Conflict ---> clashing values

Our greatest conflicts with others come as a result of *clashing values. 

Values are simply those things that we believe are most important. 

Values are subjective and personal. They may be real and valuable to us personally, but they are not necessarily valuable **objectively. 

These are things or areas we are personally and emotionally invested in. What you and I believe is valuable are ***often not the same. When we are not in agreement, we clash.

Conflict is not necessarily bad, however. It forces us to reassess our values and helps us determine what is most important, e.g. must I really have this (or that) to be happy? Do I love God more than I love this particular person, thing or experience?

To understand and address conflicts we must know ****what we value and why we value it. The "why" is the hard part because it touches on our brokenness; our distrust and unbelief, which is usually hidden out of conscious view,  buried deep within us. The why addresses whether we do things for our honor or God's. 

This is the result of our rebellion. When we ate of the forbidden tree we died. In what ways? In all ways. We not only disconnected from God but others as well as ourselves. We are no longer integrated, but fragmented, spiritually, psychologically, and emotionally. 

This conflict of clashing values - a fruit of brokenness and blindness - is part of the pain and struggle of living in a broken world and why we cannot avoid it, even why conflicts break out between spouses, siblings, on a local or worldwide scale. We are broken, the world is in bondage, therefore we struggle. It is inevitable.

"...I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.' " Joh 16:33

If our hope is only in the pleasures of this present world we will ultimately be disappointed. Our hope must be elsewhere; it must rest in the truly and infinitely valuable, God himself. When it does, when He is a focal point and what we value most, we will find ourselves in harmony with others who also value God above all other things.

For a further discussion on hope click here. 

For a discussion of how values shape culture click here. 

For a further discussion on the basis for what is truly valuable click here. 
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*When our basic needs are not meet such as food, shelter, and water conflict occurs i.e. we will fight for our physical survival. However, for this discussion I assuming these basic needs are met.

**God determines this, we do not. If you are interested in a fuller discussion click here.

***even the most simple everyday things we rarely give thought to (until it bumps up against someone who does it differently) like which end of the toothpaste do we squeeze, or how do we load the dishwasher or what style of clothes do I wear or music do I listen to or hairstyle do I choose, etc.

What makes the church unique is having a common overarching value that binds us together, which is God himself as revealed in Christ. This unifies the church in the midst of great diversity. It was also part of the glue that held our nation together during its earliest days. The value of freedom was a main value we cherished nationally. 

****Much of what we value and are attached to is the fruit of our brokenness. We settle on things from past experience that we come to value over time and become emotionally vested in. If a certain thing, behavior, or person reinforces our sense of significance, we learn to repeat it. We return to whatever delivers what we need most, which is love.

Many of these values are formed unconsciously at the emotional level, not a rational one. Some from the earliest stages of life, even before we could speak. Behavior that made us feel valuable, important, or worthwhile, we repeat to the point it becomes an unconscious and embedded part of our character and how we respond to our world.

For example, as a child in our earliest stages of development, we may have made others laugh by acting a certain way. We liked the affirmation so we repeated it. Some of those went on to become famous comedians. Or we may have experienced rejection for acting another way so we avoided it. Or we may have had certain behavior reinforced such as food given to comfort us when we were crying. This resulted in food becoming a source of comfort later in life when things go wrong and so on.

This is also true of both good and bad behavior e.g. if a child experiences negative consequences for being honest, they will learn to avoid being honest or even outright lie. If they are rewarded they will become more honest.