Loving ourselves… part II

More and more we hear talk about loving ourselves.

Why? My observation of myself and of others, is this comes from a deep, often unconscious, sense of feeling unloved, often connected to our ¹family of origin.  

When you grow up knowing - and believing - you are truly and deeply loved - ultimately by God but also well conveyed to those who were blessed enough to have godly loving parents - you rarely think about being loved any more than you think about eating right after a very large, satisfying meal. The more loved (valued) you feel, the less likely you will be allured by the offer of love from temporary, unhealthy, or destructive sources. To use an analogy, healthy, godly love inoculates us from catching the bug of unhealthy, fleeting love. When we know we are infinitely loved, we become givers instead of takers, comforters of others instead of those who seek comfort. 

We all have a deep sense of feeling unloved simply because we are disconnected and separated from our Creator - the source of love and ²life Himself. However, this sense will be more or less exaggerated and felt depending on how much true sacrificial love we did or did not receive from our parents.

People usually resort to self-love because they have been deeply hurt and ³disappointed by others. And in truth, not even the most loving parents or any other person can give us the love we were designed for. Only God can. As a result, we are more inclined to no longer trust others to come through for us. We believe we can only trust ourselves, so this is where we go for love. As meager as self-love may be, it is better than nothing, plus we have some control over it. At least we feel we do.

Our ability to trust - or lack of it - starts with our parents. We are already naturally inclined to distrust. It was the disposition of our original parents (Adam and Eve) and continues to be ours. But our earthly parents help lay the foundation on which trust is either nurtured or damaged more. 

Because of the breakdown of the family unit at large and the huge significance of the support (or lack) it offers, there is an increasing number of children that grow up experiencing a greater sense of missing love, resulting in increased efforts to self-love. The greater the breakdown, the greater the effort. Hence the rise of Narcissism, the appeal of self-love, and the age of the "selfie."

The challenge, however, is when all is said and done, we are designed for infinite love. A finite being - you and I (including our parents) - can never give us infinite love i.e. an infinite need can never be met by a finite solution. Only infinite love will do.

Though our parents are our first and most significant relationship through which our self-concept is shaped, ultimately no parent can give us what we were designed for; infinite, uninterrupted love. 

Since perfect love (God's) is available to all of us, to not accept it is on us individually, not our parents. We may be damaged because of inadequate parental love but this is only an opportunity to experience and appreciate God's love all the more - if we can learn to trust it.  

Loved well...or not

When a child is loved well (consistently) by parents who also know they are loved well - due to a strong sense of love of feeling loved by the Creator - and the parents clearly convey to their child the reason they love well is because of God, the child will easily transfer their sense of love and trust from their parents to God when they eventually move out on their own and no longer under the direct care of their parents.

God never fails even if others do

The beauty of God's love is even if and when someone does not receive healthy love and support from their family of origin, God also uses this to show the greatness of his love by contrast.

Psa 27:10  Although my father and my mother have forsaken me, yet the Lord will take me up [adopt me as His child]. Amplified version.
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¹However, the root cause is we are all alienated from our Creator, the source of love and life. If we are designed to be in a loving relationship with our Creator and are absent that relationship, we will always have a sense of feeling unloved no matter how loving our parents or others are. 

²though we still have access to and use of created things and use them as God/love substitutes -- which includes other creatures i.e. animate and inanimate.

³The beauty of being a believing parent is God's forgiveness of us and unrelenting love for us frees us to acknowledge our mistakes and ask for our child's forgiveness when we make them -- and we will make them. Being a good parent isn't about being perfect, it's about being real and demonstrating the love and grace of God in our brokenness. Our brokenness becomes an opportunity to demonstrate how the grace of God works in our lives as imperfect bearers of God's image (and in this sense the same as our kids - we all need and are recipients of grace) and therefore can be the same in the child's life as well.