Being a victim or playing one

Being a victim and "playing the victim" is not the same. Being a victim is rooted in the reality of being harmed i.e. you or someone else was really and truly hurt and suffered a loss of some kind - physically, emotionally, materially, reputation wise etc. - at the hands of another i.e. an offender. 

"Playing the victim" however is rooted in self-pity and seeking to garner the pity of others by using the harm-pain the victim has experienced to gain sympathy and even attempt to use it manipulate others. Someone may have been genuinely hurt, but "playing the victim" uses "victimhood" often to ¹exact revenge or seek a benefit (or both) from others in order to self-comfort or self-protect.

Being harmed is real as well as wrong and should be fully acknowledged and recognized for what it is. This is ²necessary to help the victim be freed from the offense, - i.e. to be able to forgive the offender - learn what they can through it - about God's forgiveness or self-forgiveness etc. - and move on with their life. 

Seeking self-pity by playing the victim is simply an attempt to self-love instead of depending on and looking to the God of love who ultimately uses all things - including offenses - for the good of those who love him.

Possibly the most important thing to know about unforgiveness (i.e. refusal or trouble in letting go of offenses) is it may be an indication you do not know your own great offenses against God (and others) and the forgiveness offered to you. 

For more on God's solution to offenses click here.

For a discussion on racism and forgiveness click here.

For a discussion on values, culture and racism click here.

For a personal story of being a victim of discrimination click here.

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¹I would suggest a great deal -- though certainly not all that drives the victim agenda in various forms -- sometimes referred to as "social justice" - e.g. "me too" "black lives matter" "men or whites are evil" feminism, racism, etc - is this very desire to hurt others because we have been hurt. To say it succinctly, playing the victim is usually rooted in revenge due to bitterness over past offenses. 

Though there are real issues (offenses) we must look at in all attempts at justice, we can not see offenses clearly until the underlying emotional hurt is addressed first i.e. forgiven. 

Anger/revenge rarely produces objective or clear thinking, no matter what position one takes on different issues. There is unrighteous anger on all sides of the political spectrum.

Any agenda driven by retaliation or retribution is not driven by love. No matter how offended we have been we are still called to love others... even our enemies. Christ modeled this himself best while hanging on the cross when he said "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" to those who put Him there. 

One remains in pain if a wound goes unaddressed/unhealed. This is why emotions are just under the surface for those in pain and easily triggered and so passionately vented when a new offense occurs - even if no offense actually occurred or was intended. When there is a real offense, often the response is out of proportion to the offense for those with a victim disposition and mentality. This is our first clue there is unresolved anger/bitterness from past offenses. A response-reaction that comes out of pain is never a rational one but almost always excessive and emotional e.g. filled with anger, hate, etc. 

People are often not able to explain why they are so easily triggered out of proportion to the offense because of it's deep roots (that fester up to the surface and are often ready to erupt at the slightest provocation). 

What is the solution? 

Forgiveness that springs forth from our being forgiven by God. This is so basic it is a major part of the Lord's prayer.

11 Give us this day our daily bread, 12 and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Matthew 6:11-13 (ESV)

²in order to truly and fully forgive and completely be freed we must know the full extent of the harm. To say it another way, if we forgive a small offense when a large one actually occurred, we are not getting to the bottom of the issue and therefore can not be fully freed from it. Forgiveness must be equal to the offense. 

Of course even more fundamental is recognizing the extent of our own offense against God himself and the length to which he went to remedy it... and did,  in and through Christ.  Without a clear understanding of our own offense to God and the full extent of his forgiveness of us, we can never truly and fully forgive others.

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Question...How do you feel about the picture to the right? Some may find it highly offensive. If you do, this actually serves to underscore my point. You may wish to dig inside a little to understand why. If you find yourself "triggered," angry or even feeling rage by this card, it may be a good indication you have unresolved bitterness over past offenses. 

You may be bothered by the picture for another reason. 

It is right to have compassion for those who have been harmed or broken in some way. Christ certainly did. Some may feel this picture mocks this and are bothered for this reason. And that is good. Not that you are offended, but that you care. A significant part of Christ's ministry was to heal those who were damaged - more so from physical than emotional pain, though these are often connected and not entirely separate. The pain people feel is real and deserves being acknowledged for what it is i.e. the fruit of living among broken people, in a broken world, and the harm that comes to us as a result. 

The pain of others should matter to us because it mattered to Christ. It matters to him because he also wrongfully suffered at the hands of others far more than any of us. 

When our pain produces humility we are on the road to healing. If it produces anger, anxiety, depression, etc we may have some work to do yet. 

I personally think the above card is a clever and appropriate analogy of how some use past offenses to "cash in" on their suffering. So would call this "playing the victim card." 

This would be more true of the "leaders" of the "victim movement" themselves, than the actual victims.