and no recognition, they are beaten down and begin to doubt they have anything worthwhile to offer. They must believe against all odds to continue. 

But as they progress on the show they are confirmed in their belief/confidence and begin to have that belief reinforced that they really are capable after all and do have something valuable that others want. They begin to believe in their own value and talent. As they do you notice they become more relaxed, more confident and even more creative and productive (and if they recognize their gifts are from God, more humble). They begin to perform in ways they didn't know they were capable of. In short, they actually look better and perform better. The full talent that they possess blossoms more and more. 

This is a picture of the transformation that occurs with the child of God as they begin to realize God really does love and value them.

The big difference, of course, is our value is not based on our talents and efforts but ultimately on that of another i.e. on Christ's efforts on our behalf.

Hating evil or loving your enemies?

Hate is not necessarily bad. To hate and fight against that - i.e. evil - which destroys others we are entrusted to love, protect, and care for, is actually loving those being destroyed by what we hate.

Nevertheless, it is not our job individually or collectively as the church to repay evil with evil.

While it is legitimate to call out, expose, and even resist evil (harmful and destructive behavior); to exercise retaliation or retribution against evil is not. That is God's job.

However, how that is worked out in real life is not always as cut and dried as we might prefer.

There is a tension that lies within what appears to be contradictory teachings in scripture.

There are two distinctions that need to be made to sort this out. We have to distinguish between: 

1. Self-defense vs punishment/retribution. 

And also between 

2. Personal vs civil punishment/retribution.

I will address personal vs civil punishment/retribution first.

God has appointed civil authorities to punish wrongdoing per Romans 13. So the punishment of wrongdoing is legitimate and necessary. But Scripture indicates that punishment of evil is assigned by God only to governing authorities and not just anyone in general. Governing authorities are appointed by God to reward good and punish evil (Rom 13:3-4; I Pet 2:14).

On the personal/private level, however, Christ teaches us (as private individuals and followers of Christ) to love our enemies, forgive those who do evil against us, and to turn the other cheek. 

These are two very different ways of handling evil. To resolve this we must understand that scripture distinguishes between the civil and personal (or public and private if you will) in addressing evil. 

As an example, during his campaign speeches, the crowds called for Trump to lock up Clinton for two reasons. 1. They (as individual private citizens) do not have the legitimate authority to do so. 2. Therefore they were appealing to Trump to do so (a not yet, but soon to be appointed civil authority). 

This is the same reason a policeman can legitimately take a life when a private citizen can not, assuming an officer is doing so legitimately within their allowed sphere of authority. 

Only civil authorities must do so and only within the boundaries clearly laid out in scripture. If they do not, they are no longer operating legitimately and must be tried by the very same laws they are authorized to enforce. For more on this click here. 

We often confuse these two. Because we, as private individuals/citizens, are instructed to love our enemies, we may think there is never a justification for calling out or punishing evil. That everyone must always "turn the other cheek" (and on a personal level this is correct). Some (those in civil authority) however are appointed by God to "take up the sword" and exercise or carry out God's judgment for wrongdoing on those who violate His law.

Some would say we are unloving if we desire and call for justice. However, wanting civil justice is not only right but we are encouraged and called to pursue righteousness (Mat 5:6) personally and as a nation/state. But it is not our role to enforce it as private citizens. On the public or civil level this is the role of civil authorities i.e. why they exist and at times must legitimately carry out this role.

Now to the second point regarding self-defense vs punishment/retribution.

Self-defense and protecting persons or things God has entrusted to my care is different from punishment or retribution. If someone breaks into my home and seeks to harm my family I am responsible to protect them and have every right to do so by whatever means necessary. Even taking the life when necessary of the one seeking to harm my family or me. This is not necessarily punishment or retribution. I am not acting out of revenge (no harm by an offender has has occurred yet) but out of defense of my loved ones as well as self-defense. The end result might be the same in both (the taking of another life) but the motive is entirely different. Protecting loved ones or even self defense could be considered a form of  stewardship i.e. faithfully caring for that which God has entrusted to me.

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If you wish to see a further discussion of evil and the necessity of judgment, I discuss these in the following two posts...

* The necessity of judgment.

* Is God angry at evil

I also discuss further my understanding of Romans 13 at …

* Obeying the authorities

Doing what comes naturally?

Doing what comes "naturally" sounds good and even normal. Yet our natural state is one of blindness and rebellion to God, not pursuit of him, ultimately leading to permanent separation from Him i.e. death.

Outside of the Spirit of God revealing the Father and Son to us, we can not even see God truly, much less desire pursue him. (Joh 3:3)

Unless God reveals himself to us, we see nothing clearly. And even with his Spirit we still see through a glass darkly. We will not see with real or total clarity until we see Christ face-to-face. 

As a result, we are also naturally inclined to read our stuff into God's word(s) to us. We not only view scripture, but our experiences and our world through very distorted lenses. 

Though doing what comes "natural" may sound good or normal, our natural state is one of blindness and death.

In the true sense, doing what feels natural is actually unnatural, i.e., contrary to our original design.

Pro 14:12  There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death.

Jesus answered him, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God." -Joh 3:3  

2Co 4:3-4 And even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing. In their case, the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.

1Co 13:12   For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

1Jn 3:2  Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is.

Willpower or affections?

Our desires trump our will (though they are not entirely separate from it)

To will something (simply choose to act) contrary to our affections does not work long term. Willpower alone does not sustain our actions or change our behavior.

This is a willing not because we truly want to do something but because we think we must. This is choosing because we believe we have to choose in order to be approved/accepted/lovable. This is seeking to earn love. 

Since we can never do enough to gain the love we were designed for this leads to burn out. We may press forward with considerable effort for an extended time only to find out no amount of effort gives us what we truly long for nor does it fulfill our deepest desires. 

A Shift

When we recognize we are already approved/accepted/loved in Christ the need to earn the acceptance of others (including God) is no longer necessary; everything within us shifts. This is not something we do, it's something we believe, recognize, acknowledge. 

What needs to change is not our wills but our affections. 

But our affections are not something we can simply will ourselves to have and into existence. They just are. Our affections automatically change once our beliefs about God and ourselves change. 

So where do affections come from? 

They are the result of what we believe is most attractive/beautiful/ significant. 

When we see something beautiful we are naturally drawn to it. This is not something we consciously choose or think about. We simply long for what we believe is most desirable. This is a given. 

We do not choose our desires, we choose what we believe will best meet them.

And what we long for, we pursue/go after. So our affections are central to long-term change but are also directly tied to what we believe is desirable or worthy of our affections. 

Why is something desirable? 

We believe it will give us what we want and/or need.

Why is belief necessary? 

Because we are limited in what we see, know and are able to do. We must trust in order to acquire what we need.

Our belief is based upon our seeing. 

If what is objectively most desirable is hidden from our view we will not desire or pursue it i.e. We will not subjectively experience the desire for it or have the will to go after it. 

If we are lost and dying of thirst and stumble across a muddy, leaf filled puddle, we will gladly drink from it. But if we looked up and saw 50 feet further there was a crystal clear spring fed stream we would find strength (i.e. the willpower) to continue past the puddle to the stream.

And what is it that we want? 

To be valued. To be treated as significant, worthwhile; in a word, loved. Whatever we believe will best provide this is what is most desirable to us.

And why is it we want this?

We are like God who is most valuable. In order to appreciate his value we had be like him i.e. have the ability to appreciate value and experience our own in so doing.  

The basis for change listed in order of priority/importance

* God ...the source of all love and beauty is most lovely, beautiful and desirable above all things

* Our seeing him as he is i.e. lovely, beautiful and desirable (by faith – a work of the Spirit)

* Increasing affections for God as we see him more clearly 

* Pursuit of God (faithfulness/obedience to him) as we recognize he is desirable above everything else

For a further discussion on desires and where they come from click here.