"performance" or action by faith

What is the difference between

·        action by faith and

·        performance based action 

First, how they are alike. 

They both require

·        choice 

·        effort/action

·        giving to get

So in the above ways they are exactly the same. And this is also why they are so easily confused with each other. Why? Because understanding the difference is a matter of the heart, not simply the head i.e. knowing the movement/ motives of our heart is key but usually very hard to discern. 

However, they are totally different in other vital ways for the same reason; in ways not easily identified because they deal with the ways of the heart; hearts that are often hidden from our full awareness. 

Defining terms

Performance is acting to obtain something missing...a sense of "being right," being forgiven, accepted and valued by and through our efforts/actions. It's about proving ones goodness/worth/value by and through self/flesh driven (vs Spirit/love driven) effort/action. 

Action by faith, is acting out of fullness because of what you already have...you already know you are loved, forgiven, accepted and of great value in the eyes of God. Your dependence/trust in God and his assessment of you is what you base your value/worth on. In other words, action by faith is based on knowing that someone of infinite wisdom, judgment and value sees you as good, right and of infinite value/loved (even though practically we often are not good and certainly never good enough through our own efforts). 

When you believe and fully embrace this (i.e. by faith), you respond accordingly i.e. you love Him back in response to his perfect love for you. The more you believe his assessment to be true the greater your action...actions that are an overflow of love, not an attempt to win love i.e. not performing ("jumping through hoops") to gain love.

To operate by faith is possible only because your value to God was already totally proven by actions someone else ¹took on your behalf i.e. God doesn't just declare you valuable, he treats you as valuable i.e. he took action in and through Christ to prove how much he values you. 

Christ took these actions so you might enter into and participate in the same love of the Father the Son experiences and fully participates in (and has always had from all eternity past). 

Christ wanted you to have what he has; the unlimited, unobstructed love of his Father. So much so he willingly gave up something of that love, that you might fully have it (2 Corinthians 8:9). 

This is evidence of how great he values you and has nothing but infinite love for you. He finds great joy and satisfaction in knowing he makes this happen for you. 

What kind of actions did Christ take that proves his love?

He set aside the fullness of his glory and took on human form so he could die in order to settle the debt of your unfulfilled obligation to love and honor God as ¹he deserves and you were designed to do (as well as loving your neighbor). This was necessary because your refusal to live according to his design alienates you from the Father and his love. We turned our back on God when we did what God forbid, he never turned his back on us  As evidenced by sending Christ to us - Emmanuel - God with us.

He did this for two key reasons. 

1. Because you could not  

2. So you would no longer have to in order to be fully in union with God again.

Christ also lived to fulfill your obligations to live as you were designed i.e. he lived exclusively to show forth to others the great honor and worth of his Father that you were meant and designed to do yourself. 

Why would he do all this? He didn't act out of obligation, guilt, need or any other reason. He created you and therefore values (loves) you. You are in his image. 

What do we get, how do we get it? 

So if we, because of Christ, already have God's full, unlimited and complete love, what are we getting when we act by faith?

We are "getting" (entering into or participating in) what we already have. 

To fully experience and benefit from his love already fixed upon us and fully ours in Christ, we must participate in it. 

This is like having the most renown gourmet of all time prepare, cook and set out for you the most delicious and healthy meal possible, with all their experience, resources, skill, thought and effort required to prepare it. A meal that would cost far more then usual (at no cost to you btw) or more than you have. A meal specifically and exclusively prepared for you. A meal that not only brings health and healing but looks and smells exquisite. Clearly an act of care and love. 

Yet, one you won't fully appreciate and enjoy until you sit down and actually eat it. When you do, only then will you completely experience and enjoy the thoughtfulness and care (love) intended for and directed at you by this highly regarded gourmet chef who prepared it. 

So how do we eat/participate in the infinite love of the Father?

Christ himself tells us how he did when he said the following…

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. 

If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love.

These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." Joh 15:9-11  

First, we must understand, we are talking about the perfect, infinite and infinitely loved Son of the eternal Father. Nothing Christ did ever caused His Father to love him. The Father loves the Son because of who Christ is, not because of what he did (though what Christ did certainly confirmed why the Father loves the Son with infinite affection). Christ and the Father have a love relationship that is constant and has always existed from all eternity past before we came along. There has never been a time when the Father and Son did not love each other, nor will there ever be. There was and is ²nothing Christ could do, to add to, or take away from this infinite love.

Nevertheless, Christ still went out early in the morning seeking his Father in prayer. Why? In doing so, was he trying to earn, through his efforts (performance), what was already fully his? NO!!! He did so to participate in the love that was already there, waiting for him to partake of. 

To fully abide in/experience his Fathers love he pursued the Fathers will i.e. followed his directions/commands. And because he loved and fully trusted his Father he found joy in doing so. This wasn't a performance to impress his Father to gain His love. It was a demonstration and display of love and honor for the love (Father) of his heart. And there is something about acting on our affections for another that makes them more real. 

How does anyone experience a love relationship? Do they experience it best when they are miles apart and never interact or speak to the one they love? No, the experience occurs best and most when they are fully present, engaged and participating in that relationship - e.g. when apart from the one they most cherish, they travel to be with the other so they can be together or they get on the phone to talk to each other and see how the other is doing and how they can best show their care/love for each other etc. The greater the participation in the relationship the greater the experience of the love that is already there. 

Who has not been in a relationship with someone near and dear, such as a spouse, only to experience the affection of that relationship wane when time is not spent together. Is it not that way with any love relationship? 

If so, why would it not also be the same with us in our relationship with God? Wouldn't it be exactly the same (i.e. we desire and find love through relationship [time spent together] with God just like with others)? Isn't God a relational being as well, just like any person? We are no less relational beings when it comes to God simply because that relationship is with God instead of another fellow image bearer. In fact, all "personhood" is an expression of the very image of God himself. 

It all starts with and comes from God.

When we consider personhood comes from God as well as relationship; that God is a person in relationship via the Father, Son and Spirit, this makes a relationship with God even more significant and powerful. A relationship not with just any person but the very person who is the source of love and relationship and has always and only existed in relationship. 

The key difference is God does not need us, we need him. But he enjoys relationship with us no less. In fact He delights in relationship. He created us for it and is the source of it. It is who he is and it (i.e. love) drives all he does. 

So how do we participate in this love relationship with God? How do you with any relationship. You cherish the other person in that relationship. Some of the ways you do is find out what they like and then you do all you can to do that for them or give it to them i.e. you seek to discover everything you can about them and how you can best carry out their wishes and show them how much you value and love them by doing so. In so doing you are saying (by action, not just words) they are important to you. You value them. The greater your effort (faithfulness) to do this the greater the evidence of your value/love of them and the relationship you have together. 

This is just as true (maybe more so) with God as with any relationship. 

Joh 14:15  "If you love me, you will keep my commandments. 

For a further discussion on love being something other then just feelings click here. 
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¹Because we fail to carry out this primary design of loving and honoring God according to the greatness of his worth, we also fail to carry out our secondary design to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.

²not to suggest Christ's obedience was robotic, automatic or without real challenge as demonstrated in his wilderness temptation, the garden of Gethsemane and cry to his Father on the cross of feeling abandoned.

God binds himself to time

Christ honoring his Father by becoming a man, stepping into time, and taking on the suffering of this broken world, allowed him to act on his eternal love for the Father in a way he had never done before. He not only demonstrated his love for us as needy and lost rebels but also demonstrated his love for his Father in a new and unique way. 

Not because the Father needed proof of his Son's love, or Christ needed to prove His love for the Father, but so the Son could demonstrate the greatness of his Father and his love for him ¹in a way he had not before. 

We get a hint of the uniqueness of this when we are told that Christ "learned obedience through the things he suffered." - John Piper suggests (and I agree), this was not Christ going from disobedience to obedience, but Christ going from untested obedience to tested obedience - Christ's love for the Father was put to task, if you will, for the first time in a new and unique way. His temptations and choices were very real with real significance. 

It was this same love that moved God to create us, then restore us even after we set aside and abandoned our love and trust in him. 

The love of Christ was so great (for both his Father and us), Christ gave up the preciousness of his full glory and communion with his Father and set it aside (for a ³time) so he might bring others into that same eternal union, communion, and glory he knows and has known from all eternity past. 

And in so doing he now also knows the joy of honoring and pleasing his Father in a way he had not before by seeing this love received and rejoiced in by others (others outside of the Father, Son, and Spirit); a love drawn out of others for his Father, made possible only because of the sacrifice he made. Christ gave up something of that which was most precious to him (the constant, unobstructed, uninterrupted love of his Father) so others might also have it (John 15:11;17:13; Matthew 25:23). And in giving it, he found (finds) great joy (Hebrews 12:2)

As the Father sends me so I send you

  

In the same way that Christ demonstrated his love for the Father by his actions, our showing love by our actions is the clearest way of expressing our love for him and others. Words are important, but actions give evidence of the love we speak of. This is why Christ asked Peter three times to feed his sheep if Peter truly ²loved him. Don't just say you love me, Peter, show me. This is also why we are told that if we love Christ, we will keep his commandments. True love always results in actions.

Before the actual act of the incarnation, love ⁴involving sacrifice by Christ was only a thought that had not been acted out and expressed in the way it was; a thought in the mind of God (as Father, Son, and Spirit) from all eternity past that took place at a specific time in a way it had not occurred before the actual event. There was real action in real-time. Since everything is present to God and known by him this may be hard to fully grasp but is nevertheless clearly what occurred. 

The timeless God for the first time, somehow limited himself in and by time, ⁵entering into and participating in time itself. God for the first and only time, interjected himself into his creation (and specifically toward us, his image-bearers) through Christ and inextricably bound himself to it (us) in love from that point on and for the rest of eternity. Christ has a body he did not have before the incarnation - a ⁶glorified body but a body just the same. A permanent change he willingly partakes in for the honor of His Father and us. 

John 17:5  And now, Father, glorify me in your own presence (again) with the glory that I had with you before the world existed. 

John 17:22  The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, 

John 17:24  Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world. 

For a fuller discussion on God taking part in creation through the incarnation click here. 
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Footnotes:

¹When love is true it moves one to act on behalf of the one(s) loved.  Acting in love is the completion of it i.e. perfect love is not just a feeling or only words, it is more. It is acting out and upon those feelings. If there is no action there is no true (perfect) love. 

²Christ kept asking Peter regarding agape, not phileo, with which Peter kept responding...

Joh 21:15  So when they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love G25 Me more than these?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love G5368 You." He (Jesus) said to him (Peter), "Tend My lambs." 

Jesus asked (3x) "do you agapao me..." 

G25 - ἀγαπάω - agapaō; of unc. or.; to love: - beloved (8), felt a love for (1), love (1), love (75), loved (38), loves (20).

Peter kept answering (also 3x) "You know that I phileo you..."

G5368 - φιλέω - phileō; from G5384; to love:

Thayer Definition:
1) to love
1a) to approve of
1b) to like
1c) sanction
1d) to treat affectionately or kindly, to welcome, befriend
2) to show signs of love
2a) to kiss
3) to be fond of doing
3a) be wont, use to do

³Even though the length of time Christ suffered wasn't eternal, it was infinite i.e. the depth of his suffering made up for the length i.e. it was equivalent to the eternal suffering he spared others from; the extent of his suffering was the equivalent to all suffering throughout eternity for all those who receive him. This was because of the extent of His suffering i.e. losing the infinite wealth and glory of His being for a short time was as great as losing a smaller amount of wealth by a large number of beings for eternity. It had to be in order for His sacrifice to be accepted as a sufficient exchange of life for the death He spared us from. And Christ may experience some loss throughout eternity in being not just God but also a man i.e. he will experience some form of limitation as the God/man that he didn't experience when He was the infinite Son of 

God of all eternity past. Yet he may also experience some kind of gain by being able to continue to participate in creation as a man - albeit a glorified one. 

⁴Possibly this is what is meant by God "knowing good and evil." Because God is not restricted to or by time regarding his knowing all things, in a very significant way (if not in real actual time) he and the Son also knew of the death of the Son prior to it actually happening, while still really and truly participating in this at the time it occurred. We get a hint of this when we are told that Christ "...was slain before the foundation (i.e. creation) of the earth..."

⁵Which tells us how much God values His creation...so much so He gladly took on qualities of creation - i.e. time - to bring to us eternity. This merging of creation with eternity also occurs when God units heaven with earth for all eternity. God loves and values His creation.

Rev 21:1 Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. 2 And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. 4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

⁶This is very significant on many levels. One is our new glorified body will be the same glorified body Christ now has. Christ's glorified body allows him to be fully God in a way he was in His pre-incarnated state i.e. His former glory as God the Son has not only been restored but I think we have good reason to think it's also been enhanced. The body Christ now has is the same kind of body we will have. We will never be God but we are like God - in Him image. The significance of this may be far greater than we can now comprehend. 

Only God is good

We often hear the expression "he is a good person" or "they are good people." But what exactly is a good person; what makes us truly good?

Good people are plugged in people; people plugged in to the Father, the source of all goodness.

We not only know this from scripture in general but the following passage may give us the most striking example.

"And a ruler asked him, "Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" And Jesus said to him, "Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone." Luk 18:18-19 

This is a very curious statement. Christ seems to suggest that he himself has no goodness ("...why do you call me good…"); only his Father ("...God alone..." ) is good. However we are told elsewhere that Christ was without spot or blemish i.e. he had no sin. Christ too is perfect and good not to mention co-equal with the Father. So exactly what is Christ saying here?

Some might argue that this was actually a roundabout way of making a claim to be God himself since we know elsewhere in scripture that he too is good. So when he said God alone is good, since he himself was (and is) God, he was referring to himself. And though he certainly was God the Son, this doesn't seem to be his point since he speaks of God in contrast to himself ("...no one...except God..." who was his Father, distinct from him as the Son). 

I think the essence of what Jesus was suggesting is all goodness, even his own was (is) by virtue of his being in ^[1]relationship with his Father, the source of all goodness i.e. Christ was not saying he was (is) not good but rather his own goodness was the fruit of his relationship with his Father. To say it another way the goodness of Christ was a genuine and real goodness but also a goodness ^[1]derived from being in union (one) with his Father who is good. 

Keep in mind we are told Christ was the radiance and only expression of the glory of God, and the exact representation and perfect imprint of His essence... not the other way around i.e. the Son emanates (issues forth) from the Father to put the Father on display. The Father does not emanate from the Son (though he does display himself through the Son). Just as the Spirit issues forth from both the Father and the Son. So in this sense the Father is the source of everything, even the Son i.e. who is ^[2] the only begotten of (eternally comes from) the Father. 

This is not a matter of Christ being created. He is the co-eternal and co-equal God along with the Father and the Spirit. This is about the nature and dynamics of the relationship between God the Father and God the Son. 

If this is an accurate interpretation of this passage (and I think it is) and fits the rest of scripture, what is Christ telling us? What is his point?

If Christ, who is perfect, was good by virtue of his union and relationship with the Father how can we (who are sinful and imperfect) ever hope of being good without that same union and relationship with the Father. Are we not good only by virtue of being plugged into God himself, the source of all goodness?

How do we plug in?

If so, how do we plug-in? By receiving the love of the Father through Christ.

How do we receive that love? By God revealing himself to us in Christ through his Spirit. 

Where does God reveal Christ to us? Initially, and primarily through Christ's incarnation, but now through his word and people; not just any people but people who are also plugged into the God of all goodness.

As a man on earth operating solely in the power of the Spirit, Jesus was our example. He showed us not only what to do but how to do it i.e. By abiding in the Father's goodness and love.

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you -- i.e. not only do I love you with the same love the Father has for me but I love you as I receive it from him i.e. "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you...[in the same way and by means of that same love] "). Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just (in the exact same way) as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love." - Jesus - John 15:9-10

I should note that the Father's love of his Son was a fixed reality. This verse, however, suggests the manifestation of that love and Christ's experiencing it was based on his abiding in it through faithfulness (i.e. obedience) to his Father. How much more so it must be for us? 

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^[1]  For a fuller discussion God as a being of relationship click here

^[2]  For a fuller discussion on "only begotten" click here

What is our eternal reward?

"...for eternity we are growing in the realization that we need God for everything, and yet in that neediness, we are fully and abundantly satisfied in all he provides." – Kyle Strobel, "Formed for the Glory of God" page 97

Note in the above quote the tension of continued growth in eternity while experiencing complete satisfaction at the same time. How does this occur? 

Strobel explains our understanding of our need for God throughout eternity is always increasing - after all, He is infinite, with no end or bottom and we are like Him with the capacity to experience him with ever increasing fullness. We will therefore never reach the height, width, fullness, or depth of His being. 

Yet, we are also always filled up to our present capacity at any given time. So there will never be a time we are not increasing in our experience of God while being full at the same time. God is not changing or getting bigger, our capacity and experience of Him is. 

But that process begins now. The degree to which we will experience him in eternity is determined by the extent of our faith in Him in this life. When we go into eternity, if our capacity to experience the fullness of God is only a thimble that will be the extent of our experience of Him upon entry. If a bowl, barrel, or an ocean we will experience Him accordingly. We will experience more of Him to the extent we have a larger capacity to experience Him.

Once we go into eternity our understanding of Him will continue to grow. The question then becomes, what capacity do you wish to enter eternity with… that of a thimble, a barrel or even an ocean? 

Either way, there will never be a dull moment throughout all eternity. Things will always be progressing and expanding. Hard to grasp but exciting to consider. 

It begins now...by faith

The realization of our need for God starts in this life at the beginning of our ¹new (spiritual) birth and increases in this life as our trust in God grows. Our experience of God also continues to progress  throughout eternity as our knowledge and communion with God grows.

What we should strive for in this life is greater faith so that we might have a greater capacity to see and experience more of God in eternity. God is our goal and reward i.e. Scripture seems to indicate our ability to enjoy and honor God in eternity will be in proportion to our faith in and faithfulness to Him now. Now we live by faith in ever-increasing degrees. Faith is the means by which we increase our capacity now to enjoy our greatest reward later i.e. God himself!

Whatever satisfaction in God we find now occurs by faith. Satisfaction will continue in the ²next life but firsthand - i e. by direct experience instead of by faith. Now our walk with him involves faith, hope, and love. In eternity faith and hope will no longer be necessary, only love. As we see God and the vastness of God's love more fully our love for him will continue to grow.

And because love will be experienced directly - face-to-face - it will also be full (according on our capacity), uninterrupted, and overflowing. We will be glorified. Our limitations - lack of faith - will no longer exist for we will be like Him and see him as he is in all his glory and love (not  quantitatively but qualitatively i.e. not in completeness but in substance). While faith and hope will cease and are no longer necessary, love remains. 

Mat 5:10  "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 
Mat 5:11  "Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. 
Mat 5:12  Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you (what causes their blessed state and makes their reward great is the testing of our faith by means of struggle and persecution). 

Luk 6:22  "Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man! 
Luk 6:23  Rejoice in that day, and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven; for so their fathers did to the prophets. 

1Co 3:8  He who plants and he who waters are one, and each will receive his wages according to his labor (labor inspired or driven by God's Spirit in us vs labor performed for the approval of others and by mere will power i.e. the labor of faith versus the labor of performance. For a further discussion on this click here).  

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¹the Spirit of God, given at our spiritual birth and now indwelling his children, is our guarantee of better things to come i.e. the fact that we have been given God's Spirit is our guarantee we will be with God in all his infinite glory one day. 

Why? His Spirit can not indwell an unclean vessel. If we have His Spirit we are and must be clean, not because of our efforts or faithfulness but because of Christ's. By this, we know we will be with Him in eternity.

²Not that we do not experience any evidence of this love by tangible provision of material needs now, but these are merely a drop in the bucket to aid us in advancing his purposes now and for our enjoyment i.e. we can not depend on these as proof of God's love. God promises in this world, you will have trouble. Material blessing will ebb and flow; God's love will not. The completed work of Christ, to restore us to the Father in the fullness of his love, is our primary proof of the greatness of that love. There is no greater evidence. 

This is a past historical event with ongoing and expanding benefits both now and throughout eternity. The face-to-face union with Jesus and the overflowing joy/bliss of that union is our primary reward and hope.

Trust...essential to relationship

What is the key to any relationship?

¹Trust.

What is the key to trust?

Knowing (believing) the party you are engaging with truly has your best interest in mind, i.e. they love ²you.

As someone proves their genuine care by their words and actions and is not engaging us simply to get or take something from us, our trust grows. If someone over time demonstrates they are using you, your trust wanes and your caution grows. This takes time because outward actions don't always reveal inward motivation right away.

Some would argue love is the key to any relationship. And this would be true if we weren't so deeply broken and distrusting. 

Love binds a relationship together, but love is not received until we trust the one who offers it. To say it another way, we don't "buy in" to someone's kind gestures and overtures of care if we don't trust they are genuine i.e. that their kindness is really kindness and not a "trap" to allure us into a relationship in order to ³use us.

The problem is you can love someone with everything in you but if the one you love does not trust you (i.e. they think you are trying to use them to get something from them instead of give something to them) your love will not "land" i.e. be accepted. This is why different groups and people responded in an exactly opposite way to Christ e.g. religious leaders vs. the sick and poor.

To illustrate, we are told God so loved the world he gave his only Son, yet not everyone who has been told this is clamoring to pursue or receive God's offer. In fact, most do not accept this offer of love even after it is extended and explained. Why? They don't trust the one making the offer or believe it is true. They are suspicious of God, who is making the offer. They don't believe his claims about himself and about them. They somehow are convinced God does not have their best interest at heart, even in light of this most significant and wonderful evidence.

As an illustration, we likely know of or heard of foster kids being assimilated into a family and how the foster parents' hearts often break trying to convince the child he/she is loved. Why? Because the child brushes off those attempts and will even act out to see if these "parents" still love them in all their ugliness i.e. the child wonders if the new parents really love them or do they simply feel sorry for them or want the child to meet some need in the potential new parents? 

Why is this? They are "jaded" as they say. After being jerked around emotionally by opening themselves up to being loved by other so-called parents, only to have it taken away, they choose not to open themselves up to the possible hurt of losing love all over again.

By God's grace, you can control how you treat others, i.e. treat them in a loving vs. an unloving way. You can not, however, control whether they will receive your love. Only God can open their hearts to receive love. Our loving others may be the means, but when all is said and done, God must open their hearts and eyes to see the love that is there, i.e. his love coming through us to them.

Loving someone is what we are called to do. Being used (abused) by someone is not. 

(We may choose to let someone "use us" for a time so we might win them to Christ, but this is a separate topic). 

Love without trust?

Can you love someone without trusting them? Yes. You can sincerely want what's best for someone ⁴you have no trust in. 

This is where we get confused. We think, how can I forgive someone who is not trustworthy? You can forgive them because you truly care about them. But that does not mean you trust them or should entrust yourself to them. Love should be a given, trust is earned.

This is also true of our relationship with God on both sides. 

As we come to believe God always and only wants what's best for us, our trust grows.

When God sees we genuinely love him for who he is and not just using him to get something else, he trusts us more and entrusts us with more of his blessings, knowing we will use what he gives to love others, thereby honoring him.
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Footnotes: 

¹Someone would say love is vital, which is ultimately true. However, if the one seeking to love us is not trusted, we will never receive or experience their love. This is true not only from other people but also from God.

²self interest is not the same as selfishness. If you look at every promise of scripture, what is the appeal? These are promises made to you, i.e. self. In fact, self-interest is assumed when we are told to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. It is not condemned but merely appealed to as the standard by which we treat others. 

The issue isn't whether it's valid to care about ourselves, but how is "self" best cared for. Self is not best cared for by self (which is selfishness) but by God. For us to focus on self-caring is bondage, simply because we can never truly provide for ourselves that which we most need...infinite and eternal love and care. To focus on God is freedom because only he alone can love in the way we need and were designed to be loved i.e. with infinite love from an infinite source. 

³If each party is seeking the best of the other, they both will benefit. The key is what drives that action that benefits others. 

To be clear, few relationships are based solely on each party seeking only to give something and not get something. Few (if any) of us are that grounded in our walk with God (and thereby full of his love so that he is our primary source for love instead of our spouse or some other significant relationship)

We get into relationships because we get something out of them. But that is not the same as getting into a relationship to take or demand something from the other. All relationships result in both benefiting or they wouldn't exist. This, however, isn't the issue. The issue is why do people primarily seek relationships, to get or to give.

I would guess many relationships start out more with an eye on getting more than giving. But as each person matures, it shifts in time to giving more than getting (at least by one party), otherwise, it would not likely last.

Any healthy relationship is reciprocal. However, there is a difference between giving and receiving love and giving to get love. Receiving love is vital in any relationship, but it differs from engaging in a relationship for getting or taking. A relationship based solely on getting is classic co-dependence.

A key indicator of the difference is gratitude. One expressing gratitude for the other partner is because they recognize their kindness was a gesture of giving/loving, not taking. 

A key indicator someone is primarily about getting or taking is anger. Getting angry when one does not get what they want, or the other doesn't give them what they demand, is an indication the relationship is not based on love but on what they can get or take out of the relationship.

To say it simply, a truly loving relationship (on both sides) is based on what you give, not what you get. In this kind of relationship, both are still getting but as the fruit of a loving relationship, not the goal. 

⁴You can also extend love to someone who does not trust you, but until there is trust, it will not "land". Loving them over time, however, can build the trust needed for it to finally break through.

Pleasing God vs loved by him

Being loved by God is a fixed reality for those who are ¹in Christ. Why? Because his love for us is based on ¹Christ's perfect performance on our behalf and not ours. 

To say it another way, we don't have to be perfect to be fully loved because legally we are perfect in Christ, i.e., the perfect life of Christ is ²credited to us (as if we lived it) and the full consequence for our rebellious unbelief was poured out on Christ (as if we did it). There is nothing to do by us or even God himself to make us any more legally perfect before God than we already are right now ¹in Christ. To use Christ's words, "...it is finished..." 

Why is this vital? Because, in reality and practically, we are far from perfect. The more we see our imperfections, the greater the impact Christ's work on our behalf becomes. 

As a result, there is nothing we can or should do to make ourselves more or less acceptable and loved by God than we already are right now in Christ. We are perfect and beloved of God. Nothing can cause God to love us more fully than he already does. Nothing! So stop trying!

However pleasing God - bringing joy to his heart - is a totally different, though related, matter. It is based on our faithful pursuit of him; our diligent obedience to him, i.e., our action/conduct or "performance" if you will. This conduct has to do with our ³relationship with God; the other is a matter of our status or legal standing before God. These are entirely different and separate, while connected at the same time.

The former (being loved by God) answers the following: 

"Am I an infinitely beloved child of God?" 

The bible gives us a resounding YES!!

"Is there anything ³I must do to ensure I am (and continue to be) an infinitely beloved child of God?" 

The answer is an equally resounding NO!!

Nothing I do will cause, ensure, or hinder God's love for me. That was why Christ came. He took care of all of this for me (because I couldn't). 

Our judgment is satisfied by Christ; our condemnation is gone because of Christ. Our standing as a beloved child of God is secured in Christ. God's love for us is absolute, infinite, and unrelenting because of Christ. 

As Christ declared in a very loud voice on the cross, "It is finished!" then he ⁴gave up his spirit. 

Pleasing God

The latter (pleasing God) addresses a very different question. Which is, "Am I a child that honors my infinitely loving Father to the utmost by my words and actions?" Notice this question addresses our side of things, not God's side. His side is already fully taken care of because of Christ's efforts on our behalf. 

Do I please him? It depends on whether I am living for him and loving him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. This is a matter of my relationship with God, evidenced by my trust in Him and my ensuing faithful pursuit of Him. Do I fully trust the fixed and settled love he already has for me and act accordingly, i.e., by my response of faithfully pursuing Him out of love? True pursuit of God is a response of love for and complete trust in what God has done for us in Christ. 

Pleasing God is built on the rock-solid reality of God's infinite love perfectly secured for us in Christ. This is the connection between my legal standing before God and my ongoing relationship with Him. Separate matters but vitally connected. 

When we truly "get" the fullness of his love, it changes us. 

An Illustration

Just like any ⁵parent is most pleased when their kids heed their loving directions, so it is with God. And just as a loving parent will never love their child any more than they already do - but actually pursue them more intensely in love when they stray - so it is with God, i.e., once we are a child (born into the family) we will always be their child, i.e., loved and cherished by our parents. 

However, truly loving parents also find great delight in their child when they faithfully pursue their loving desires for them. In fact the more they love us the more delighted they are when we heed their wise and loving directions, because the more we trust and obey (as their child) the more we experience (enter into) the fullness of life they extent to us, desire for us (they desire this because of their great love for us) and that we were created for i.e. the more we flourish and blossom into who we were designed to be. What loving parent doesn't want their kid to know the fullness of their love and experience all the benefits and joy that comes with it, i.e., experience the most and best they were created to experience?

Do we obey our parents because they need our trust and obedience? Not in the sense that it adds anything to them as persons. But as loving parents, they do want ("need") to know their kids are doing well. They desire with all their hearts the absolute best for their child. 

Now, for the sake of illustration, let's say our parents are infinitely wise and know exactly what that best is (if they are truly wise and loving, they will know better than we do at a minimum). We know (trust) that heeding their directions is in our best interest, and it will not be hard to do so. The parents already know this; we, as their child, however, must learn this.

And when a child heeds well his parents' instructions, how do parents respond? Not only are they delighted, but they increasingly 6entrust that child with more because they long for their child to know an even greater fullness of their love, e.g., they will let the kid use the car because they know the kid will take care of it and not misuse it or intentionally damage it. As the child shows greater trust in their parents, the parents show greater trust in the child. As the child proves themselves more trustworthy, they are entrusted with even more. The relationship grows and strengthens, i.e., the love and trust on which all relationships are built, increases.

Of course, we all know there are ⁴no perfect parents, at least not on earth. But human parents who love God are a type of our heavenly Father, who is the perfect parent in every way because he alone is fully capable in every way (all-wise, loving, and powerful). And God, as our perfect parent, delights in knowing we are experiencing the best He has and there is for us. And He knows the best means of growing our trust in him and obedience to him (doing as he says) because he knows what that best is better than anyone, including ourselves. 

In summary:

Does our faithful pursuit of God matter? No and yes. 

As far as our being his beloved child - who is right (in right standing, justified) with God and the certainty of his love being secured (he will never leave us) and set on us - our pursuit makes absolutely zero difference. Somebody else had to (and was the only one who could) take care of this side of things, and did i.e. Christ himself. 

As far as our experiencing all the warmth and benefits of that love fully secured for us and the closeness of the relationship (fellowship) with him and bringing him joy and delight, it makes all the difference in the world, as with any love relationship. 

And when we stray, it hurts God, not because he needs us but because he wants us to know the fullness of that love - perfectly secured for us by Christ (which the Father and Son paid such a high price for) and that joy that is there for us in Him - to the fullest extent possible. This is why Christ came and did what he did. 

As evidence of their love, the Father and the Son went to infinite lengths to ensure all of this for our joy and his glory. 

Heb 11:6  And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him. 

 

But without faith it is impossible to please Him at all. For he who comes to God must (out of necessity in the nature of the case) believe that He exists, and that He becomes a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him out. (Wuest translation).

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Footnotes:

¹This is what is meant by the frequent expression "in Christ" used over 90 times in the NT. 

²The primary reason Christ came, lived among us, died, and returned to the Father was so He might restore us to the Father that we might have life again. The life we were created for but abandoned in the Garden.

³It should be pointed out that if we are now truly a redeemed child of God, we will be a new creature. Everything will be different. We will have new desires, a new outlook on life, and ourselves. A clearer vision of God and his love for us, resulting in a love for God that changes us and how we live. If there is no such change, the bible cautions us to "make our calling and election sure," i.e., do a spiritual self-assessment and be sure these qualities are true of you and in you and increasing. If they are not, we have no reason to believe we are his child. In fact, we are cautioned that we may not be. 

While our living for God does not cause, ensure, or secure God's love for us, it is clear evidence that we know (receive/accept) his love for us, i.e., that we have experienced it in such a way that we are no longer the person we were before knowing his love. When we know we are loved, we will respond in faithfulness. This is not something we have to do to be saved; it is something we do because we are saved. If we don't live faithfully for God, this is an indication we may not have experienced his love. This is a key message of James and also in I John. 

Being his child, however, doesn't mean we are perfect. We all blow it, and often. But once we are a child of God, blowing it matters; it affects others and us; it impacts our relationship with God, whereas before it didn't matter at all. Our caring about blowing it is evidence that we know God and value our relationship with him. 

But the most important point is that it robs God of the joy and delight of seeing us participate in the fullness of his love and our experiencing the joy of seeing his kingdom (rule and reign of love) advanced through us to others. 

⁴Note it says he gave up the spirit; it was not taken from him. This was a deliberate and planned-out action from all eternity past in which he was in complete control of. No one actually took his life, he willingly gave it up once He had completed what he came to do. Amazing grace!!!

⁵What about those who didn't have such perfect parents growing up?... 

You have one now. 

When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up. Psalm 27:10 (KJV) 

(CEV)  Even if my father and mother should desert me, you will take care of me.
(ERV)  Even if my mother and father leave me, the LORD will take me in.
(ESV)  For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in.
(GNB)  My father and mother may abandon me, but the LORD will take care of me.

6 Trust is a two-way street as a child of God. Not only is our relationship with our heavenly Father strengthened by our trust in Him, but His trust in us grows as we prove we can be trusted with greater gifts and responsibilities. The parable of the talents is an example of this.